"Is it worth it?" For those in the "Sisterhood"


#1

I feel so sorry for what happened to you and your family.

I hope your husband and his mistress get everything that they deserve and more, and I hope that you go on to have a wonderful life.

I’m so sorry, I know this must have been really hurtful.


#2

Thank you Melaniekitty so much.

This just wasn’t supposed to happen. It still feels unreal sometimes.
I never saw it coming and it threw our worlds spinning.

In addition to my job loss, we will probably be foreclosing on our home soon and this is where the kids and I live. Our children are living with me, although they are 21 and 18. My eldest is in Community College, working part time and the younger one “looking for a job”. No child support, because they are considered “EMANCIPATED”, so you see the picture. What am I going to do, kick 'em out on the streets?

No alimony because we made close to the same salary at date of separation. It doesn’t matter a dang that now, because of the stress of all of it, I lost my job of 21 and a half years and have for the time being had to take a job where I’ll make way less than half my former salary.
My car is on it’s last leg and he’s driving around in a beautiful, FREE company car,FREE company gas, FREE cell phoneall of which he used for “courting purposes”–Lots of back seat action in the company car, going many, many places with her in his company car, being with her a lot during work hours–on company time, according to her cell records talking endlessly on a cell his company providesAll while married to me!!!
He lives in an apt. in the next town over(yeah, close to his mistress, of course and the kids and I will most likely be losing the house with not a clue how I’m going to pay, much less qualify for any place to live after this.
I’ve tried so hard and was able to keep my credit in very good standing through all this, although I had never paid a bill in my life before he told me he wanted out. Keeping good credit will be impossible now, considering the salary change.
You would think he would at least give us a grocery card.
I told him the other day, that I cannot even pay the basics right now. I said, “I mean even food for the kids”. He said, “I don’t know what to tell you.” That was it.

My best friend and her husband invited me over last night for supper and at my place setting was an envelope with my name on it. Inside were 2 grocery cards and cash…I could hardly speak, I was so teary. What a beautiful gift. I do believe in Angels and they were all around me last night.
When you said that you “hope my husband and his mistress get everything they deserve and more”, it made me think…
I’ve tried so hard not to be bitter cause that eats you up, but it really is getting tougher every day not to be bitter, especially when it involves feeding my children (even though they are EMANCIPATED-HA)

I know things will be better. Thank you for wishing me a wonderful life. That sounds like a very good plan indeed and one I’m determined to follow.
I wish you the same Melaniekitty.

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#3

No justice in this system, no justice! I hope you will all be well and wish the best for you. Did your SA or DA not specify who pays the house payment? Put the house on the market if you have too. Don’t let them foreclose. Contact your mortgage lender! They seem to be trying to work with people much more right now. Go to Social Services for assistance and churches. Do not give up!

Owned


#4

The sad thing is…is that the longer the courts let people “get away” with this behavior, people will continue to do “wrong” because there is no consequences to their behavior. And we wonder why society is so messed up. I still feel that if a spouse is unfaithful…they should get socked with loss of EVERYTHING. Loss of child custody, assets, everything. Bet people would think alot harder about the hurt they cause others. Not to mention this is an immoral act. These spineless, selfish, cowards should pay for their actions. If they don’t, there is no reason to care what they do.


#5

Thanks Owned and Stressedmom!
We have a SA which is now a joke, with my current income.

The house has been on the market for 1 year and 4 months! 1st By Owner and now we’re on the 2nd Realty Co.

It’s priced way to high because we have TWO mortgages and we owe more on the house than it’s worth!! Like a Ding-A-Ling, I signed for him an equity line of credit a little over a month before he announced he “wanted out” and what a mistake! I NEVER knew or asked about what I was signing for over 22 years because I just “trusted him”. Dumb, but I really did. That got us over $90,000. more in debt than we already were.
It’s when I started asking questions and digging hard after he said he wanted out that I found out some intereseting things like he put $10,000. of the equity line money in his own checking acct w/out bothering to ask me. Other things too, but I’d be typing for days…

He pays the higher mortgage and I pay the lower per our SA. He pays HI through his company for the kids and car maintenance for our son. I pay car ins for our college girl and all their other living expenses for them, utilities, food, etc.

