Need to leave- don't want to lose rights


#1

Hi, I have an appointment with a lawyer in a few weeks but I really need to get out of my house. I want to separate from my husband- he is being emotionally and verbally abusive and is currently in a manic state (all of his friends/ family/ doctors/ colleagues are concerned and he is not interested in treatment. He has been an alcoholic in the past and has been sober for over a year- and this manic episode is new.) Problem is, he is the main provider, and he is a financial advisor and controls everything. I do have my own checking account, and my name is on a few things, including the house, but I have no access to any documents. Yesterday he threatened to take me off his health insurance if I didn’t “commit” to the marriage. I don’t want the house, but I don’t want to lose rights to anything by leaving. We have only been married 4 years but when I moved in with him, I took care of his kids (he was a full time single dad), dropped my job to part time bc his life needed serious help. His income has increased dramatically with my support. That first year was over 30 %. He does not think I have added anything to the marriage so there will be no nice fair negotiations in separation. How can I move out for my own health and safety and mental well being, without losing my rights to my health insurance and any post separation support? Thank you.

Also- I went to visit family last weekend and he sent me streams of nasty texts while I was gone. He even said he was marking our separation date as May 6. He said when I come home to either bring 10K (random- he’s manic and trying to raise funds for a crazy business project) or bring a suitcase. The following day without apology he said I love you, and acted as if he hadn’t said anything.


#2

The act of moving out in order to separate will not make you lose any of your rights. A very difficult aspect of separating is the financial strain of supporting two households versus one. Meeting with an attorney is one of the most important things you can do.

I suggest you read our eBook “Before You Go”. The book gives some insight into what you will want to consider before you actually leave the marital residence.


#3

Thank you! I just read the book. I am in the process of trying to gather the financial information but I’m not sure how to get around some of the obstacles. I can’t get a bank statement of his account where his paycheck is deposited bc I am only listed as recipient upon death. But that is the account where I deposit my portion of the mortgage and bills. As for things like life insurance, retirement accounts, etc- he is a financial advisor- and he is OUR financial advisor. So I don’t have access to these things either. I did just get the tax accountant secretary to get me copies of two years of taxes- but she wouldn’t give me anything prior to that- which is kind of important bc of the drastic increase in his income once I came on the scene. He keeps all documents in his office. I don’t actually care or want to get a lot of alimony from him, I just want what is fair- potentially less. I don’t want to lose my health insurance, my car, or any contribution to the house- he also chose to buy into his firms partnership- which was a joint decision- and that was a big hunk of money he earned while we were together- I even picked out his secretary for him when he was hiring a new one- which was a hugely successful decision for him. I just don’t want to walk away feeling like I wasted 5 years of my life (I know that is nothing compared to other people- but I gave up having kids when I wanted one- bc he didn’t and already had them). Now I’m almost 40. I apologize for straying from my question- basically- are there tips for gathering the financial info when access to them is limited?


#4

Your attorney will go over this with you. While you might not have access to all the necessary financial documents, all of the items you listed are discoverable and your attorney can help you get that information.