Reply to Deadbeat moms who receive child support


Connie Hall

I have been on both sides of this issue. My ex did not do anything extra for his kids other than the child support. Did not help with medical, dental, school or any outside activities. Understand, when I was getting child support it was before there were any set guide lines. I got $50.00 a week for 2 kids($25 each child) This man was making 3000.00 a month, company truck with gas furnished. I worked 2 jobs to support my girls. He had the girls every other weekend and 4 weeks in the summer. He took me to court to stop paying the 4 weeks he had them in the summer which the judge denied.

I met a man with three children. My kids were grown by then. He was paying 1000.00 a month child support, 300.00 a month spousal support(thru child support)25% of all medical & dental and paid all insurance. He gave her the mobile home which was in excellent shape and paid for, all furniture and 2 vehicles. He left with only his clothes and a 27 year old truck. Her bills consisted of $50.00 for lot rent a month, light, phone and food. She was also getting $850.00 a month for disability for a total of $2250.00 per month(her ankles would swell if she stood on them, but it didn’t stop her from going dancing on the weekends and spending the money on alcohol and drugs). He was left with $110.00 a week to live off of.

We got a call from the lady that she was renting the lot from that she was going to evict Lisa and the kids because the rent had gotten so far behind. He paid half of the amount due(250.00) and he never got credit for this. She just keep calling wanting more and more. He finally had to refuse to do any more. Yes, we bought clothes and toys that were only for our house. She sent them to us on the weekend in rags that I was embarassed to take them out in public with. I went and bought them clothes and sent them home with the kids only to have them come the next weekend in rags again. This was the last time they were allowed to take them home. Gave them bikes and their mother sold them therefore no more items like that went home either.

Thankfully, they are now all over the age of 18 so we do not have to deal with his ex. She, in spite of getting $2250.00 a month for 8 years, did not plan on the future or anything. She lost her home and everything she had and now only gets $450.00 a month disability. She is going from relative to relative for a roof over her head.

There are always 2 sides to every story and it is not always the man or the girlfriend or new wife that does wrong. Some Dads try to do everything right for their kids and their new wife or girlfriend try to help also. Any Christmas, birthday or any extra he got his kids came out of my pocket. I also saw to it that the kids gave their Mom a present for Christmas, Mother’s Day and her birthday. He has yet to receive a gift from any of his kids. My girls always include him at gift time. He was never late on child support and did what he could for his kids but sometimes it is the Mom that is in the wrong.

Dear tiredofit,
Your story sounds alot like mine. My husband’s ex did many of the same things. My husband has never been late with child support ever, however, when he was in Iraq with the military, she tried to get him in trouble by telling his commander that he didn’t pay his child support. Lucky for him I keep records of everything, and was able to prove that he did pay his support. She is very vindictive, and will do anything to get more money. My husband has 6 more years of paying support, and then the ex’s pay check will be gone. Like your husband’s ex, she has not saved anything for the future, and I can imagine the ex will expect my husband’s daughter to care for her when she is an adult.

Dear nwkltl,
You hit it right on the nail head. She is expecting her daughter’s boyfriend to support her. The poor boy is paying all bills for the whole family. The daughter got pregnant so her boyfriend stepped up to the plate and made a home for him, her and the baby. Within a month, the mother (my husband’s ex) had moved in along with her 20 year old and 21 year old son. No one in the family will work leaving the poor boyfriend working 2 jobs to support her family. Her attitude is that everyone else should support her and her family. Her and My husband’s sons took after her and not after their dad. He has always worked and right now is working 6 to 7 10 hour days.

The daughter seems to think since her dad is not paying her mom child support any more that he should give her money every week. Wrong, I had to have emergency surgery and will be out of work 6 to 8 weeks. Yes, I have disability insurance but it will take a while to get my first check so he told his daughter that he would not give her any money. You would not believe how she acted. Blamed me and called me a "B****). Said we had never done anything to help her!!!

She seems to forget that “I” paid to have the lights turned on in the house they are living in now. This was done at Christmas time and cost me $350.00 that was a “loan” and was to be repaid by May. Surprise, Surprise, I have not seen a dime. I also went to the store and bought detergent, soap, shampoo, paper towels, toliet paper, wash clothes, towels and numerous other necessary items for them. Every time the baby changed clothes sizes I would go and spend around $300.00 on new clothes. I gave them pots, pans, dishes, sheets, blankets and silver ware. Now all she can do is talk bad about me.

Watch, it is about time for the baby to need new clothes. I will put money on the fact that she will call and try to make things right so I will buy the baby thing.