What is a DA? I wouldn’t be surprised if I have one and don’t know what it is![:)]

Before losing my former job, I could squeek by, now I’m just going to have to figure something else out for a while. I’ve seriously considered, like you suggested, going to SS to see if I’m eligible for Food Stamps and there is a place called the Women’s Resource Center that might steer me into some emergency assistance. Thanks for your encouragement.
It’s like water to a thirsty soul.
Take Care for Pete’s Sake!

gotanswers


#6

I can’t believe he said that! “I don’t know what to tell you”. After years of marriage, why doesn’t he feel even the least bit of concern for you after what he did… and why doesn’t he seem to care about his children? Just because they’re legal doesn’t mean they’re grown, I know at 18 I wasn’t grown, I needed my parents help. Just like my 18 year old brother now. Why won’t he help them?? I often believe that what goes around comes around. I also want to believe that good people perservere in the end. You’ll perservere in the end! Your friends are wonderful people, that was so kind of them to help you like that. I wish there was something I could do to help. Someone mentioned social services so I can offer some advice regarding that:

I would definitely try to find out if you qualify for food stamps. I wish I had my papers because it states in a household of three (which I am as well) you have to be making under a certain amount to get food stamps but unfortunately I don’t have those papers anymore. But my child’s father and I get $285 in food stamps a month, which isn’t a whole lot but it helps. He works full time and makes only $8.50 an hour if that will help you figure out if you might qualify. Any income the children make counts as well. Also they want your electricity bill statements and house payment statements or rent statements and stuff like that. They also want to know what sort of car you drive and proof of that. All of that contributes to the social services case worker calculating how much you could receive if you qualify. There is also something where you can recieve aid towards your electricity bill but I think that’s only if you have minor children. We got a check for $60 towards our electricity bill since we have a 7 month old but it was a one time thing. I am not sure if you would qualify for that but it’s worth a shot. If you make around what my child’s father makes or less than, then you will probably most definitely recieve food stamps. I can’t begin to tell you how helpful it is when you’re struggling to get by. The EBT card works just like a debit card. I’m guessing they did that to protect people’s privacy so in the grocery store all you have to say is “EBT” and swipe your card.

Also I think social services can help with housing but I’m not sure. There is also HUD, but the HUD list is usually around a few years long.

You and your children are in my thoughts! IO really hope you guys can get some help and that everything gets better soon.


#7

Dear Melaniekitty,
Your post is so sweet. Even though this has been a heck of a ride, God frequently reminds me that there really are Angels among us. They come so unexpectedly,like you just did to help and bless us.[:)]
I am going to look over everything you wrote her and make some calls tomorrow.
I know things are going to get better. I just feel like if he had done this when I was younger and healthier, I could have rolled with the punches much better. Damn him and the Green Maverick he rode in on-That was his first car and he was the first boy I dated. Isn’t it stupid, but I can remember the first time he came to pick me up like it was yesterday. He had on a gray, zip up sweat jacket and Chuck Taylor Converses. The year was 1975. Damn him.
Thanks Again and I hope I can repay your favor one day.

gotanswers


#8

Ladyharris, and all those in the unspoken Sisterhood/Brotherhood~~
Because I know you men out there have been hurt just as often as us women. Infidelity doesn’t discriminate.
Ladyharris, your recent posts really break my heart, because I was “in your shoes” in a way.

I sued my husband’s “other woman”. I hesitate to give advice, knowing that each person’s experience is so unique. I do not pretend to know what is best for you, but I do think I know all too well about the pain you are in right now…I am so truly sorry you are going through this. I will share a little about my pain, my growth and tell you how it WAS “worth it” for me. This post has been a loooong time in coming, so it will be very long.

