Dad's girlfriend


#1

You can get a “No Contact Order” which is essentially a restraining order. Keep documentation of where you told her to stop contacting you and other e-mails including phone records, if you have them.

I have never spoken to my husband’s ex. You are correct in that there is no need. My husband discusses everything with me and there may come a day when I must speak to her but until then there’s just no reason. It would be nice occasionally for my husband to not have to do all the running, picking the kids up from her and things like that but we had some very nasty incidents at the beginning, so it is best for all that I am not involved in that part of it.


#2

As always thank you stepmother. I knew there was something of a legal nature that I could do. I really hate it has come to this.

quote:
[i]Originally posted by stepmother[/i] [br]You can get a "No Contact Order" which is essentially a restraining order. Keep documentation of where you told her to stop contacting you and other e-mails including phone records, if you have them.

I have never spoken to my husband’s ex. You are correct in that there is no need. My husband discusses everything with me and there may come a day when I must speak to her but until then there’s just no reason. It would be nice occasionally for my husband to not have to do all the running, picking the kids up from her and things like that but we had some very nasty incidents at the beginning, so it is best for all that I am not involved in that part of it.



#3

I try and keep my contact w/ my husband’s ex to a minimum after a nasty encounter a couple of years ago. I rarely speak to her or see her and my only contact w/ her is via e-mail or a brief text message when it is about something to do w/ her son that I have a part in or have to coordinate like clothing or pick up/drop off. For us it has worked out best not to try and be friendly. We treat each other like people we have to work w/. I never say anythign negative about her in front of the kids.


#4

Thank you Mal. I just had always thought we would all be like one big happy family. What was I thinking?

quote:
[i]Originally posted by mal[/i] [br]I try and keep my contact w/ my husband's ex to a minimum after a nasty encounter a couple of years ago. I rarely speak to her or see her and my only contact w/ her is via e-mail or a brief text message when it is about something to do w/ her son that I have a part in or have to coordinate like clothing or pick up/drop off. For us it has worked out best not to try and be friendly. We treat each other like people we have to work w/. I never say anythign negative about her in front of the kids.

#5

I thought that at first too. My ex and his ex shared two children and she and I were always civilized to each other so I assumed that it could be that way with my husband…
But from the 3rd week of us dating with the high speed car chase ending at the police station with her standing outside the vehicle screaming, cursing, threating me and banging on the window…I knew it would not work that way. There were incidents with her being angry because I wouldn’t look at her, speak to her and one incident because I did look at her. I even had my car keyed…It eventually got to where there was no reason for me to even be around.


#6

some people seem to do it quite well…some or only able to be barely civil…sometimes it takes a lot of time and only if both parties have moved on. In our case I don’t forsee we are ever going to be “one big happy family”. But then, when are families always happy anyway?


#7

I’m sorry you had to go through that. That is scary stuff. I know her ex-husband slashed her tires and other crazy stuff. I have never done anything more than raising my voice and name calling. I always regret when I allow myself to get to that level. That is why I’m coming to this forum to learn a better way.

quote:
[i]Originally posted by stepmother[/i] [br]I thought that at first too. My ex and his ex shared two children and she and I were always civilized to each other so I assumed that it could be that way with my husband... But from the 3rd week of us dating with the high speed car chase ending at the police station with her standing outside the vehicle screaming, cursing, threating me and banging on the window...I knew it would not work that way. There were incidents with her being angry because I wouldn't look at her, speak to her and one incident because I did look at her. I even had my car keyed...It eventually got to where there was no reason for me to even be around.

#8

I’m glad that there are some out there willing to adjust to the situation and I applaud you attempting to be a better person. Separation and divorce is difficult for everyone involved, the one that is left, the one that left and the children, not to mention anyone who gets involved with either parent.
The main thing to keep in mind is that the child/children have love both parents and if at all possible it’s better if they are both involved in that child’s life. Just because a husband or wife leaves does not mean that that child has “lost” a mother or father.

