Serious Advice Please

Do you have family that lives near-by?

I have my mom, but she has gotten ill, is legally blind, and has short term memory loss, that is another stress that I have to take care of my mom. So I have nobody that can help me, except maybe a homeless shelter, but why should me and the kids leave when he is causing the conflict? I went to his dad thinking he would care enough about his son to talk to him and tell him not to throw his life away for fantasies, but his dad did not care and refused to meet with me.

I would like to add another thing, when my mom got ill she had actually fell and broke her hip. She was taken to the hospital and had a bad reaction to oxycontin (sp?)and literally turned into a vegetable, she was at both wake hospitals for 22 days. During that time she was in and out of ICU so I thought she was going to die and stayed with her for the first 17 days. I was heartbroken, when I came home one day to shower I found over 30 girls gone wild downloads at $3.99 each, 2 pages of instant messenger address, and found out that my son was being fed candy for breakfast. It was then that my son was standing next to me and I clicked on a link and up came a nasty picture… my son started crying at 7-yrs-old mind you and said is that what dad wants you to be? This was the begining of his REAL life unraveling. I am pissed, during the most precious moments of my life he has screwed me over, during the worst time of my life he screwed me over… I thought husbands were suppose to be your supporter during the good and bad? If I would have known that he was this kind of person, I would have never even gave him the time of day. Isn’t that fraud? To not disclose that vital information that has already done so much to 3 innocent people who were unaware? Myself and these 2 children don’t deserve the constant conflict and unstability of having a REAL family.

I don’t think you have a case for fraud. BUT you are not trapped.
If you had a good paying job before this started, you need to try to get a job now. Yes, it will mean finding childcare. Yes, it will be hard at first. But you are going to have to stand up for yourself and take control of your life and your children’s.

When my husband left, I worked part-time. I wanted to be the caretaker for my kids (not daycare) so that’s what we decided. After he left I had no choice but to get another job and look for daycare dispite my feelings on that. I could NOT depend on my ex to support me. I had to take him to court to support his kids. BUT I did it on my own, and you can too! Even if you have to start with a little apartment and work up, you will be away from the XXX influence on your kids.

He will have visitation though…you can’t really prevent that unless you have a LOT of evidence to his porno addiction and you present it. The judge will have to decide that. He will have to pay child support. Get it court ordered…don’t trust him to pay it on his own. Some men can and will be responsible and do it on their own…some won’t. Mine didn’t and it sounds like yours may risk that too. You know that better than me, so use your own judgement.

Bottom line…you CAN do it on your own and you MUST do it on your own. Be strong and don’t be intimidated by his words…it is hard…believe me…but rise above it and take care of yourself and your kids. GOOD LUCK!!!

P.S. See an attorney, gather evidence, and start looking at the want ads.

I am also proof that you CAN do it on your own. When I decided to leave my abusive ex, I had a 2.5 yr old and was 6 months pregnant. I held out through the pregnancy, and stayed with him until I delivered the baby. I started going to counseling without him, for the purpose of strengthening myself emotionally and getting the support needed to STAY gone once I actually left. I found which is a national network of FREE goods. Kind of like craigslist, only everything absolutely must be free. I furnished my entire apartment, except for the crib (which I already had from my first child) and a twin bed (which was a gift from a friend’s parents)… I began getting things bit-by-bit from freecycle. I posted saying I needed things to furnish an apartment as I was leaving an abusive relationship and owned nothing but my crib and my clothes… I was able to get a dining room table/chairs, fold-out leather couch (which doubled as my bed) coffee table, ALL my dishes, silverware, pots, pans, cups… towels… sheets, blankets, even extra clothes for the children… Even a small TV & TV stand. All of this from . I had a gracious friend who was kind enough to let me stash these things as I gathered them in her garage, so my ex didn’t know I was preparing to leave. I found a rinky-dink one bedroom duplex for rent waay out in the country for only $300/mo. At this time I was only 21 and worked in an office but barely made a living wage, but I still managed to pay my own bills, pay childcare and keep us healthily fed. Actually, I had MORE money than when I was with him and working a higher-paying job, because I wasn’t paying for his addictions! I bet you’ll find you have more spare money as a single mom, too, because you won’t be paying extra every month for his porn!
I had all that together so that when I left, I had everything I needed to live on my own, and he didn’t even notice…

I have found that if people ask, they shall receive. You would be surprised how many organizations there are that will help you. Ivy’s story is great. I read many stories on this forum on women who are scared to try it on their own and feel they shouldn’t HAVE to. When I got divorced, I told myself that I would never depend on a man to support me…ever. AND I didn’t want to live with a man who didn’t love me or want to be with me. I can and will do it on my own one way or another.

