I’m not sure if this is exactly a legal question but looking for suggestions.
My husband is having an affair, but how do I prove this? I know when and where this is happening. I don’t know who with. I could probably come up with the other party’s license plate if I tried really hard.
Am I supposed to hide in the bushes and take photos or something?
No help on this one?
I am getting ready to confront and I just want to make sure I have enough. Is it enough that I have personally witnessed it? Should I try to get the name of the 3rd party? I’m getting tired of tailing them all over town!
Not a lawyer
Personally witnessing it alone is not sufficient. Taking pictures through windows can, depending on the property on which you’re standing and where you’re standing, be construed as invasion of privacy and your husband can sue you. Be very careful.
In the absence of direct evidence or a confession, you need one of two things:
It sounds like you don’t have the patience to get proof of inclination and opportunity, are willing to hire a private investigator to gather needed evidence legally, are unwilling to consult a lawyer to find out this information, or provide details as to whether the paramour has money worth pursuing to make the wait and effort worthwhile. As a result, you’re going down the wrong path.
Sorry for being harsh, but after having gone through this myself, paying $10,000 in PI fees, waiting 1.5 months for sufficient evidence, sleeping in the same bed my wife had sex with her paramour earlier in the day with a smile on my face many times, it seems your impatience suggests you don’t have sufficient gumption to go this route. Go your separate ways.
Thanks for that, I had not considered going after the paramour, I was looking at it from an alimony (and possibly custody) standpoint. I am going to look into a possible criminal conversation claim.
Patience is not an issue, this has been going on for months and I have collected tons of circumstancial evidence. I just don’t want to jump the gun and confront too soon. Looking for some practical advice.
Not a lawyer
Good luck.
[quote=“juniorjam”]Not a lawyer
Good luck.[/quote]
Really?? I am pretty sure you are wrong on both those points. Going by the articles on this website, alimony and custody can both be affected by adultery.
But let’s leave the legal questions to the lawyers. I am more curious about your experience with the PI - what kind of evidence did he produce and how did he get it?
Not a lawyer
The PI provided video evidence and a factual report giving details of each encounter. The cost was high because of the amount of time and effort it took to collect the evidence at $70 per hour. Sometimes, they needed 2 PIs on duty depending on the situation, which doubled the cost per hour. After getting the evidence, had my case
gone to court, the PI would have acted as a witness in the trial (for a fee). PIs are licensed, so they are considered to be independent, credible sources of information. Most divorce lawyers work with specific PIs they would recommend, so if you’re interested in going this route, speak with a lawyer to get their recommendation for your area.
Regarding child custody, if the paramour is a negative influence on your children, then it can impact custody. For that to happen, the children have to be exposed to the paramour and the paramour has to be a pretty bad person (drugs, amoral activities, etc). Otherwise, the act of an affair in and of itself will most likely not have a bearing on custody.
Regarding alimony, you are correct that an affair can impact alimony in your favor if your spouse is the dependend spouse. If your spouse is the dependent spouse, alimony is wiped off the table. If you, however, are the dependent spouse, alimony will not be increased because of the affair. I made the assumption in my last post that you are the dependent spouse when I said it wouldn’t be impacted, so if I assumed incorrectly, I apologize. In my case, my cheating spouse was the dependent spouse. It was cheaper for me to pay $10,000 for a PI than it would have been to pay alimony and I wanted a near guarantee with solid evidence that I wouldn’t have to pay alimony.
Not a lawyer
One more thought…if you choose to pursue a criminal conversation claim, be aware that the cost to pursue this claim in legal fees alone will range from $30,000 to $50,000. This doesn’t include however many thousands of dollars you pay to the PI who collects evidence for the case. I mention this because the paramour needs to be reasonably well off to make it worthwhile to pursue this claim. This, coupled with the fact that the proceedings will be time consuming, emotionally consuming, and air every piece of each participant’s dirty laundry publically, made this course of action unpalatable in my case.
Thanks so much, JuniorJam, for your comprehensive response. This has given me a lot to go on.
I agree with you on the dirty laundry - my goal is that none of this ever makes it to court. Just looking for a little bit of leverage. It seems the whole process is skewed towards a dependant spouse.
To prove adultery you must convince the court that it is more likely that not that your spouse engaged in illicit sexual behavior with another person. This is proven by showing the court your spouse had the inclination to sleep with a particular person, and the opportunity (staying overnight, visits to a hotel, ect.). You may prove inclination and opportunity photos videos and admissions. If a supporting spouse commits adultery, it will guarantee alimony for a supporting spouse.
For an alienation of affections claim, you must demonstrate that you had a loving marriage, which was destroyed by the malicious acts of a third party. Criminal conversation requires proof that your spouse had sexual intercourse with the third party you are brining the claim against.
Illicit sexual acts are described in the statutes as acts of sexual behavior or deviate sexual intercourse, deviate sexual acts, or cunnilingus, fellatio, analingus, anal intercourse, or penetration, no matter how slight by any object into the genital or anal opening (other than for medical purposes).