Having dilema of whether or not to sue for AA & CC

Sorry for the long post but want to give background.

I have substantial proof of their affair stretching across the past 18 months. it started as texts/instant messages, grew to inappropriate pictures and sexting. I confronted her and she moved out October of last year. she said communication with him was over and knew it was wrong. We were married 18 years & have 3 children together so I want to make it work.

I contacted him in December & told him to no longer contact my wife because we were working on our marriage and i was trying to save my family & the reason we got separated was because of their inappropiate communication. he admitted to the communication and stated he was not willing to ruin his marriage and his girls…told me it was over. I told him “no more contact, or else”

Across the winter we were working on things & going to marriage counceling and she returned to our home in Feb of this year. I knew something wasnt right the end of April & found messages that they were still communicating & actualy had met in March to consumate the affair. He lives in another state and they met in CA while she was traveling for work.

I was devastated & had to accept I couldn’t stop this affair because her lying daily to cover it up. I started calling attorneys to pursue divorce.

I started gathering proof which was easy because his communication was constant daily (500 IM messages/week plus sexual pictures & the occational phone call, plus they referenced naked SKYPE) & saw they were meeting again the end of May. She had another work trip & lied to everyone where she was traveling to & met him in his home town. I hired a PI there & have pictures/video of them together. Met at liquor store, went to hotel for 4 hours, dinner for 3 hours & back to hotel for over an hour…he went home & returned the next morning to “deliver coffee in bed”

When she returned home things were very difficult for me to process & a week later things blew up when I saw messages referencing their sexual encounter on her phone. She attacked me knowing what I saw on her phone which resulted in Assault charges on both of us & a restraining order against me. Last week we had the assault charges dismissed against each other.

That same week in June she sued me for Divorce from Bed & Board, child support, and sole custody. I have since gotten my own place to live so I can have my children half the time. While our marriage wasn’t perfect (we have 3 teen-agers) her affair is the specific reason for our temporary separation and now Divorce proceeding. He is married & his wife still doesn’t know!!! My wife told me in June it was over after the blow-up & I confirmed they met again in a hotel in CA in August. He knows their relationship caused our issues but it still continues & has progressed. He has no plans of leaving his wife/family.

I can’t get past his involvement and constant sexting with my wife because it is the “distraction” (as she admits) that won’t allow her to think clearly. This situation has caused me extreme anxiety/depression because I have lost my wife & she has unplugged from being a caring loving person/wife/ Mother to our 3 children. It is so hard to accept & at times feel I don’t want to be divorced but she has already filed & continues the affair.

2 Questions: “Is an alienation of affection & criminal conversation suit worth pursuing with all this evidence and her admission of his constant communication and 3 different occations of being sexually intimate (2 times while we were living together, once after I was put out of my home). He & his wife both have good jobs of 10+ years, lives in a 300k house & drive decent newer cars.”

“How often are these suits settled & what assets are subject to being tapped?”

I understand these suits are very costly & I’m already not comfortable with the money being spent on attorneys for the divorce, I would much rather spend this small fortune on our children. Ultimately I need to bring this affair to light with his wife and want the consequences of his actions to cause him the pain I am living with. This guy is a Homewrecker & I need his family to know he ruined my marriage and my family, which is making my children suffer.

I know it’s alot of info but any insight, guidance, or advice is greatly appreciated!!!

I am NOT a lawyer, but have been thru pretty much the same situation as yours with my wife of 35+ years.
Sorry to read your story. My wife did the much same thing with her high school boyfriend who contacted her after 40 years. I caught her the first time when I saw an email. They had been talking every day, and emailing constantly for over a year. Planning on getting together in Minneapolis as he lives in Winnipeg. He bought a motorcycle so his wife would not ride with him.
Long story, but as far as I know they never got the chance to hook up. I called him and told him (he claims to be a “born again Christian”) to never contact my wife again or I’d tell his wife. He made great proclomations of never contacting her again. That last about 2 years til I found another email, and they were again planning to meet. I called him, and told him he had 3 hours to let his wife know, or I would tell her when I called her. She was devastated like me. It’s now been over a year (our daughter was getting married 3 months after I found them at it the 2nd time so I didn’t want to distract from her happy time) We have been to counseling and my wife says she wants to stay with me, but the counselor tells me she will do it again. More details I don’t need to bore you with, but I also considered an AA and CC suits but both would be extremelly expensive, he lives in Canada and doesn’t have 2 dimes to rub together. He’s a retired part time college professor and his sweet wife works in retail. WHile in your case, it sounds like you could win both AA and CC, make sure he has the assets that would make the suit worth the expenses and gamble on your part.
Your issue is not with your wife’s boyfriend, but really with your wife, which is what I was told about my wife, but I was so mad at this “Christian” damaging my marriage that I wanted to damage him. He is no longer deacon at his church, his wife is upset with him, and at least 2 of his 4 grown kids know what he was doing. All well and good, but I still ahve to decide what to do with my wife.
You have proof of adultry, therefore, you will likely not have to pay alimony, which is a HUGE deal, and one that has kept me from pursuing separation/divorce.
Time heals the pain, but the trust will never come back, good luck to you

I am not able to tell you whether or not this will be worth it financially for you to sue. It is clear from your facts that you would likely be successful in this case, however, what is the point if he is unable to pay the judgment? You could throw thousands of dollars down the drain, and then win, and still not collect anything. That’s why it’s so important to make sure that the other party has assets worth pursuing. I can tell you that AA & CC are two of the most expensive things you can litigate in family law.

