Consistent Pattern of Adultery


#1

I have been married for 23 years. During that time, it has been unquestionally proven that my husband has commited adultery on 2 separate ocassions, with 2 different women. Much to my shock, last week I discovered that there are at least 7 or 8 other women that he also very likely had on-going affairs with since we were married, and has maintained those affairs thru present day with at least 2 or 3 of the women. Unless the women admit to it, the only evidence are his cell phone records over a course of years where he’s made a gigantic number of calls to them at very inappropriate hours. Looking over some old phone bills, I strongly suspect that there has been far more that just these.
I have had little option but to remain in this crazy marriage with him due to our disastrious finanacial situation, which involves not only lots of debt, but also two fantastic children who are now in college. (One will graduate in December of this year with a strong probability of immediate employment. The other is only in her 2nd year of college.) I have wanted to divorce this man, but he has proven to me 3 years ago, when he abandoned our two children and me for another woman (although he now twists that story); that he will stop paying any bills that are associated with the kids and me, including house payment, car payments, college expenses.etc. and begin only paying debts that are in his name. He even, without my knowledge, had one of our vehicles voluntarily repossesed so that he would not have that debt. He appears to outsiders to be a very normal, reasonable person, but a psychologist that he saw for about 3 or 4 visits suspected that he likely haves Narcissitic Personality Disorder, and possibly is a sex addict. He has become more and more emotionally abusive to me and even to our children. This past Saturday morning, he left our home at 5AM and without any communication with anyone , he returned home at 8AM Sunday. On Tuesday, Sept 7, he left our home at 5AM and returned at 1AM Sunday. I have discovered by snooping and looking at his saved gps routes, and some receipts hidden in his car, that he was at the beach both times where he rented villas at a very expensive golf resort and went to some very expensive restaurants, with someone else. (He also took my daughter’s golf clubs with him, which are clubs specially made for women.) I made a point of calling his cell phone on 4 or 5 separate intervals Saturday night and early Sunday morning to ask his whereabouts, but he would not answer his phone and never called back. When I asked him Sunday morning where he had been, he said it was none of my business. When I told him that I suspected that he spent that time cheating, he responded that “he is a 55 year old man, who can spend time with anyone that he wants.” He said “I ask you to do things with me, but you won’t.” (Nevermind the fact that neither time did he tell me -or my son who was at our home from college for the weekend/holiday—, that he was going anywhere. We were asleep both times when he left.) Without my knowledge, he recently took out $30,000 from his 401K plan, saying that he was using it to pay the children’s tuition. Well, he brought our bills current, including the children’s monthly tuition payment for September only, but has been using the reamining money ordering audio/deejaying equipment, giving money to his adult children from his first marriage, buying expensive golf equipment and playing golf at expensive beach resorts. I saw a deposit slip where he put $5,000 in a savings account in his name. I expect that with some extra money (and another woman with whom I think he is enamored), that he may likely retain an attorney and file for separation.

My question: I so badly need to divorce this man. He has taken too much a toll on me emotionally, as well our two children, who do not wish to have a relationship with him any longer. If I initiate any legal action to divorce or separate from him, he has made it clear that I “will be on my own” when it comes to paying our house payment, childrens’ college tuition, cars, etc. I cannot afford to pay for those things by myself, and I could loose my home. Are there any emergency measures that a court or judge could take to mandate that he continue to help pay for expenses should I file for separation? It seems so unfair that he could just find him another place to live and my children and I loose our home and other essentials. What can I do to prepare for this? I have little to no money saved because even though he and I have both been paying our childrens’ monthly college tuition payments, I have for years paid for everything else associated with their college or just basic necessities. He refuses to even give them $10 for gas or toiletries. I know that I have to try to save some “exit” money, but beyond that, are there any other things that I need to do to increase the odds of obtaining alimony? Is there any advantage to him for filing before me?

Also, FYI: (1) He was sued for paternity from one woman with whom he had been having an affair with for 6 years. She had a 5 year old daughter whom they both believed to be his child, and hid the child from me. Paternity tests later showed that he was not the child’s father. (2) In addition to being told about this daughter, I have been through 2 other times since 2007, when he has told me that he found out that he had two illegitimate daughters (both in their 20’s) with women whom he had relationships with before he met me. (But, while he was cheating on his first wife, obviously. (3) He is a relatively well-known tv personality, so he competely slants the truth about anything he does so as to not look bad in the public’s eye. (4) His annual gross earning are around $140,000. Mine are about $80,000.

I did have to retain a lawyer 3 years ago when he abandoned us, who I would certainly have to find a way financially to retain again if he does file. I just need some advice ---- any advice. I know that NC is a no-fault state, but how much does such severe adultery come into play when considering financial and property decisions?

Thank you. I apologize for the length of this.


#2

If you are the dependant spouse and have not committed adultery you will be entitled to spousal support to help you meet your reasonable expenses, though if the children are college age, their expenses including tuition and cars will not be accounted for. Temporary support, called PSS (post-separation support) can be awarded shortly after suit is filed as a means for you to sustain yourself during the pendency of the court action. You may also be entitled to an award of attorney’s fees in seeking support.
You may withdraw up to one half of the funds in any of the bank accounts, and I suggest you do so. There is no advantage to who files first.
Adultery is a factor in the alimony portion of the case only, and does not related to property distribution.