Wow…let me say how sorry I am to hear that any spouse would do this to a member of our military. I know that it happens but it’s a terrible thing.
The first thing you should do when you get back is to see an attorney. I do not know much about military law so things may be different. A separation agreement can be drawn up outlining any equitable distribution.
Whatever documentation or proof you do have is useful. You don’t have to have pictures of the act itself, but if you have proof of overnight visits that would be enough to prove an affair. See if you can find out who this person is…is he also military? She should have no claim for alimony given that she does work and with the proof of affair.
Your children are older so there is a good possibility that they can remain with you. But they would need to be in her care if you are deployed again…
Ask her to leave. If you are on a base, I don’t beleive that she could stay if you are separating, but again, I don’t know much about military law. There are others on here who do know about this more…
If she will not leave, you could file for Divorce from Bed & Board based on some of the reasons you mentioned but that is so time consuming and expensive that I suggest that if there is that much of an arguement about it, just leave. Get that separation agreement in the works. The home belongs to you both regardless of whose name is on the mortgage. It is marital property and the equity will have to be divided.
The law says that all marital assets and debts must be divided. Regardless of fault. A good way to look at dividing up assets such as furniture, is to ask yourself three questions…1. Can I live without this? 2. Can I replace this without a lot of time or money? 3. Is this worth fighting over?
The children, they are older and obviously know what’s going on. Talk to them. Let them know that you understand they love their mother and are not going to keep them from her but you do not feel at this time that she is capable of making sound judgements as to their care and maintenance. She is going through a “crisis” of a sort and they do not have to be subjected to that but that you are there for them. The most important thing is that when this comes up, they will need to tell her that they want to live with you. You can fight for custody, but at their age, they have a bigger influence over whether that actually becomes a court battle.
I will keep you in my thoughts and keep us posted!