You may have to scrimp for a while…not have the ‘nicest’ of things, but you will have your children, and your dignity.

Take things one day at a time. Create a plan for yourself. MY advice is to go ahead and get a job now while you’re still at home. If you have bills/evidence of the porn activities (chats, charges on cards), make copies of them and keep a file. Write down instances that you see or what your kids tell you. Find daycare (don’t let one bad experience prevent you from looking) and open your OWN bank account in your own name. If you don’t already, apply for a credit card in your name only. If you already have one, work to pay it off so that you have little if any balance once you are ready to leave. Look for reasonable living quarters…just look and see what is out there. Once you are established in your job, and the kids are settle in their new environment, then go see a lawyer. Tell him/her your situation…give any evidence you have and tell them what you’d like to do. Get the best lawyer you can afford.

ComingClean has great words. And she’s right, many women feel entitled to financial support for themselves or their children from the jerky ex-husband. I, on the other hand, recognized that my ex’s lifestyle, morals, and mental issues were crappy enough that I wanted absolutely no ties to him. I did not ever ask for child support - I wanted as few ties to him as possible, and I knew that if I asked for child support, then he would naturally feel entitled to visitation.
Weigh the choices. Is it worth the extra $400-$500/mo from this guy, if the cost is that your children have to be exposed to his poor choices for the rest of their lives?
It was harder on my own, financially, without any support from him. But the freedom of not having to deal with court dates, payment lapses, or visitation was definitely worth it.

Dear realitycheckpleeze:

Greetings. First, there are sex addicts anonymous programs that your husband should enroll in. A pornography addiction can be very demoralizing and dehumanizing, especially to the other party in the marriage.

I don’t think that you will be able to make him leave the premises, but you could file a claim for divorce from bed and board. I doubt it would be successful, but maybe some others here know if this type of action has succeeded in the past. I will check around our office and see.

If I were you, I would look into alimony and also into new jobs and good daycare. It is hard to trust when you have been burned, but sometimes you have to take leaps of faith. Good luck.

Janet L. Fritts
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm

4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.256.1665 direct fax

301 McCullough Drive Suite 510
Charlotte, North Carolina 28262
704.644.2831 main voice
704.307.4595 main fax

1829 East Franklin Street, Bldg 600
Chapel Hill, NC 27514
919.321.0780 main phone
919.787.6668 main fax


The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service but a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action.

Any advice is appreciated, especially from an attorney.[:)]

I have been married for 12 years and have discovered of the past 3 years that my marriage is basically a lie! My husband has been hiding HIS true self since before he met me and we started dating, which was 14 years ago. [}:)]My husband is a porn sex addict and is constantly doing stuff on our computer that I do not approve of as we have minor children. I did not know that my husband had these problems until I started finding weird stuff in the past few years, that are even worse than porn to me.

It is not only the porn, but asking me if I would ever have sex with him and another women, trying to trick me into submissive and dominant lifestyles. My husband new my morals before we got married and new that I did not like that kind of stuff. I have been sexually touched in ways that I did not like as a teen and certain sexual context in movies etc. make me uncomfortable and he was very aware of that. I do not get off on porn and don’t appreciate it.[:(!]

Basically, what this man represented of himself is not what he is.[?] The stuff he looks at scares me and makes me sick and the stress over it makes me physically sick and deeply depressed. It effects my relationship with our kids and I am so scared that my 9-yr-old son is going to see more than he already has, thanks to his irresponsible father. Last December my husband tried counseling at a church and I thought he was doing well, ended up pregnant and now have a 5 month old daughter, and I am scared to death for my kids because of him and his addiction.

My daughter 10/9/06 and 2 weeks after she was born, I woke up from a nap to find him in a lesbian chatroom. Then last Thursday, I found him looking at porn and chatting with females, I assume?

I am disgusted and sick, I have been a stay at home mom for the past 8.5 yrs, not because I am lazy, but my son was abused at daycare when he was 2.5 and I quit my good paying job to stay at home with him. Now, the only income is his and I feel so trapped with no way out. How can I if there is any way make him leave the premises? Can I do a postnuptial agreement with conditions for marriage reconcilliation with a condition of vacating the premises if the agreement is broken? My husband says that he keeps doing this because he knows I have no where to go and no means to do so. Please give advice about the whole mess.