Ugggh…this one is really up to your husband and he needs to consider whether he is going to look back at some point and say, “I wish I had tried to get more custody and maybe they wouldn’t have turned out this way.” or are you going to be consumed by guilt that you didn’t push the issue - it sounds like it is bothering you now. The whole situation is ripe for disaster and for something bad to happen to the children.
As far as DSS - I would continue to pursue it and take it up the chain to a supervisor, especially if you think the children are being neglected, endangered. At the very least maybe it will make her shape up a bit.
Thanks for the advice. I have actually been considering calling DSS again today. We had the kids this weekend and found out that the oldest daughter (22) beat up the mother, and the mother has a restraining order against her now, and the mother has called DSS to try to get the grandson because the oldest daughter is using crack. The three younger ones witnessed all this. It makes me feel more like I need to push the issue, but dramatic enough that I don’t want to. See the dilemma?
You are such a goodhearted person. You should listen to your instinct. This is every parents dilemma. You want your children/stepchildren to have a life without the drama, but you also want them to have the best life possible. About a year of drama is worth those children having a lifetime of happiness and opportunities. Just make sure you’re ready to take on re-parenting these kids. I’m concerned about your husbands lack of initiative? Why doesn’t he want to take a more active role to get custody? Please keep us updated!
Thanks for the words of encouragement. This is our weekend to have the kids, but we don’t. When my husband called to see if they were ready, he found out the mother had given her son permission to spend the night at a friend’s house. My husband said he didn’t want that on his weekend, he wanted to spend time with the kids. The mother wouldn’t tell him where the little boy lives so my husband could go pick him up. He went to pick up the girls anyway, and the mother called the police. We thought that was a good thing, because this is the weekend we are supposed to have the kids, but the police said if the kids don’t physically come out of the house there is nothing they can do. It is court ordered that he have visitation every other weekend, and any time during the week with 24 hours notice, but she is beginning not to comply with this. It is a horrible situation, and we don’t know what to do. The mother also has been letting the daughter who beat her up back in the house.
Your husband can file a contempt order against her for failure to comply with the court order. This includes letting the judge know she is allowing the son to go somewhere else on his father’s week-end.
This is what my hubby had to do with his ex in order to get his visitation. When she realized he was serious, visitation was a little easier.
Well, we had the kids this weekend, and the two youngest are still full of lice. Everytime they come over we have to treat them and treat the house. I had been doing the house every time, but I let my husband do it this time. I have been feeling so much stress from dealing with situations with my stepchildren that I don’t even know what to do. I have been trying to have my husband deal with most issues concerning them, but then he thinks I don’t want anything to do with them. Plus, it really seems to put him in a foul mood when he has to do anything for those kids, and I feel that the bottom line is, he is their parent, not me. Is my attitude wrong?
Please do not feel you are wrong. Until your husband actually has to do the work to get the kids in healthy order, he will NEVER understand nor appreciate how much you actually do for his kids. If you do try to get custody of the kids, please KNOW that they will more than likely need counseling (along with you and your husband) in order to undo the dysfunction that she has instilled in the children.
Yes, she is one evil woman. Whe works only sporadically all year long, living off her kids’ child support, and then around Christmas she gets herself a job so she can buy them nicer Christams presents. It is absolutely infuriating. We have since begun telling the kids that if they need something, they should ask their mother. She is the one who has all the money to buy them nice Christmas presents, because their father’s child support pays all their living expenses all year long, and she works for a few months so she can outdo us.
Update:
After the 10 year old son got his 17th discipline referral at school this year, he insisted he come live with us. The situation is “Temporary”, but I can’t get a definition of that. I told my husband if it was more than a month, we should get the child support order to reflect that he is living with us. My husband doesn’t want to rock the boat, since she is finally being semi-reasonable, but seems to think if he gets his fair share, that she will take Robert away from us. Do I need to post this on the legal forum? Any advice would be helpful.
Not trying to second guess your instinct but…
was she always a pig?
my husband just left me…I can live without him because he has chanaged into a completely differant person for whom I no longer desire…but the fincial mess…I am so depressed…Ican’t sleep, eat, clean and I barely take care of myself or speak with my daughter. Plus I own a 3000 sq ft home and I have a physical disability.
Look, I would NEVER condone a neglectful mother but you must at least ask if she was always that way or is there something devestating that she went though which is turning her life upside down…so much so she is just giving up.
My household goods should not only be packed up because I am loosing my home but my house should be SPOTLESS as well by now. I have so many days when I can barely get out of bed on much less try to start the lawn mower with disabled hands and
Just a suggestion…try to work with the kids…show them how to clean…maybe next mother’s day or big holiday ask them to surprise thier mom with the gift of clean/their labor
Even if the ex turns the house into a disaster again at least…
- you communicated and educated your step kids which is thoughtful
- the step kids learned how to clean
- the step kids learned how to do something kind for their mom
- you will look good in other’s eyes for trying to make a differance
- the kids and the ex may actually keep up the clean thing
Don’t know if I’d suggest changing custody unless the kids are IN PPHYSICAL DANGER. You could be opening Pandora’s box. See if you can encourage some posative changes from a distance first
Good luck
Thank you. That is what I have been trying to do when they are here. I have them do chores and help with dinner and everything else I can think of to give them training. The mother started sending the son without any clothes for our weekends. I had a talk with her, face to face, and she has actually become a little more cooperative. Thanks for all the advice from everyone.
Conscience at war with itself, I need some advice. New hubby’s ex-wife is a POS. The house is filthy, with dirty clothes, dirty dishes, and junk everywhere. The yard is so full of fire ants that she put up a sign. The swimming pool has no ladder or stairs, and is filled with snaked and tadpoles and leaves. My stepson fell in last year, and the girls had to go the neighbor to get help, because their mother was asleep.
She is between jobs more than she actually works, with the longest one being 4 months. So, hubby’s child support is paying to support her, and they come over to our house every other weekend,
with a long list of everything they need, “Because Mama doesn’t have any money.”
The kids had lice for over a month because of the house being full of them.
The mother stays home all day, and then goes into work when the kids get home, so they are unsupervised all evening. No one makes them get baths or do homework, and they have to cook for themselves. I have reported the mother to DSS for neglect, but DSS standards are so low, that they don’t even bother to go out to the house when I tell them all this.
The kids are being ruined. They are the laziest children I have ever seen, and I have been teaching school for 17 years. They do nothing but lie around and watch TV, and two of them are obese.
So, here is the dilemma: Do I encourage my husband to try to get custody of them because I know they would be so much better off with us, or do I do the best I can to ignore the situation as much as I can because I am 42 years old with 1 grown daughter, and really don’t want to raise someone else’s kids?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.