I sued her for Alienation of Affection and Criminal Conversation, beginning the process in Feb. 2007 with my Private Investigator delivering my attny’s letter, which stated that I was suing her for Alienation of Affection and Criminal Conversation for her “sexual misconduct” with my husband. They had been carrying on for a long time and they didn’t have a clue I knew about their affair until I had my PI deliver that letter to her work. They still don’t know who it was that delivered her letter-They thought it was my brother! I laugh just thinking about it now 'cause my brother is at least 2 foot shorter and 20 years younger than my PI! That part was “worth it”, especially since my husband was never man enough to “come clean” and was coming home every day treating his children and me worse than a piece of POOP!

To this day, they do not know HOW I found out about their affair or WHAT evidence I have. That is the PI piece that I have chosen not to divulge. I recently dropped the CC and AoA suits, partly because, as part of the process, after she turned in her Discovery responses to my attny, her attny asked for formal Discovery from me, which included questions about PI reports and tapes that I would have been “compelled” to hand over to them. I WILL DECIDE whether I ever let them know about my PI tapes and reports. It will not be she or her attorney who make that decision-only ME.

Another factor in my dropping the suit, was that I had gotten all I needed from her.

I gained no money, but the KNOWLEDGE I gained from her formal Discovery, which forced her legally to hand over answers to questions they never thought I’d have answers to and HER CELL PHONE RECORDS is worth more to me than any money I could have been awarded~pages and pages and more pages of calls between the 2 of them WAY BEFORE he told me he wanted a separation. Hmmm…That was “worth it.” Seeing those pages of calls with HIS phone numbers ALL OVER THEM for the first time…I felt like it was Christmas and I was opening the best present I had ever been given. KNOWLEDGE. “Worth it, worth it, worth it!”

Backing up a bit…Suddenly, with NO WARNING, after over 22 years of marriage, my husband, my high school sweet heart, my HEART and SOUL told me he “wanted out” in the fall of ‘06. Then, proceeded to lie and stay here doing EVERYTHING in his power to make the childrens’ lives and mine miserable so that I would sign a SA. He denied over and over to me that there was “another woman” after he told me he wanted out. I knew better. We finally separted and he moved out in April of '07.

Back to fall of '06… I needed to find out what was REALLY happening and the way I accomplished that was FIRST with a PI, THEN suing her and taking her to the Discovery point of the lawsuits…PI and filing suit, “worth it” to ME, in the end.

My PI would call and give me blow by blow details of what they were doing. On one evening, The PI called me 3 times: Once to tell me how they had been at a house party, left together in my h’s car. Next, to tell me of them walking all snuggled up together into a restaurant~no more than 25 min from our home! Our KIDS could have walked into that restaurant and seen them. All I could picture at that moment, when the PI was telling me over the phone every detail about their displays of affection in this restaurant was how OUR DAUGHTER and her friend worked at another restaurant nearby!!! What would happen if our daughter saw this or maybe worse ~one of our kids’ friends saw them and our children would be have to hear it from one of their friends?! I was frantic and furious,imagining our son being at school, a friend walking up to him and saying “Hey, I saw your dad and some lady that ISN’T your mom rubbing all over each other at The Steak House!” "They looked like they were going to jump each other’s bones, dude."
My SOON TO BE EX(Thank God he FINALLY just filed for divorce[:D]) still hasn’t told his children about his girlfriend and it’s been almost 2 years since I FOUND OUT!!

The last time the PI called that night to report in, was to tell me how they had been, in his words, “getting it on” for over an hour in my husband’s back seat-his COMPANY car! I have all this and more on video tape. I had more than enough to prove AOA and CC…

I even have “snazzy” spread sheets she prepared for my husband before we separated that he left as documents I couldn’t open on our home computer. I saw a document icon, couldn’t open it, but when I rolled the mouse over it, it said…"Author, then HER NAME! I put it on a floppy, took it to work and opened it up. She details line by line how he “can’t afford” the SA my attny drew up…Of course, she coached him into not signing this. My PI even has footage of her discussing what looks like my SA in the FRONT seat of his car before they started “gettin it on” in his back seat.

