Give a stepmom a break

To all the bio moms out there whose kids have a step mom who is a decent, educated, hard working person who treats your children well, doesn’t expect them to call her “mom”…GIVE US A BREAK…I don’t need you to tell me what size clothing your child wears - I buy just as much as you do. I don’t need you to tell me what to feed your child - I know how to cook and I’ll ask the child and watch what your child eats and know what he/she should be eating because I am educated. I don’t need you to tell me that your child is sick and what to do when he is in our home - I have a thermometer, age appropriate medication and the same access to medical personnel as you do. If I don’t know something I’ll ask dad and I may even ask you!
I do need you to relax and give me some credit for being an adult. I know that you are doing these things because you are insecure and trying to control the situation and it doesn’t help any of us!!

How long have you been a step-mom?

you couldn’t not have said it any better mal…you are right on…thouse bio-moms try to control all the time…be there for 10 years now.

Maybe it’s not about control, maybe its about caring about your children and what happens to them when you are not with them and they are not in your care.

Maybe you should look at it from the mom’s point of view as well. Our children are our most precious comodity, maybe its not being done to cause aggravation or frustrate you but out of love for their child.

Maybe step moms shouldn’t take things so personally and be so defensive…

I agree that it is possible that the bio-mom is just trying to look out for the child.

That is why I asked how long you had been a step-mom. If you have not been there long, she may just still be unsure of your skills. She doesn’t know you yet.

My ex and his new wife recently gave my daughter aspirin - a no no.

Personally, I think it is a great thing that she reached out to you (step-mom instead of dad) regarding these things. At least she is attempting to communicate with you.

How many times do you see moms turn their kids over to the grandparents (even for a little while) and do the same thing. The grandparent ususally has raised several children and they still have all their fingers and toes to show for it, yet parents still feel the need to give instructions on the care of their child.

I agree mal…though the bio-mom in my situation and I do not speak. In some cases, I would say that plsadvise may be correct in that it’s not about control at all. But in some cases, I know that’s all it is.

I do some things differently because that’s how I was raised. I realize that I may only be a stepmother, but I would never in any way shape or form purposely harm those children for any reason. Children do not come with instructions and biological parents make the same mistakes that stepparents do, except that when it’s a stepparent, it makes them evil in everyone’s eyes.
mal, you may be justified in taking this personal and being defensive if the you are being attacked and your judgement and knowledge, not to mention reasoning and concern for the child, are in question.
I find that I get very upset when my stepson repeats something his mother says about me that is completely untrue. Could I tell him it’s a lie…Sure…but you try telling a 10 year old that his mother lied to him about anything. My stepson’s mother IS a lousy mother. She believes that she “wins” if she’s friends with them instead of being a parent because then they like her better. I care about him and his well being so it makes me a terrible person when I tell him not to run in parking lots, to put his seat belt on and to wear a coat when it is 20 degrees outside.
She calls my husband to find out where to buy their clothes and what size to get. He takes them to doctor’s appointments and makes them blow their nose to keep from getting sinus infections. She gives them Nyquil because it worked for her…

Yes, there are some lousy stepparents out there, but what mal is saying is that she’s doing the best she can and has the knowledge and skill not to allow something terrible to happen. She does not welcome her every move being questioned. Regardless of how long you are a stepparent, you are always second guessing yourself, as I’m sure a lot of parents do, and it’s never easy when a parent begins to second guess a stepparent. I would care for anyone’s child the way I do my stepsons, I’m sure mal would do the same. My relationship with my stepsons is difficult to maintain and when their mother begins to question me, it makes it almost agonizing.

First of all, I find it curious to refer to a child as a commodity…like you’re talking about stock that you’ve bought. I don’t have children but it would NEVER occur to me to refer to a child that way. Anyway, I thought I’d replied to this but I guess it didn’t go through. I’ve been a step mom for 6 years and this child is not an infant, and wasn’t when I met him. He’s now in middle school. I’m the one who noticed that he was breaking out in rashes because of the fabric softener she was using…I’m the one who cut his nails when he came over and they were long and dirty. We’re the ones who taught him how to blow his nose, who keep up with his allergy medicine so he doesn’t get a sinus infection…who make sure he is eating a balanced diet…I"m not saying she is a bad mother but she’s trying to balance work, a boyfriend and older children and it doesn’t always work. We don’t point out her faults and shortcomings but she doesn’t miss an opportunity to try and point out ours, even if she has to manufacture them.

I’ve been a step mom for a few years. I’ve been a bio mom even longer.

What I CAN say is that watching my husband’s ex in action and the things she does to her children to punish their father, has at least given me insight into what NOT to do.

I hope that one day BM sees that “best interest of the children” is NOT always what is HER best interest which seems to be what drives and serves her purposes.