My wife and I have been married for almost 5 years. About 3 weeks ago, she said that she wanted a divorce out of the blue. I didn’t even see it coming, although I should have as I had seen an email a while back stating that she was going to leave me after she graduated. When I confronted her about it, she said she wrote it when we were fighting really bad. I believed her as we had had a rough patch about a year ago, and let it go.
Although I did not want her to leave, I agreed. I want her to be happy. We agreed that she would continue living in our house until she found a job and a place of her own since she just graduated. However, we wanted to avoid each other as much as possible. So, we also agreed that I would spend three nights a week at my brother’s house while she stayed at the house with our two kids, ages 1 and 3. In addition, she stays away at a friends house as often as possible to allow me time with the kids at home.
Over the last year, she has been drinking a lot. Our friends tell me that she is an alcoholic. I guess I didn’t even notice. I thought that she was just having fun with her friends. She has always had sleeping issues and so she takes Ambien. Recently, I have noticed that she has been taking her sleeping pills and then polishing off a bottle of wine. I notice this because she is decreasingly involved with our children and I find myself coming home from work, cooking dinner, feeding the kids and putting them to bed. This is no big deal to me as I love my children and will do anything for them. Also, I had been doing it while she had been going to school. She has since graduated and does not work.
A few days after graduating, she asked for the divorce. She is still not invloved with the kids and goes out partying every chance she gets. Two days ago, I got on my computer and found her email had been left open. With no intention to snoop, I saw the first email in the inbox with the subject line, “Babe.” Of course, I knew she hadn’t emailed me so I read the email. WOW! She has been having an affair for the last 3 months. I REALLY did not see this coming and I felt/feel like a fool. I am a Staff Sergeant in the Marine Corps and this man is a Lance Corporal who is married as well. He also deployed a couple days after she asked for the divorce. My first thought was to print this email. I forwarded it to myself as well, just in case I did not have the unfortunate luck of her leaving her email open again. As I read the email, they talk about their plans for the future, how they will be the best church going family (my children’s names are included), He has talked to my daughter on the phone, met my son, they talk about how they don’t care what rank I am…etc, etc. The thing that stuck out the most was a line that said, “I miss having sex with you” from her, and a response of “I miss ****ing you too.” In the same chain of emails, he says something along the lines of “don’t ever scare me like that again…I worry about you.” Her response, “I know you don’t like it when I take sleeping pills and drink. If you want, I won’t do them together anymore.”
I have now done much more snooping and found comments on myspace between her and him and her and his parents and siblings. At this point I have over 50 pages of proof of a relationship with only the one email with admittance of sexual activities. So this leads me to my questions.
First, is the way I obtained the first email illegal? I did not break into her email. She left it open, and my thought is that seeing she is still my wife (not even legally separated and residing in the same home) and it is my computer…I should be allowed to view and use this information. Right?
Second, with this proof of illicit sexual activity, are we still required to be separated for a year prior to divorcing?
I want custodial custody of the children. With proof of adultery, admittance of abusing medication and alcohol, and lack of employment, what are my chances of obtaining custodial custody? And, can I demand minimal visitation until she can prove herself as a safe caretaker of them? I am afraid to leave my children at home with her for too long. Recently I came home and she was passed out while my 1 year old son was in his crib screaming with a dirty diaper. All the while, I have been at work all day and I have no clue how long he was left like this. My 3 year old daughter has apparently learned to sustain and entertain herself while I am away and her mother sleeps as she was sitting on the couch with a bag of chips watching Dora. I do not know how long this has been going on or how often it happens.
What will she be entitled to in a divorce? Both of our names are on the title of the house, however, I am the only name on the loan. I would like to keep the house as I am the only source of income and pay the monthly mortgage.
When legal separation is filed, am I still responsible for helping her financially while she is unemployed? May I remove her from my back account so that she does not have access to my money? I have been helping her out by paying for her gas (apparently to see her boyfriend) and her car payment. I am also allowing her to stay in the home as she said she wants to be the one to move. But, she also thinks that it is okay to continue getting her weekly pedicures on my dime.
Is there a way to remove my name as a co-signer on her vehicle? I do not want to continue making her payments but know that if I don’t, she will more than likely default on her payments, leaving me with a bad mark on my credit and having to make the payments anyway.
So many questions going through my head. I will stop here for now. Any help to get me going would be great. I am so lost and unprepared for all of this. I know she has been talking to an attorney but at this point, she has no idea that I know about the affair, let alone have proof. Thank you!