Need help now

First thing change the locks to the house, then go to your local Child Support Enfocement Agency shouldn’t cost no more than $25 they can help. Stop, Take a minute and re- evaluate your situation, now start living in a way so that you don’t depend on support from him because thats what hes counting on (you needing him). If he wants to see the kids he needs to pick them up and take them with him and if you don’t want him to come to the house meet him at the police station with the kids. If you are truly trying to be in controll of your life you must take a stand and make a statement to him, He truly needs to know that you don’t need him to survive and he has no place in your life but as the father to his children which he will support voluntary or involuntary.

Make sure you keep records of everything. Dates, times, things said and any money paid by either of you for the children.
I’m not certain about the car title. If the car was left to you alone by a parent, then it is yours. If it was left to you both then it is considered marital property.
Divorce from bed & board is basically stating that one of you have left the marital home and that that spouse is no longer allowed in the home or on the property without the express invitation of the one who’s now living in the home. It is no longer his home…a separation agreement would accomplish about the same thing. Divorce from Bed & Board doesn’t have anything to do with child support or custody/visitation.
FATHERDORIGHT is correct in that about not letting him come to the home just to see the kids. It’s better to pick a neutral place to “exchange” the children, shopping centers, parking lots, any place that is not yours or his. And also about taking control of what you want out of this. If you don’t want him to continue “running over you” don’t let him. Let him know that he has no say over anything any longer. You can let him have any personal items he requests but I suggest packing them up yourself. If he wants to pack up some things, ask him to bring a friend and you have someone there also. This way nothing gets said or done that doesn’t have 4 versions. Take pictures of everything he removes from the home that isn’t personal (clothing, paperwork, toiletries). You may consider making copies of the paperwork prior to him taking it since bank accounts are considered marital property…
I’ve never heard of a case where custody was done so that the parent moved in and out of the home so that the children wouldn’t have to. It takes a considerable amount of money and cooperation to do this and most couples are just not that willing to go to those lengths for the other parent.

Thank you so much for your comments and thoughts. It is so helpful, especially since I feel so lost. I do have another question, though. Is it OK for me not to let him in the house now? I don’t want him to say that I’ve kept him from his home, and gain some leverage that way. Since he left with the understanding that we’ve separated, and the kids and I stayed, now this is my residence? Also, I’ve gone on the Child Support Enforcement website (thank you so much for giving me that thought) and printed the Worksheet A. Now what do I do with it? I can’t get anyone at the Clerk of Court or CSE to answer the phone.

Thank you again for everything!

My suggestion would be to let him know in writing if possible that he is to no longer be at the home or on the property without your permission. You really should get some sort of agreement drawn up. This is why I suggested consulting with an attorney. While there is really no such thing as a “legal separation” in NC, a separation agreement would help to clarify all the matters such as equitable distribution, alimony or post separation support, child custody, support. And it will show that you both have knowledge that the separation has begun. After separation, the marital home, while it may still belong to one or the other or even to both, is actually no longer the home for the one that left, and they have no legal right to be there.
An attorney will possibly tell you that child custody and support can not be included in a separation agreement but that is likely if he/she draws it up. A separation agreement is exactly that, an agreement between you two and it can include as much or as little as you two can agree on.
I would find out where your local Child Support agency is, or DSS, and go to the office. If you would happen to get someone on the phone, more than likely they will need you to fill out forms, show bank statements, give information…so you would need to be there in person regardless.
Hopefully an attorney will answer also…

If you two are seperated, he has no right inside the home unless invited.

As for Child Support, you’ll have to make an appointment and fill out some forms and file thorugh the state. If they aren’t answering the phone, find the address and go there. They can set it up so that you STBX has the CS taken right out of his paycheck. If he refuses to pay he could go to jail and/or loose his license. I will be the first to admit the system is slow in collections, but it can work.

If you don’t listen to nothing else please hear this, So many time you will think hes changing for the better and things will get better don’t be fooled by it, for your kids you must stay strong, the advice you are getting is better than any lawyer or judge will tell you because we have been through it and you are getting advice from both side(men and women) and its pretty much the same.For right now worry about taking care of you and your kids and getting yourself back to where you can be happy without being with him and thats when you will no if your ready to deal with anything he or anybody else brings your way. STAY STRONG!!!

I have a few questions. You said he was a long distance truck driver. Has he obtained a separate address now (apartment?). I was just wondering how much time had passed since he ‘moved out’ and now. It sounds like he may have agreed to move out, then went driving for the week as usual, came ‘home’ and had no place to live. I was just wondering if that might be the case.

This is why its so important to have an agreement. I was wondering if he could come back and say he never agreed to leave and that he was just working the work week as usual and then coming home as in the past. If that is the case, my fear is that you may not be able to make him leave again.

