Has too much damange been done?


#1

At this point, I am looking for any and all advice…so might as well post my story here and get some feedback too.

In short, I am married with 2 kids under the age of 7.
4 years ago, my wife had an emotional affair and with some therapy and some work, we stayed together.
3 weeks ago, she admitted to being in the middle of another emotional affair (coworker, not the same person from before)

I started seeing a therapist immediately. She just started seeing one last week. We also did a joint session yesterday.
Of course, I drew a line in the sand and said, either the affair stops, or I am out. In other words, I am not going to examine whats wrong with the marriage as long as you are still cheating. I also said that I was willing to hear her say that she didn’t want to stop cheating. In other words, I wanted HER to make a decision on what SHE really wanted to do.

She seems to have finally stepped up to the plate and made that decision. She is going to end the affair and is will to explore ways to repair the marriage.

So here is where my internal confusion really starts. After all of this, I don’t know if I want to remain married to her. I am willing to do therapy and all of that, but I am tormented by the fact that I don’t know if I have that kind of LOVE for her anymore. I got past the 1st affair. The second one has really hurt me.

Any advice out there? Should I just stay with the therapy and see if the love comes back? I don’t want me (or even her really) to still be in this marriage 5 years from now and not be getting the most out of it. Life is too short for that.


#2

First, I’m hoping that this post is not too late for you to do what you need to. It sounds like you need to make a decision based on what is right for you and your children. If they are both under age 7, it’s seems to be somewhat easier the less the children remember. Though it’s never easy…
The best thing I could tell you is this; if you can’t decide right away, make sure you are honest with her. Continue counseling but don’t make a decision based on anger, insecurity or wounded pride. Though this time around it was/is an emotional affair, it sounds as though you may have some trouble trusting your wife. Especially, since she didn’t make the decision right away…I mean, who knows when an emotional affair crosses over into physical and honestly, in my opinion, emotional betrayl hurts more. And an emotional affair is less defined as well so, it would be twice as difficult knowing this is a co-worker, someone who could possibly have constant contact. For me at least.

Secondly, how long you have been together makes a difference as well. I have noticed that once you begin to question if you want to continue, it’s normally a pretty good indicator that there is something there you can’t reconcile emotionally. The counseling may help that. I know several couples who have separated and reconciled into a very good marriage, but realistically, I know that things will never be as they were before. Sometimes that’s a good thing though depending on the previous relationship. I have found, however that it’s very difficult to remain focused on that relationship and to work on the issues involved if one party moves from the home. Sleep in the next room for a few weeks, but don’t leave until you have decided that you do want to end the marriage. Your children are more resilient than you may think but if you do decide to end the marriage, it will be very difficult on everyone for a while.

My husband’s ex just last year became a sane enough person for me to deal with and her husband and mine are almost “friends”. We’ve been together for around 7-8 years now, and his boys were 6-9 when we began seeing each other. Previous to that, I thought several times we would end up with a restraining order against her.

Last, be patient with yourself take your time deciding. I understand not wanting to be in the same place 5 years from now, but it does take time and you need to allow yourself that time.