Miswiggie
These topic flame when the subject has a lot of replies. Meaning it’s a “hot” topic. There’s nothing wrong with that, the more opinions the better sometimes.
As for custody of your children, here is what the law in NC states and take special note of the domestic violence statements:
Hi Stepmother:
Thanks so much for your feedback. There were multiple restraining orders but no charges for the domestic violence was ever filed. However, there were several restraining order violations which led to an arrest and a no-contest judgment with a deferred sentence. Unfortunately, I was in a situation where if my husband was arrested, I’d be stuck without a job and two little children and a slew of bills. I determined to get a job and save up my money. I was able to leave him once I’d saved up enough to move out.
Anyway, thanks again for your informative response. 
Again… in most courts in the U.S., the odds are, women get custody 80% of the time. Your worries are unfounded. I don’t have a lot of sympathy for dad since he can’t control his recreational drinking. But, if dad is actually a good person in general, then you might want to see if you can ask for joint custody. Kids need both parents (in most cases.)
Hi Hawkman - thanks for your reply. I agree with you - kids do need both parents. It’s not good for kids to be split from their parents - at all. I see how this has affected both of my children, especially the oldest. However, I’ve suggested joint custody many times, but the dad makes statements about wanting sole custody because he thinks there is something wrong with ME. Sigh. I just pray a judge will really use wisdom in this case and do what is best for the children. I wouldn’t mind joint parenting - although I don’t know what type of person their dad is now: I don’t know if he still drinks, if he still owns a gun… all these things make me super nervous. I’m checking into programs for legal aid, but many seem to be for other civil issues, not “divorce”. Double sigh!!!
I wish there was more affordable legal help for victims of domestic violence when it comes to getting a divorce. It’s not like some women (or men!) just want a divorce as a luxury. It’s that desire for freedom that is wanted…
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[i]Originally posted by hawkman[/i] [br]Again... in most courts in the U.S., the odds are, women get custody 80% of the time. Your worries are unfounded. I don't have a lot of sympathy for dad since he can't control his recreational drinking. But, if dad is actually a good person in general, then you might want to see if you can ask for joint custody. Kids need both parents (in most cases.)
If, I were you, I would just go ahead and file for Divorce and Custody and have the papers served. You could also get a restraining order if you fear retaliation based on the Domestic Violence records. I suspect that he has decided to put you and the kids in his past and move on with his life. Once he has been served the papers, he must respond within 30 days to the courts or, he loses all chances of any custody but will end up having to pay child support and possibly alimony.
Was there a history of Domestic Violence in the marriage or did it come about when your desires for a divorce became evident? A lot of women make the mistake of leaving with the children or filing for divorce without even first considering discussing it with the husband. This creates more problems than one can imagine. People should consider the long term consequences of their actions. If, you want out of a marriage, you should find a way to work it out amoung yourselves and not go behind one anothers backs and start a war!
I’m not saying this is the case here, but too many times, a bad marriage turns into a disaster for everyone because people are too afraid to confront the other person with their desire for a divorce. It can be done in the presence of a 3rd party so things do not get out of hand.
Phil
Hi Phil:
Thanks for your feedback. I would like to file for the divorce and custody, but I’m not sure how to draw up an appropriate agreement for custody, etc. When he’s served, he will probably look for a high-powered attorney and then come after me with both guns a-blazing. This is one of the reasons why I am searching around for legal assistance. When I lived in another state, I attempted to get a restraining order for this same issue. I was granted an emergency order, which included the kids, but at a hearing two weeks later - the order was dismissed because the judge said he didn’t have power over a citizen of another state. I can understand that. Unfortunately, listed on the original restraining order was the addresses of the kids schools and daycares…telling him where not to go ended up informing him of exactly where we were.
Yes, there was all manner of domestic abuse during the course of our relationship. I was able to leave him when I did because I was working and secretly saving money to get my own place. If he knew of my plans then he would have become enraged at me.
You are right, any parent shouldn’t just up and leave without discussing it with the other parent first. Unfortunately, my situation was very different. I had to leave the state for my own safety as well as the safety of my children. It’s such a long complicated story!!! My goodness!
Anyways, thank you for your reply.
Victoria
One would think that since he has a history of violence, then you would not have any problems getting divorced and keeping custody since you fled in fear of him. Just make sure you keep all records and court doucments and you should be ok. Just because he has money and can hire lawyers does not mean he will prevail. When it comes to Family Law Attorneys, most are just glorified paper pushers and want to keep court hearings to a minimum. That way, they can handle more cases and make more money. And usually, their staff is doing all the paperwork for them. What I have found in my case is that the lawyers wait until just before a hearing and try to negotiate out of court. Not sure why they wait for the last minute but, a lot of them do. Maybe it is one of their strategies or, they don’t have the time to negotiate up front. Who knows but, it gets frustrating.
My wifes lawyer is playing this game with me so, when he comes and wants to negotiate, I am just going to say No Thank You!
Phil
Hi all. Please don’t flame this…
In October of '03 ago I left my husband who is an alcoholic and has been arrested several times for domestic violence. In May of '04, I moved out of the state with our two children to go live with family members. My husband had been arrested, lost his job, had no vehicle or income, was not supporting myself or the children, and had no interest in seeing the children. I hated to do that to my kids, but our safety came first. It’s tough living as a single parent without a support group. I couldn’t afford the cost of living, daycare etc… and I was working a third shift job with a law enforcement agency.
Now I’m ready to file for a divorce, and will be doing it by myself. I’ve asked my husband several times what kind of custody arrangements he thinks is fair, for both of us but mostly the kids. (he lives out in CO.) I think he loves his kids, and I certainly don’t want to keep the kids from their dad.
My husband refuses to tell me how he’d like to fairly arrange visitations. I’ve tried my best to be fair with time, as fair as you can be when two parents live in two states! Unfortunately, all he can suggest is for me to sign over parental rights to him, or to come live in his basement so I can see the kids when I want. [?]
Now he’s threatening to call the police and have me arrested for ‘custodial kidnapping’ of the children. (This doesn’t work in a CO court. There were no custody orders existing when we moved. The PD I worked for said that I was within my rights to move.)
Anyways, I’m really scared to go to court. I’m afraid a judge will think I’ve done a bad thing and will order full custody to the kids’ dad. I’m desperate to get a divorce. I just want freedom from the abusive relationship that I have endured for way too long. The kids and I were just not in a safe or healthy environment out in Colorado. [V]
I suppose I just don’t know what else to do here. Writing this out helps a bit… But any feedback from anyone would be greatly appreciated! I can’t figure out what to do about visitation and parenting time (the kids are 7 and 4, much too young to fly on a plane alone.) and I’m certainly scared to file for this divorce. He’ll be able to figure out our address now, and I’m super scared he’s going to show up here. Lord only knows what would happen then!
The Women’s Center only offers minimal legal advice…I’m not working so an attorney is out of the question.
Any words of wisdom???