I never got the no contact order though I had more than enough to be able to. There are a couple of reasons that I didn’t…one is that I believed it would only make the situation worse (if possible) and the other was that the boys would have never understood if I had had their mother arrested…
I carried a disposable camera with me for a year and I told everyone that if it took her beating my a** to get her off my back then that is what would have to happen. I couldn’t stop it, I wouldn’t run from it, but that when/if it happened, there would be witnesses, there would be pictures, hospital and police report and I would not drop assault charges. What finally worked was me putting all my attention on my relationship with him and the children and completely ignoring the fact that she existed…I did not talk badly about her to the children, I did not hate her. I do not respond well to being screamed at…
Whenever one of the boys said anything about how much she hated me and how bad that made them feel, I told them that they didn’t need to concern themselves about that because it didn’t matter to me. They would say, but she called you ---- and I would ask them what difference that made. It/they were just words and they couldn’t hurt me unless I let them. I knew that the things she said about me weren’t true and that’s all that mattered.
They both saw me walk away from her yelling and screaming in my face and shoving me. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It made her more angry that I wouldn’t hit her but I am not a violent person and have never seen the reason for it. It broke my heart to see the boys so upset over the way she was acting.

If this woman is a problem for you then my suggestion is this: do not respond to her. Keep documentation in case it’s ever needed, but in every other aspect you can pretend that she doesn’t exist. If they are standing there, do not look at her, she’s not there for you to see. Do not talk to her. Do not make any reference to her whatsoever. It may cause the situation to be worse for a bit but you can always mention to the ex that when his girlfriend grows up and can be an adult then there may be a way for the two of you to communicate again. Let him know that in the mean time, she needs to quit contacting you or you will be forced to take legal action.


#9

Thank you so much for your advice. I can totally relate to where you are coming from and it helps me to see the perspective of the ‘stepmom’ role. I don’t ever want to make his girlfriend feel the way that woman made you feel. It is hard at times to hold my tongue. I let my guard down over Easter and stooped to the yelling and name calling level. I regret that, but I have to move on now and not let it happen again. Your last paragraph is really what I needed to hear.

quote:
[i]Originally posted by stepmother[/i] [br]I'm glad that there are some out there willing to adjust to the situation and I applaud you attempting to be a better person. Separation and divorce is difficult for everyone involved, the one that is left, the one that left and the children, not to mention anyone who gets involved with either parent. The main thing to keep in mind is that the child/children have love both parents and if at all possible it's better if they are both involved in that child's life. Just because a husband or wife leaves does not mean that that child has "lost" a mother or father.

I never got the no contact order though I had more than enough to be able to. There are a couple of reasons that I didn’t…one is that I believed it would only make the situation worse (if possible) and the other was that the boys would have never understood if I had had their mother arrested…
I carried a disposable camera with me for a year and I told everyone that if it took her beating my a** to get her off my back then that is what would have to happen. I couldn’t stop it, I wouldn’t run from it, but that when/if it happened, there would be witnesses, there would be pictures, hospital and police report and I would not drop assault charges. What finally worked was me putting all my attention on my relationship with him and the children and completely ignoring the fact that she existed…I did not talk badly about her to the children, I did not hate her. I do not respond well to being screamed at…
Whenever one of the boys said anything about how much she hated me and how bad that made them feel, I told them that they didn’t need to concern themselves about that because it didn’t matter to me. They would say, but she called you ---- and I would ask them what difference that made. It/they were just words and they couldn’t hurt me unless I let them. I knew that the things she said about me weren’t true and that’s all that mattered.
They both saw me walk away from her yelling and screaming in my face and shoving me. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It made her more angry that I wouldn’t hit her but I am not a violent person and have never seen the reason for it. It broke my heart to see the boys so upset over the way she was acting.

If this woman is a problem for you then my suggestion is this: do not respond to her. Keep documentation in case it’s ever needed, but in every other aspect you can pretend that she doesn’t exist. If they are standing there, do not look at her, she’s not there for you to see. Do not talk to her. Do not make any reference to her whatsoever. It may cause the situation to be worse for a bit but you can always mention to the ex that when his girlfriend grows up and can be an adult then there may be a way for the two of you to communicate again. Let him know that in the mean time, she needs to quit contacting you or you will be forced to take legal action.



#10

My ex-hus girlfriend continues to contact me via email and phone. We had started a great relationship and recent disagreements with my ex and I have led her and I down the not so nice path with each other. She gets involved where it is of no concern to her. I have my child with my ex husband and shouldn’t have to talk to her about my son or my disagreements with my ex. She should be there to support him and stay out of my life. I have asked her stop contacting me by email and by phone. Is there any legal way I can have her stop contacting me?