Adultery/alienation/ divorce


#1

I will try and make this as short as possible. On Mothers day May 9 2010 , I found my 45 yr old husband to be havng an affair with a 21 year old GIRL. We had been married 23 years at that point and have 4 chhildren who aged in range from 22 down to 1. I confronted them both and neither would admit it outright. I then gathered text messages from her to him proving there relationship and told him I would not be party to it or put up with it and if he was going to continue he would need to leave. At the time I was unemployed and had been for 2 years. I worked the previous 20 years as well as took care of him and did EVERYTHING pertaining to the children , house, home , vehicles etc. He left without an explanation of whether he wanted to work things out or what,so I dropped his clothes and personal belongings to his place of employment. The very next morning he was shacked up in a motel with this GIRL. Anyways he has been back home on 4 different occasions after his begging pleading and promising to make things right and wanting to make our marriage work and how much he loved me. This Girl has claimed pregnancy one and it was a lie . Well now SHE IS pregnant and although she has claimed it was someone elses has also claimed it to be my husbands. I have tried to have him sign separation papers and he refuses. I have all the proof I need that they were and are being adulterous , motel receipts, there coworkers, text messages form him /her, there coworkers and supervisors because it has been flaunted publicly. His grown children have witnessed actions , his family has been witness to his actions,but he doesnot believe the law says thats adultery or that she is doing anything wrong. He has gone 8 to 10 weeks without seeing , texting calling or having any contact with his children to then only beg and plead for mercy to please come home. The occasiions he has come home it has been for 3 weeks plus at a time until she comes up with another scheme or continues to try to lure him back. (I also Have her love letters /promises to him) They now have an apartment together and he still refused to sign sep papers , he will not change his address ,so I still receive all his mail , even his bills for where he is living now.
Well today to my surprise I get a call from his “friend” the paralegal that says he has been in and is filing for divorce based on 1 years separation and she wants to know from ME , the date of our marriage and our kids birthdays and I basically told her to go to hell that he lied and we had not been seperated a year even if you go by the original date he left . My questions are basically these…
First , since he has been back home with the intent to make our marriage work , would one years seperation not start from the date he last left?
2nd, Am I not entitled to alimony based on the facts, at this point I have a 2yr old and still am not working and dont have the means for child care costs or even family that can help for me to go to work , and my husband as I said refuses to even see the kids , much less help with them. I might should mention I did finally get child support after 5 months throught he courts , and i also need to mention that there has been 2 ON record domestic violence situations between him and her, and she has 2 previous children by a 16 year old boy that she signed away to the fathers father and she has NO contact with them.
3rd , I am certain I should be able to go after her for alienation of affection/ and adultery . She has not only alienated his affections toward me , but towards his children. He has openly stated to his own family that she does not want him seeing his kids because she does not see hers.
Neither of them are worth anything financially in all honesty but I believe after all the hell my kids and myself have been put through we are entitled to whatever we can get .
So if anyways has any answers please please please respond.
And P.S. just for informational purposes, I dont believe my husband is truly filing for a divorce, It is only for spite and trying to scare me to beg him to come back but I am beyond done at this point.


#2

And i should say she has alienated mine and my childrens affection for him!


#3

Date of separation starts from when you two start living separate and apart and one party has no plans to reconcile.

If I were you I’d get an attorney, file for alimony, child support, and equitable distribution. Though you may have an AoA case, if she is not extremely wealthy then all you’ll end up doing is wasting a ton of money for nothing.


#4

The year of separation begins when the parties physically separate with at least one of them having the intent to remain separated. It seems to be that each time he came home, he had the intent to reconcile, so the true date of separation would be the last time he left.
Based on the facts you list, you are a dependant spouse, and should receive alimony if he is proved to be the supporting spouse.
Alienation of Affection suits are very expense to pursue, but you based on the facts you list, it sounds to me like you have a good case.


#5

ok well I have the texts and proof that it has been all him begging to come home and how he really wants to make it work and how he loves me so much and is so sorry for all he did and he was so wrong and has now got his head out of his ass and how he will never let anything come betwee us again! To me thats obvious proof that he has come home in hopes of reconciling! As for her like I said , she doesnt have much but its a moral thing for me , and the pain she has continuosly caused my kids . If I were to win, can she not be responsable for paying my legal fees as well? And/or even if she has nothing now and I win wouldn’t I be able to go after whatever she may have in the future ?