So, say someone wins an AOA/CC judgment against another person. That other person owns nothing … literally. He has a job ($17/hr) that he JUST GOT a month ago, sold his paid for truck to his Dad and has another car now but is making payments on it so doesn’t really own it. Doesn’t own a house. Say he gets an AOA/CC judgment against him but cannot pay (won’t happen since he wasn’t the cause of the demise of the marriage but still). What happens at that point?? And also, can he countersue for submitting a “frivolous lawsuit”?

He can’t sue for a frivolous lawsuit (or any kind of harassment), especially since a judgment would’ve been entered against him. That wouldn’t happen unless the suit had merit. If a judgment is entered and he has no assets or income to pay it, then he is judgment-proof. He can contact an attorney or Legal Aid about filing exemptions (exemptions exempt a portion of your home, and certain other assets from lawsuits etc.), and by the time that’s done, there would be nothing for the prevailing party to collect on.

One more question … if someone has purchased a car (no money down and hasn’t even made the first payment on it), could this be something that someone suing for AOA could come after? This is the paramour’s only mode of transportation and the only thing that he “owns” (and truth be told, he doesn’t even own it … it’s the bank’s). How does something like that work?

Yes, this would be something that would be a part of the this person’s estate, however, if it’s his only car, he can file an exemption to protect it from a judgment. Also, if this is his only real asset, it would not be worth suing for since you could easily spend more on the litigation process than his one car is worth.

How do I find out if he has the assets that will make it worth filing AA & CC suit? …or if he is judgement proof?
What assest of his are protected (exempt) vs. I have access to?
Also, how often is a settlement offered to make it not go to trial?

If you have not already done so, I suggest you call his wife and make sure she knows what is going on. Offer to send her the PI report, text messages, etc. so she will understand how serious it is. No reason for your wife’s paramour to be carrying on with your wife without feeling the heat from his wife. Too bad his wife has to be hurt, but as long as this has been going on it’s time she knew about it, and makes him pay a serious price for his actions.

For the life of me, I don’t understand the mindset of all these people who think filing for AA or CC is a good idea. Just because you live in backwards state with idiotic laws still on the books, doesn’t mean you should sue for something so dumb.

Your gripe is with your SPOUSE…period. Nobody can force someone to cheat. The problem was with your spouse, not some suitor who came in and stole them out from under you. If your spouse cheated, your marriage sucked to begin with. It is nobody’s fault but the 2 people involved in the marriage.

Save your money and spend it on getting help to get over the marriage…accept your spouse for what she was – a cheater that you are likely much better off without.

These lawsuits are pretty nasty and probably a waste of your time, money and emotional sanity.

They can easily cost 30k to 100k+ to litigate. ALL of your personal laundry gets aired out to the public, including YOUR sexual history, etc. Enough legal documentation (inquiry, subpoenas,etc) to cut down a small rainforest, and a lot of trips to the courthouse taking away your time from work.

Proving the marriage was not a happy one is defense argument #1, and can easily cast doubt on a plaintiffs claim.

Assets by whomever you’re suing are easily protected… 401ks, houses, cars, anything really has some sort of exemption or protection that can be applied to it. You probably won’t even get enough back to pay your lawyer his or her first installment.

Additionally, they can often times be difficult to win even with slam dunk evidence. One reason being that adultery in the eyes of most judges and juries is not the horrific vile sin it used it be. Some judges consider these suits garbage that clogs up the system. It’s a fact of life and an all too familiar one.

Lastly, just because you win a judgment doesn’t mean you’ll get it. Actually getting them to give you the judgment can be a whole new battle in and of itself. Ask any landlord how easy it is to actually get paid the judgment they sued for from a deadbeat renter… I’m sure the collection rate is poor.

Unless the paramour is a self-made millionaire, litigating until you’re an emotional raisin is a waste. You’re better off paying a therapist and going on a nice vacation.

I cannot tell you whether or not you should sue for AA & CC. That is something you will have to decide for yourself. The biggest thing you will need to determine is if the risk is worth the reward. You need to know that this other person has substantial assets prior to your initiating litigation or you are just wasting your time and money pursuing this claim. It is the most expensive litigation that family lawyers engage in in NC, and it is relatively rare to have a trial on these claims because it is cost-prohibitive. If you do decide to move forward, you certainly should use an attorney because these cases are complicated.