If he DOES have a separate place of residence…then change the locks now. Even if he hasn’t, change them while he’s gone. He can’t demand anything of you property wise until he gets something in writing unless you want to give it to him.

You are correct; he never did have a different address, and is now saying that he never intended to separate. He doesn’t have anyplace else to go, and the reality of having to pay child support, as well as having to re-establish everything has caused him to decide that the marriage is not ending, period. He says now that we never separated, and he’s coming in the house this weekend, and there is nothing I can do about it. And, since we never really separated, then I can’t get any child support, and he just doesn’t pay any bills. It’s easy to say that I could just leave, but I really can’t just leave. Right now, I don’t have the money to move. And, my kids have been through enough. He’s wearing me down, and my kids and I have been through too much abuse. He doesn’t have any type of “filter” on the things he’ll say to the kids. I just don’t know what I’m going to do. It’s my worst nightmare - I knew that if I forced the separation, that he would figure out something to counter it.

It sounds hard but its really simple. Ask yourself who are you really worried about him or your kids, if its him then stay and deal with it , if its your kids then leave. Too many times you hear about women that would’nt leave an abusive relationship but end up beaten or dead or kids end up mistreated , abused or dead and some grow up to dispise the mom because she didn’t do anything. So the choice is easy. And I understand it won’t be easy but I ready be by myself with my kids struggling than with someone struggling, being abusive, mistreating me and my kids and a potential threat to me and my kids life. Marinate on that for a moment and then ask yourself that question again. Who and Whats more important?

FATHERDORIGHT is correct is what he says. You DO need to think about what is most important. Leaving will be very hard financially, but in the long run, may be the most satisfying thing to do.

Unfortunately, in cases like this, you really DO have your hands tied financially unless you are willing to ruin credit. The house is a marital debt as well as any asset and other debts. You are responsible for 1/2 and are eligible for 1/2. Sure you could leave and not pay house payment and what not, but it will go against you. If HE isn’t paying bills now…that will bite you too…especially if you’re still in the house (as far as mortgage, car goes). Because of the nature of his job, he has a good case for saying he never agreed to separate.

Men like this can not really be trusted to honor anything that is not legally bound. Childsupport will not be paid unless you MAKE him pay via the courts. He can bring you down with him financially if he refuses to pay bills. If you pay the bills, he is riding free on your coat-tail…which would probably please him just fine.

This is a life decision. You will have to decide what you can live with for yourself and your children. You NEED to seek legal counsel. I do not think you can make him leave the house. Bed & Board divorce may not be available in your case, but it very well may due to verbal abuse.

I feel for you and please keep us posted. GOOD LUCK!

If this man is abusing you and/or the kids in any wat rather its physical ro verbally you can remove yourself and the kids from that situation with out being penalized. There is a way out , you just got to be willing to go.

If you cannot afford to hire an attorney to help you pursue child support, you should contact North Carolina Child Support Enforcement. Their website is

If the two of you have separated, then you can change the locks and tell him not to come back into the residence. However, you should consult with an attorney before taking this step.

You do not have to give him the title to the car, and if he is being threatening and abusive towards you, then you should consider seeking a domestic violence protective order.

Helena M. Nevicosi
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm

4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.787.6361 main fax

Charlotte Office
301 McCullough Drive
Suite 510
Charlotte, NC 28262
Main Phone: (704)307.4600
Main Fax: (704) 9343.0044

Durham & Chapel Hill Office
1829 East Franklin Street
Building 600
Chapel Hill, NC 27514
(919) 321.0780


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After months of trying to get my husband to leave the house, he finally did. To try and keep things normal for my 4 year old and 16 year old, I allowed him to come into the house one weekend and stay with them, and I left that weekend. Then, this weekend, when he wasn’t supposed to be there, he came into house while we were gone to wash his clothes and take a shower (he is a long distance truck driver). We agreed on child support as the NC calculator shows (he got his agreement notarazied, and now refuses to give me the copy). This weekend, he gave me 1/4 of the agreed upon money, told me I was lucky to get that, and is now demanding that I give him the title to a car that my father left to me (I do have another car and he doesn’t), along with all his bank statements. He says that he wants them in the house when he gets there Friday. Here are the questions:

How do I get the child support ordered?
Since he has already left (August 31), how do I now make sure that he doesn’t come into the house, even if it’s “his” weekend?
Do I have to give him the title to the car?

He has been very emotionally and verbally abusive, which I have plenty of people who have witnessed. I don’t want to go the divorce from bed and board way because I he has 3 other children that he never supported or saw, and I don’t want that for my kids. Now that he hasn’t given me the full child support, I can’t afford an attorney. What do I do?