Anyone Stuck In The Place I Am In?


#1

Short story -
Wife filed for divorce. She works part time, I am self employed and use the home as an office. Due to our income and debt , neither of us can separate. Her lawyer told her that if she wants a divorce THAT SHE will need to be gainfully employed and move out. She says she has been looking, but the only thing she has found is a sexting buddy that is 15 yrs younger than her. After being caught, she says she has cut it off ( I believe it went to a physical level as well ) or has gone more underground in communication with him. We sleep in separate rooms and must live in the same house , but it is maddening. I try to avoid the fights , but the constant barage of verbal abuse I have to deal with is getting to me and the childeren ( boys 14 and 16 ). I have been seeing a therapist for months , even before she filed and I have made progress to only going twice a month. She is continually blaming me and my family for everything that went wrong over the past 18 yrs.

Is anyone else out there stuck in a similar situation and if so, HOW do you cope ?


#2

Aye aye aye, I can relate to several things you said. It is hell, isn’t it?

My husband’s mistress (who currently had a restraining on her by him) came to my front door and told me of their 2 year affair. That was the last straw I needed to start the divorce proceedings. He has been blaming me for EVERYTHING for a very long time.

At my insistence due to the affair, he agreed to sleep elsewhere. He is self employed and works from our home so he is there daily. I still need him to pick up our child here and there when I have my counseling appointments.

Every time we see each other, I feel pain. We can’t talk without bitterness. It does affect the children. He hates the woman he had an affair with, but the damage has been done to how I view him.

I don’t have advice for you, but wanted to give you support. I think the verbal abuse you and I are getting is totally related to the guilt factor on their end. I also think my husband has undiagnosed narcissism so everything is about him and nothing is his fault. It’s emotionally draining.

We just put our house on the market. Like you, finances are almost non existent and his late payments have hurt my credit now. Sell if you can. It’s a terrible market, I know. It’s the only way to relieve yourself of the debt and the day to day battles you will continue to endure. Healing can not take place if you don’t start your separate lives. It’s SO hard.


#3

I feel like I am in a similar place, but I can’t help you deal. I could use a lot of help myself.

My wife has made it very clear that she doesn’t love me anymore, but she won’t leave. She has a new “friend” who she spends a lot of time with, even late at night. She wants to stay so she can be near our son. I can’t control anything, and I can’t understand how a woman who I once thought was the most selfless, caring person I’d ever met could do this. I really wonder if she’s had a psychological break.

When we argue it is all manipulation from her. She won’t try marital counseling and she won’t listen to anyone who doesn’t “understand” her. The only people who understand seem to be friends of hers going through separation. They all seem to want to see her leave me. She also seems to place all the blame on me. I’m also in therapy and have made huge amounts of progress. She quit her therapist.

Either way, I’m in constant pain. Sometimes she even hugs me and occasionally she’ll even flirt. She talks about all the things she’s buying me for Christmas. I assume it’s to help her with the guilt, but I can hardly take it. I’m willing to reconcile if her friend is just a friend, but I really wish she’d just go. She told me she’d wait a few years and decide.

The worst part is splitting up our son. All I ever wanted in life was to provide a good stable home for my kids. And now I’ve failed at it.


#4

hatesthis,

Please don’t beat yourself up about this situation. There’s only one person you can control and that is you. Your wife has chosen to play games as well as separate.

I am a child of divorce and I can personally tell you that stability can be provided after divorce and sometimes it’s actually better for children after the divorce, especially if the home life was chaotic or there were a lot of fights. In my case, my life took a large turn for the better after divorce. I didn’t have to deal as much with my father’s chaos, and he had to grow up. The divorce woke him up and he had to be a better parent afterwards as a result.

In the case of my stepkids, they came to prefer being at our house, especially in the beginning. Their mom was staying out at all hours and coming home drunk, even on school nights. The kids felt more secure here and the environment was much more peaceful for them.

So, remember one thing about this all, children learn from their environment. They tend to mimic what they see or go to the opposite extreme in some cases. So, if they see an unhappy marriage filled with lots of fighting, they may think that that is all marriage is. But, if they see the parents divorce, they may see that certain treatment cannot be tolerated…or they can see a parent demonstrating resilience and the ability to overcome obstacles with grace.


#5

You definately have to stop the “constant barage of verbal abuse”, it is not doing you any good. Then it is simply better to stop answering sometimes.


#6

Has anything changed for you? Have you made progress regarding an actual physical separation?

I am learning in therapy to focus on ME and I think you need to do the same. You can’t control what she does to you, but you can control how you react. Learn that she is blaming you, yet you are not responsible for her bad choices. You can take responsibility for failures in the marriage that you are sure you committed, but no way are you responsible for her potential affair and the definite sexting. You didn’t drive her to do that. Don’t take the blame for her bad behavior including the verbal abuse. She isn’t accepting responsibility so therefore she can only berate you to protect her own feelings. It’s ridiculous, isn’t it?!

Learn to be indifferent. Don’t ask questions. The answers aren’t going to come freely and if you do get one here and there…it’s only immediate gratification for you. It probably doesn’t help you feel better about yourself in the long run.

Your wife’s interpretation from her friends suits her situation. Of course she is going to tell you everyone agrees with her! I just got told last night that my spouse’s friends think that despite the drug abuse and adultery, this spouse should have stayed in the house. Of course my spouse would tell me this! I think anyone outside of this circle can see that doesn’t make any sense and my spouse is interpreting info to suit their own needs. This person was once very devoting and attentive to me. People can change and I am sorry both of our spouses changed for the worst.

I understand the angst over breaking up the family unit and how your children will be affected. YOU didn’t fail. If you were trying to repair the marriage and she wasn’t willing…she failed. You married for better or worse and you tried to make it work. Your children need you to be strong/healthy emotionally and neutral regarding their mother. Reinforce this has NOTHING to do with them and there is nothing they could have done differently since it’s between 2 adults. Don’t speak negatively of her even though you probably have every choice word on the tip of your tongue. Your kids will recognize respect when they see it. Eventually they will get used to separate households and a different (but not failed) future.

What would make you happy? Are you wanting to reconcile? Are you wanting a divorce?


#7

Would not take all the blame nor giving the other the blame… It takes two Tango that a couple has to do their part make it perfect but sadly there is no perfect but it only means of understanding…