I read all the replies and I just wanted to say that if any parent has valid concerns about their child that can be backed up by people like landlords (custodial parent not paying rent, etc. etc.) that is when it is time to call and retain (with money) a lawyer. You cannot help it if the other parent is attempting to alienate the child from you. I live with that everyday. My eight year has come home with some very interesting stories about me that even if they were true she would have no business knowing. A lawyer cant fix that for me. We did have it put in our custody papers that we cannot slander one another and I could take him back to court for violating it but that would probably be like pulling the scab off a wound. However that is not the same as children being neglected. When a parent does not pay rent that is a form of neglect. They are failing to provide for their children. I just think it is irresponsible as a parent to only sit back and complain about things like that. New spouses are always going to be suspicious of the old one. After all the idea that someone shared a life with someone you loved that you had no part in is pretty much a prerequisite to dislike. Even if you are emotionally mature enough for that not to bother you then chances are it will still bother them and you will respond to them in the way they respond to you. My ex’s wife is convinced that I attempt to undermine her. She constantly talks about how much I don’t like her,etc, etc. I was thrilled when he met her. That meant he was moving on. I have never said anything negative about her. But she gets her story from him not me so it doesnot matter what I say or do she will always believe that I am in the wrong. So now I respond to her with the same suspicion she gives me. I am not proud of that but I have come to realize I cannot change what they think of me. They will justify their opinions however necessary.
When we went to mediation they told the mediator that I don’t bathe my child. That she was constantly late for school. That she came to their house with no underwear. Sure she had been late for school before. On their watch as well as mine. Sure she went through this think when she seven where she didn’t want to put on panties. The fact that I did not eveytime she walked out the door check to make sure she was wearing them does not make me a bad mother. But if you are looking for reasons to believe the worst in somebody you can always find it. The first two years we were apart I would call my daughter at her request on nights she was at her dads. Usually she would tell me she wanted to come home. I did not encourage that behavior and did not go get her. I would talk to her and tell her that she needed to stay at her dads and spend time with him. She would usually cry and then finally we would end the conversation. Her counselor told me that if she asked me to call I needed to so that she would know that just because she was at their house I was still thinking of her. Just a few months ago the new wife and I get in an argument about money (they are upset about paying child support and I picked her up from school one day in clothes that did not match that had holes all in them. I asked nicely two days later that they please pay attention to what she was wearing when they left the house). In the argument she throws up to me how I have always tried to upset my daughter and I would call over there and try to convince her that her dad was an awful person and she should not want to be there. I NEVER did that. But it was easy for her to assume since she only saw half of the conversation. My point here is we as parents have to understand that the faults in our partners that made us unhappy are the same faults that will rear up in a divorce. You have to make a decision which of those are bearable after the fact. I knew that my ex was a weak minded person. I saw him be vindictive with other people. I never imagined he would aim that me. How niave!!! Just because I think he is wrong it doesnt change the fact that he is who he always was. I am just not his cover anymore. I can’t complain about his personality because it is him. I can only hope that when my daughter grows up she will decide on her own who he is and remember the role that each of us played in her life.

Very nicely said, Knell. I hope that everyone agrees with this. There are always issues with the ex, and let’s face it, no one knows what your relationship with your ex was truly like except you and him/her. And who knows what they are telling their new spouses/partners about you or if what they told you about their new spouse is true. My husband told his ex, when we first started seeing each other, that he agreed with her that it was a mistake to start dating and he wouldn’t see me anymore. Keep in mind that she left him and is already on her 2nd boyfriend by this time. She didn’t want him, she just didn’t want anyone else to have him either.

I don’t believe that the post about deadbeat Mom’s was directed towards a woman like you. I happen to know for a fact that my husband’s ex carries Medicaid on the children so that she will not have to pay co-payments for his insurance. She told him this, back when we were still recording phone calls. And I have receipts from the pharmacy that shows Medicaid paying instead of his private insurance. She also said that there is no way that $500 a month will cover baby sitter fees (for afterschool), clothes and school supplies, so my husband had an extra clause added to the final agreement court order that twice a year he is to pay 1/2 of clothing up to $500 per child. So that means that the children get $2000 worth of clothing a year. Now, I know that children grow out of their clothes at an unbelievable rate, but keep in mind that they share custody, 50/50 equal time. We buy clothing, shoes, anything the children need while they are with us, but if those items ever go with them to their mother’s they are never seen again. If he asks her about them, she doesn’t know what the children have done with them, then if we do get them back they are torn, stained or shrunk. She has told my husband that she will send the children to school in rags before she gives him any of the clothes that she buys for them.
These are the type of things that “deadbeat” mom’s do. We all understand that they are children and it’s hard to keep and eye on them or know what they are doing at all times. During divorce and after, they do learn how to play parents against each other, only because they do not understand the emotions that everyone has and how they effect those, not because they are trying to hurt either parent or step-parents. They want Mom & Dad back together and will do what they think is necessary for them to even talk. All any of us can do is what is right and best for the children and let the rest of the stuff work itself out.