It IS VERY EXPENSIVE TO the PLAINTIFF AND DEFENDANT in these cases. That is very, very true.

Sadly, because our society has gotten to the point where this is standard behavior and all of Hollywood is “doing it”, juries are turning out lots of “not guilty” verdicts in these cases, even when it seems like a “slam dunk” for the Plaintiff’s attny.

What clinched it for me on whether to drop the suits or not, was being told by my attny about a CC/AoA case where the defendant(the other woman) was found “not guilty” and SHE EVEN HAD A BABY with the woman’s husband–PATERNITY TEST had proved it. Clear cut, black and white-FOUND NOT GUILTY by the jury!!! The attorney was stunned. Crazy times we live in, I say.

I love in one of your posts, ladyharris, where you speak of keeping your sanity “for the sake of your children.” Please do WHATEVER YOU CAN to keep that your focus. I did not do such a hot job of that and wish so much I could have. My health suffered terribly. My job suffered IRREPARABLE damage. After teaching for 20 years I suddenly, when he told me he wanted out, couldn’t do my job. I could not figure out how to work while in a nightmare. Who can teach while they are trying to wake up from a nightmare? I couldn’t and eventually lost my job, a career I had been so proud of.

I am getting so much stronger and am now excited about what lies ahead for me. Divorce is around the corner and it’s so nice to think of there finally being an END for me in that way. I lately feel like a heavy, heavy weight is lifting.

Many things that have helped me through the last 2 years of this journey I didn’t sign up for:
My children, God, my steadfast family and friends and THEIR PRAYERS, Appreciating what really matterslike hearing my son play his guitar and knowing he will always have this gift to “get him through” tough times, PEACE in my home, Lots and lots of CRYING-very necessary for me, Lots and lots of Laughter–also VERY necessary for me, my wonderful therapist and doctors, MUSIC, MUSIC AND MORE MUSICYouTube therapy-I figured out how to make any music playlist I want! I have Jackson Browne, Alanis, CSNY, Chaka Khan, Keith Urban, Little Big Town, Joni Mitchell all at the click of a mouse. I would have crumbled without my music.

ALso, I have been so blessed by all the women out there who are so willing to share their stories of betrayal with me. There is this kind of secret sisterhood out there that you’ll find if you let yourself. I hope you men find the same kind of comfort in each other out there!! I’ve never thought about this, but are men as open as women about sharing with each other their stories of being betrayed? I’ve been in a Starbucks where a woman and I struck up a conversation about all this…Very therapeutic!

If I had not hired a PI and pursued AOA and CC suits, I would have always wondered what really happened to the husband I knew. It would have destroyed me. I will not be destroyed. Not having to wonder about that the rest of my life is well “worth it”. Like I said, I did not gain anything financially, but what I gained otherwise cannot have a value placed on it, except by me.

I don’t know if my sharing any of that helped you, ladyharris or Sisterhood/Brotherhood in making a decision about whether or not to sue.

I believe strongly in these lawsuits, although, sadly it’s seeming like some juries are not in agreement.

It IS a crime to sleep with someone’s spouse. Others DO intentionally alienate your loved one’s affection. It happened to me. It happenened to you, ladyharris.

SO many people think these lawsuits are about revenge and anger.

For me, it was just about finding the truth.

Thank you for letting me share.
Thank you Rosen Law Firm and your Attorneys for this forum.

I told you this was a loooooooooooooooong time in coming and I guess I waited so long , I just opened the flood gates.

Take Care Of Yourselves for Pete’s Sake sisters and brothers,

gotanswers