#6

She MAY be responsible for your legals fees… maybe, my research has shown that your legal fees are generally not recoverable in their entirety. It is very difficult to collect judgments in NC. This is a debtors state, her wages cannot be garnished, her bank accounts will be difficult to attach to and there is an allowance for how much you can take, meaning there are exclusions. Additionally, should she get married she can easily transfer any asset under her husbands name and you will not be able to touch it. She also has the option of filing for bankruptcy and all but wiping out any payments. I believe judgments are only good for so many years before they to expire.

No offense, but its very possible your husband was lying to you about reconciling. I would take every measure to protect your right to alimony, equitable distribution, custody and child support. These cases are very complicated, totally unpredictable, can drag out for years and are very expensive. As far as AoA, I think you only be creating more heartache and financial burden for yourself in the long run.


#7

Given the situation you’ve described, I have to agree with EotL. This is a girl who doesn’t have much in the way of resources, which means that although the courts can levy a judgement against her, she will most likely not be able to pay for your attorney’s fees, which means that income that could go towards your kids is going to be poured down the drain. Put yourself truly in the children’s shoes…if your mom came to you and asked “Should I sue your dad’s GF in court and spend $10k+ just to force her to admit that she was an ass and probably never see any of that money back or would you rather have a college education and/or a trip to Disney?”

In addition, if you reconcile with your husband, it will be an automatic defense for her to any claim of AA, since obviously by reconciling, his affection for you wasn’t alienated.

One thing that you aren’t taking into account is that this won’t just be a matter of you bringing up all her dirt in court. You will have to dirty your husband in the process, and more importantly, if she hires an attorney, he will drag every little fact of your private relationship with your husband through the court. This can even mean providing evidence as to your sex life. Make sure you are prepared for that.

I also wouldn’t get my hopes up as far as reconciling goes. Not to rain on your parade, but hubby seems a little untrustworthy at best. You seem all too willing to blame his leaving without contacting HIS OWN KIDS for weeks all on her. Quite frankly, I don’t buy it. He may be genuine about wanting to come back, but I certainly don’t think that his decision to avoid his kids and wife were all her doing. (I don’t believe in witchcraft, sorry.) That being said, what will happen next time he is tempted? Until that question is truly resolved, you won’t be able to move beyond this.

Better safe than sorry, especially where your kids are concerned. I’d say let him sweat it, and if he truly wants to get back with you, make him take the time and prove it, rather than move back in the house and attempt to resume life like nothing happened. If you do reunite, make marital therapy with a qualified counsellor part of the terms.


#8

I must not have been clear that at this point my husband will NEVER be allowed back! That only means I help do the damage to my kids. I NEVER stated that its all her , I 100% believe that my husband is the ONLY ONE keeping himself from his children. I 100% know my husband is untrustworthy! As for my private or sexual life , so be it , I have ABSOLUTELY nothing to hide, I have been a wife , mother caretaker for 20+ years . I also must not have been clear when I say that hes come back that I have weeks of text messages begging to come back , I have his own brothers and family members that will testify of his begging to come home , and him begging there help to have me let him come back and how much he wants it to work. This man stood in church and claimed to get saved and asked GOD to fix his family problems. I also have the fact and the proof that EVERY time he leaves again it has been with her promises and/or lies etc. I am not at all saying that my husband was not playing part in it , but when you are in bed with your husband and both you and your husband get text messages from her . And when he changes his work schedule and his days off so he does NOT have to work with her and she goes behind his back and changes hers to the same , I say SHE HAD ALOT TO DO WITH IT. When she rides by my house or sends a car of 4 men to my house , and /makes harassing phone calls to me when hes at home . Obviously there is alot more of the story to be told , but I am very clear on who does and doesnt own fault . Also to add to the story , I have spent an hour and a half at the local police department investigating charges she had made plainly in text messages and openly in public etc that she was sleeping with police officers and if my husband left her she would have him charged with this that and the other, and on 2 occassions she HAS had my husband put in jail for domestic violence . In 20 + years the man never raised his hand to me much less assaulted me, but SHE does have a criminal history of domestic violence and I also have that proof.