Well said stepmother (from another stepmother). Often just when it seems like we are making progress towards a more amicable or at least civil relationship, the ex manages to do something that puts us back at square one. We’ve finally gotten to the point where we have told the older children that if they want us to know what is going on in their lives and to see them in school activities that they need to let us know. They were of course assuming that Mom and Dad actually communicated about these things…we do our part but she seldom does. Things are much better for us now all around now and I think the kids understand a bit more and see for themselves what is really happening.

My kid’s “deadbeat mom” is living in a $200,000 home in a rural area of east N.C. and driving a new Nissan altima. Meanwhile, my kids come to visit wearing the same clothes my fiancee and I bought them last summer. My son couldn’t even snap his pants without sucking in his gut because the clothes were over a year old. I get tired of paying “dadfare” and barely getting by only to have my kids dropped off looking like orphans.

I just wanted to say that I read several posts on here about Moms who expect child support to pay all their bills. First of all I don’t know anyone who can pay all their bills with 500 a month. But even more importantly the responsbility of supporting a child does fall on both parties. Child support is supposed to cover the childs living arrangements. It is supposed to ensure a roof over their head and food in their mouths. It is not a complete source of support for the child. I divorced my now eight year old daughters father over four years ago. I left him. He did the whole “I never saw it coming, we never fought, she left me for another man” thing. Lets face it relationships that are good do not just END. There are reasons and if you never saw it coming than your neglect or disinterest in your partners emotions was probably a big part of the reason. I did not leave for another man. I had planned on and tried to get the courage to leave for a long time. Heck I had even told him I wanted a divorce but he never heard me. Finally my interest in another man prompted me to get off my butt and leave. I did not think I would end up with the other person I just knew I was very attracted to him and I wasnt up for the whole lying affair thing. From the time I left we tried to do joint custody if that is what you call it. I left him the house and the bills that went with it. We did not have credit cards just the house and the car payment. When he was unable to manage them I helped him file bankruptcy. I did not ask him for money to help support my daughter or myself. I also did not give him money after the first month. He played the martyr for awhile but ended up in his own relationship so that part got old fast. He did not want my daughter on weekends because it intefered with his “me time”.After a couple of years of arguing about custody (and my daughter being in and out of therapy without his participation) I finally got a lawyer and filed for custody. Still with no money changing hands. I did manage to get him to pay for half of her daycare for a year. My daughter has always (since before we seperated) taken dance and other activities. He never paid for half. His new wife said that was a lifestyle choice so he should not have to. If they bought her clothes they were for their house, same way with toys. He never knew her doctors name or her dentist. Never took her to an appointment but had an issue with having to pay any medical bills. After we settled on a joint with me as primary custody agreement I decided to petition for child support. He has her one day a week and every other weekend. He agreed to that in mediation so he would not have to foot the bill for a lawyer. I paid for one but he didnt want to. He balked. I had planned it all along he said. She balked. My “lifestyle” choice were the issue. She did not need to particpate in any activities despite the fact that the child has and had social issues that even his new wife could see. She comes to my door one day to argue about child support but admits that she sees a need for my daughter to be active. The court orders him to pay child support in the amount of 266 a month. Suddenly he cant even buy her clothes anymore. He expects me to send them to his house with her if he has her on a school night. Summer camp is now my responsbility solely. I agreed to let him file her every other year on his taxes. I didnt have to but I thought well if that makes this easier its worth it. But it does not make it easier. That 260 a month has freed him from any financial reponsibility to his daughter outside of that. He told her when the child support issue started that he could not afford it so he was going to have their cable cut off and sell her four wheeler that he had gotten her for Xmas a few years earlier. She buys it and thinks I am just trying to take all her dads money. Now everytime I buy something she asks where I got the money. I work everyday. The man I am with now works two jobs everyday. That is what supports her activites not his 260 a month. That is what buys her clothes. Summer daycare alone is going to be 90 a week. I resent that all these new girlfriends and wives seem to forget what they would want if they were in the position of the “old” ones. I would resent anyone telling me what I had to do with the child support I receive. Being a parent is more than paying something everymonth. As long as a father can see that his child has a home and food I don’t think they have a right to argue where their money is going. If they want to dispute the issue get complete joint custody or sole custody and yes that means foot the bill for a lawyer. No body hands the moms a lawyer and if social services is helping them collect child support it is because they are a client of social services. The father still has a right to go to court and prove that he does support the child financially. Social services will only petition for child support not custody.
My point here is this. Why do new girlfriend and new wives think that they have the right to judge what the childs actual mother does with the child support? Why do they think that they can come in after the fact and actually get the whole story? That is not fair and it is judgemental. It is taking a bias against the ex lover and rolling that over into their parenting skills which may not be justified!