Would like a little advice

#1

Not a lawyer, just how I handled a very similar situation.

  1. I had both caller I.D. and answering machine. I would not answer the phone. If it was really important or an emergency he would leave a message and I could decide whether to call back or not…usually not. Of course, the first few times, he came to the house and I had to eventually call the law. He was sent packing with a warning(this is domestic criminal trespassing). When he realized I was not going to be controlled by him in my own house, this stopped. This is something YOUR HUSBAND needs to do. She has to realize she no longer controls his life and “he” needs to put a stop to it.

2.No, unless you’ll allowing them to do something that is harmful or dangerous, she has no right to dictate what goes on in your house.

My Ex would not give me an address where he was staying with the kids on his weekend because he had moved and didn’t want me to know(he had moved in with his girlfriend but didn’t want to tell me…I could have cared less as long as she was good to our girls). Since I was dealing with DSS, I called them and told them what was going on. I said I would go back to court if I had to because it was my right to know where my girls were staying. They agreed and I was given a physical address.

#2

Sounds like mom just doesn’t want to give up control. I think having caller ID is a good suggestion. What about just having an answering machine and letting it pick up. He doesn’t call her house repeatedly when the children are with her does he? it sounds as though she needs to have some respect for the 2 of you. Things may be different in the different households as far as rules and the sooner the kids understand that without seeing the adults battling for control the better off everyone will be.

#3

We actually don’t have a home phone, we both use our cell phones. But those suggestions still work with caller ID and voicemail. The children have a sitter that watches them after school so they each pick the children up from there. If they have to be swapped (I hate using that term) while in the other parents care, they meet at a public location. I don’t even ride with him for that anymore after too many incidents where she tried to harm me, or cursed me in front of the children. We don’t want to know where she lives. There was an incident early on, before he sold the house they shared, where my car was keyed. I never accused her but I know. This is why there are no pick ups or drop offs at the houses.
I have told my husband repeatedly that he needs to realize that he is their father and that he was taking care of them before she left and doing a great job. Just because she is angry that she doesn’t have all the power doesn’t mean he should second guess himself now. They are his children and that is his time with them and she does not need to interfere. I haven’t suggested that she can’t call the children at all. As you can tell from our schedule we have them 5 days in a row. But she can call and go by the sitters, as long as it’s before 5:30 when he goes to pick them up. That only leaves two days that she wouldn’t talk to them. But she does that and still calls while they are with us. Her questioning the kids about what I fixed for supper, and what we are doing, are a little aggrivating. She has even cursed him because I was reading while the kids were watching TV in their rooms. She said that I was ignoring them.
He’s had 15 years of emotional abuse by her and he’s slowly learning that how they lived wasn’t “normal”, and getting out of a similar situation myself a couple years back I understand where he is and how difficult it is. He’s finally started telling her that things she brings up from years ago does not matter now and he’s quit arguing with her about that stuff.
I have a lot of patience, but it’s wearing thin with the constant need to defend everything we do or say to someone who in my own opinion is very low on intelligence, morals, standards, and honesty.
I appreciate your responses. Still would like an attorney to respond to this also.

#4

Dear stepmother:

Greetings. 1. What does the order say for phone calls? I would allow her one call per day and just not answer the remaining calls. I would have your husband address this concern in writing with her.

  1. No, she does not have any right to tell him when their bedtime is at his house, although this is something that both parties should try to agree on for the children’s consistency.

  2. She has no ability to tell him what activities he can do with the children or have them do as long as they are not harmful to the kids.

  3. No, she has little to no say.

Thank you.

Janet L. Fritts
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm

4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.256.1665 direct fax

301 McCullough Drive Suite 510
Charlotte, North Carolina 28262
704.644.2831 main voice
704.307.4595 main fax

1829 East Franklin Street, Bldg 600
Chapel Hill, NC 27514
919.321.0780 main phone
919.787.6668 main fax

ROSEN.COM

The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service but a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action.

#5

Dear Stepmother,
I don’t want to hold up your question for the attorneys, but your post sounds so much like what I went through with my husband’s ex. I know what you are going through and if you want to chat sometime feel free to email me at idgielugh@yahoo.com.

Good Luck
Kelly

#6

Dear nwkltl:

That is sweet of you and I hope you both can help each other through this process.

Janet L. Fritts
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm

4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.256.1665 direct fax

301 McCullough Drive Suite 510
Charlotte, North Carolina 28262
704.644.2831 main voice
704.307.4595 main fax

1829 East Franklin Street, Bldg 600
Chapel Hill, NC 27514
919.321.0780 main phone
919.787.6668 main fax

ROSEN.COM

The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service but a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action.

#7

I’ve searched through these forums for days now and I have found nothing that gives me a clear answer so I’m going to ask again.
First a little background. Husband’s ex moved out Nov '04 and left the kids with him. She took everything in the house except his chair and one TV, and signed her rights to the house over to him. She pushed him to get separation papers so that she could be seen with her boyfriend. He and I started dating a month after separation papers were signed, which seemed to make her lose her mind with fury. She has threatened me numerous times, screamed, cursed, and generally shown the darker side of psychotic love. She went days and sometimes weeks without talking to her children or seeing them all through the separation. Except when she thought it would show me how much her children loved her. I have never tried to take their mother’s place or even spoken badly about her. I had some understanding for her at the start because I know what it is like to be in a relationship that you are not happy in. I even had some respect for her, at the beginning at least. Before she accused me of stealing her husband and moving into her house
Court order is joint legal and physical custody with equal time. He pays child support $500/mo and twice a year gives her $500 for 1/2 clothing for the children. He carries insurance, she has them on Medicaid and will not use his insurance to keep from paying co-payments. He pays 1/2 dental and medical not covered. We have the children Monday’s, Thursday’s and every other weekend. She has them Tuesday’s and Wednesday’s and weekends. She has come to our house twice and we don’t even know where she lives.
After divorce is final she starts calling the children whenever they are with us and continues to threaten me, screams, curses him for ANYTHING I say to the children, even if it’s telling them to get a coat because it’s only 20 degrees outside or to put their seatbelt on. I’m not a mean person, I don’t raise my voice. But I am an adult and though I won’t claim to be genius I do believe that I am smarter than a 8 year old. I know the children are playing their parents against each other, and their mother especially against me. Any of the major decisions they discuss and can usually agree on. It’s the day to day things that she seems to want to argue with him about. She curses him about who gets invited to our birthday parties for the children, or if I buy the children clothes. These types of phone calls eventually end up upsetting everyone in the house and feelings get hurt.

My question to which I have search fruitlessly for all over the internet is this: 1. Does my husband have the legal right to ask her to quit calling the children while they are in his care? 2. Does she have any right to tell him when their bedtime is? Or that they can’t spend a rainy Saturday playing games on the computer? 3. Basically, does she have any say about what goes on in our house with the children, other than medical, school or major decisions?