#9

But YES , she does play a role in him seeing his children and or even with him being able to speak with me in a civil manner . If she sees me , she will not step aside , when his kids are calling Daddy when they see him in public , she will not let him walk up and see them if I am present without standing beside him. She has broken his cell phone so he can not have contact with his children, she has even told the police officers his children were not allowed at the apartment they share because it is in her name. If he happens to see us out and she is NOT around or with him he comes forth himself to speak and acknowledge his children. Its obvious she is insecure and jealous of me and they dont trust each other much less anyone else but AGAIN , I deal with the hurt and heartache that they both continue to cause my children.


#10

An AoA suit is not going to settle any of those issues. What you should do is pursue a 50c against her (restraining order/harassment) which will prevent a lot of that nastiness. Additionally, if your husband is allowing her to do these things to him (cell phone, seeing kids) than frankly the onus is on him to do something about it.


#11

Endofline… are you an attorney or just an opinion giver? I agree its on him , but you only know what I HAVE stated and not ALL the facts. You also have to understand that he has to keep his job in order to survive and in order to stay out of jail for non support of his children. She works with him and had already as I said had him put in jail. The fact is this… He wants to be here with me and his kids , it is a game of win or lose to her, she doesnt really want him either , she just dont want to lose to me. I do not want him back but I would like a civil relationship between him and I where our children are concerned. He thinks by being with her and doing what she says it is somewhat keeping the peace so no further harm or damge is done . I am willing to walk away from it all but SHE wont stop , and I do CARE about the road he is heading and the further damage she will do if I walk away with nothing or fight! if I divorce him and ask for nothing , her intent is to take it and I believe walk away from him with what id rightfully mine and my childrens. She does not believe that I will or can pursue it in the courts .


#12

Maybe its not AOA suit then but CC. Considering we absolutely are not divorced and they have rubbed in everyones face that they have slept together to the point that she IS pregnant!


#13

First of all let me just state, attorney or no, EotL is just trying to help as am I. It’s often hard to sort through large tracts of text on a website and what may appear to be obvious to one person may not be to another.

So. Let’s just take a breath. We all want to help. No one is here to take a chunk out of anyone.

Your next to the last post you state: [quote]I am willing to walk away from it all but SHE wont stop , and I do CARE about the road he is heading and the further damage she will do if I walk away with nothing or fight! if I divorce him and ask for nothing , her intent is to take it and I believe walk away from him with what id rightfully mine and my childrens. She does not believe that I will or can pursue it in the courts .[/quote]

In this case, if you are sure that you want to divorce, and before you think about pursuing AA/CC, I would go ahead and file for equitable distribution of all marital assets, child custody, and, if you make less than he does, post-separation support. Since you have an admission from your STBX, he will have to pay alimony. At that point, your husband’s paramour will have no possible claim over anything that should go to the kids. It will, in effect, “stop her” financially. Once that break has been made there’s really not much else she can do.

Just my 2 cents.


#14

I appreciate the info and by no means was trying to be ugly to anyone . I can not afford a lawyer without digging myself in a sea of debt , so I was asking because I want to make sure the info I am receiving is as accurate as possible because I may have to do some of the work myself when it comes to filing etc. Yes , my husband left when I was out of work and unemployment ran out. I had 2 young children in the home, a 750.00 a month rent payment alone along with all the other household bills. He refused to help watch the children for me to work and I had no family or friends nearby that could help . He thought child support of 50 or 100 every 2 weeks was sufficient, I had to sell just about everything I owned in order to keep a roof over my kids head. I have finally got child support through the courts but by no means does it cover all the expenses and I am still unable to find a job with suitable hours that I can take care of my kids or afford child care costs up front while I look for work. I am truly a SINGLE mother . He gripes to this day that he has to pay the child support that was enforced , so there is no speaking and trying to agree on anything more whether it be financial support for me , or something else our kids may NEED. Yet he has another one on the way. It irks me to no extent to see them eating at a restaraunt , when I cant even give my kids the dollar menu from mcdonalds. And my thought process is , and maybe its wrong but I want to proceed with what I /we are entitled to before her baby is born and he/they use that as an excuse that he cant afford to pay. I did not tell him to have an affair , and I certainly didnt tell him to be stupid and create more babies when he doesnt take care of the ones he already has.


