I have not been through this with the children but I have been on the other end of it. My father and I did not speak for 3 years…I regret that lost time now but we were both stubborn. I know that my Dad had my best interest in mind but at the time I did not realize that.
My husband says that he will pay for a vehicle and car insurance for both his sons until they are out of school and the only thing they will be responsible for is gas money…I worked through high school to pay for my own insurance and I feel that taught me more responsibility. I know that you always want better for your children than what you had, but I also value the lessons that I learned growing up.
IMHO if the child will not have anything to do with Dad, then you have two options; Not paying anything unless the child will agree to family counseling or setting up an account and just depositing funds on a regular basis.
Are you the type of person who believes that every child should be treated the same and be given the same opportunities regardless or do you believe that you get out of a relationship what you put into it?
To me, supporting your children does not always mean that you pay their way. It also means letting them stand on their own occasionally so that they can fall. Then you are there to help them back to their feet…again just my opinion.
If you and your husband feel that you just can’t bring yourself not to help but also do not feel that the child will learn anything by being handed support, then set up an account and do not let them have access to it until some sort of terms are met. If the child still refuses, then you are still putting money away for them…maybe they can use it 10 years down the road after they are married and their first child is on the way…or to buy a vehicle for them for graduating college…