#15

That’s what we’re trying to tell you, you need to file for:

Equitable distribution - this will make sure you get your “fair” share of assets and debt

Alimony/Post Separation Support - since you are the dependent spouse he should be paying this to you. He may even have to pay back support

Child Support - Sounds like you have this already.

If you do not file for the above BEFORE your divorce is granted, you will lost your right to claim both Alimony and Equitable Distribution.

The other woman isn’t entitled to any of this stuff. As much of a pain she is, she legally can’t get this stuff. If he isn’t paying voluntarily, then secure your right by filing the documents. You should be able to find the forms to do the above parts yourself. Though I understand you still have emotions for this man, as he is the father of your children, you need to look out for yourself. Stop worrying about him, because he doesn’t seem to be worried about you.

AoA is extremely difficult to pursue without a lawyer (it’s a very complicated and drawn out process), additionally it’s astronomically expensive to do. It also won’t stop her from harassing you. In order to stop harassment, you need to file a 50c., which you can also do on your own.

I am not a lawyer, however I have paid out over 30k in lawyer fees so far… I’m just passing the information I’ve paid for to others.


#16

Thank you very much!


#17

You are very welcome.


#18

And I had posted a thread regarding AOA and CC as well and there is a WEALTH of info there thanks to EOTL, Athos and Erin. Basically if she doesn’t own anything and doesn’t have a solid background in order to MAKE any money, most likely even if you WERE to get a judgment, there are ways for her to hide any assets she DOES have and assure that you don’t get a dime. They won’t garnish wages in this state except for Child Support and back taxes. There is a lot of excellent advice here for you to digest (and it will get overwhelming at times) but you can only take it one day at a time. I HIGHLY suggest the restraining order as I wish I had done this myself LONG ago but I lived with a man that I lived in FEAR of and who threatened me and abused me continually (primarily verbal and emotionaly but there was some physical as well … enough that I feared him). This isn’t an easy road that you’re going down but in the long run, it will be best for you and the children. I know you’re concerned about the path he’s on but ultimately you HAVE to do what’s best for the kids and SOMETIMES (like in my case) the BEST THING that can happen for the kids is for them not to have to deal with their father’s BS. Unfortunately I can’t write him out of their lives but eventually they will see what a bastard he is and will draw their own conclusions and make their own decisions.

I wish you nothing but the best of luck and I will keep you in my prayers.


#19

Thank you all . Now maybe you could tell me where or how I can get free or cheaper legal documents to take and file. Can I just file a legal separation document that INCLUDES the post separation support and equitable distribution? Ive tried to have him sign and agree already but he wont, so my assumption is to just file it with the courts in order to make him acjknowledge it???


#20

No, you can’t just file a sep agreement with the courts, and you can’t force someone to sign a sep agreement either.

Erin can correct me if I’m negligent here, but:

What you’ll need is a complaint form from the civil court for alimony, post separation support, equitable distribution, child custody, and child support with applicable cover sheet. Some of these can be obtained online at the website of nccourts.org. Make sure you get the right one for your county. There are forms/cover sheets that vary slightly as to whichever county you are filing them in. An example is on this site and looks like this: http://www.rosen.com/childcustody/cforms/court-complaint-for-custody-support-alimony-and-property-division/

You’ll need to file them with the court, then either arrange for a sheriff to serve them or serve via certified mail RETURN RECEIPT REQUESTED so you have proof of service. Within 30 days, he should file an answer, which, if there are any counterclaims, you will need to answer in reply. Neglecting to answer in a timely manner usually will result in an assumption that the claims are true.

Alimony and post separation support are not quite the same thing, so keep that in mind. (I would also advise reading a copy of the rules of civil procedures as well as learning all that you can about the different terms and laws of divorce in this state.)

I would also take the time to change the locks on the house, and if you have joint financial accounts, move 1/2 the money into a single account that is in your name only.