How do you deal with a compulsive liar?


#1

I divorced about 6 years ago, we had 3 children. He lives in ca and me in nc. I am considering going to court regarding his visitation and child support. I am scared that in court he will lie and I will lose. He is a compulsive liar to the point I think he actually believes his lies are the truth, like some fantasy world! He wants the kids 3 weeks this summer but I worry about them staying with him. He just started fostering 2 troubled boys and wont say what they actually did and he lives in a two bedroom home and I have 2 girls the same age as the boys.
How do u fight someone who lies sooo good. He will lie about anything, he tells me that he works driving a bulldozer and his facebook says he is a Senior proctologist. He lies to the kids and says I write mean things to him on his facebook. He lies and says to the kids I cheated on him and I divorced him when he cheated and left. How can I prove this if we go to court? During our seperation he tried to take the kids with an emergency custody order claiming I had moved away and I hadn’t. He would have visions (like he had some power) and tell me of things that were in my house and he knew what was in my house cause he would break in. He even told me he could levitate. I am fighting a dirty, manipulitive man and I don’t know how to do it, I have always backed down to him because I am scared. Any suggesstions???


#2

First, quit being scared. He knows you are scared and uses it to his advantage.

Think a different way. Turn his lies around to your advantage.

Remember, people cannot remember their lies because they have no point of reference. He will not and cannot lie the same way twice in a row.

Don’t back down this time. Be willing to take it as far as you have to take it. My guess is that he will back down first.

Good luck.


#3

True he has not been able to remember what he says to me. Thanks for reminding me of that because I realize that half of the conversations we have had that were lies he denies and doesnt remember. I am gonna take this as far as I can because my kids do not deserve this!


#4

The best way to fight a liar is to document well - almost obsessively, because they can’t remember what they have said before and will always get caught up in their own lies.

It seems ridiculous that with working, trying to take care of kids and a home, that I have to spend time documenting stupid stuff, but unfortunately, it is necessary.

I’m dealing with a compulsive liar too. The best thing I ever did was stop all verbal communication with him. I bought the kids their own cell phones, so he can call them and they can call him. I blocked him from calling my cell and home phones. I only communicate with him via e-mail.

It is a lot easier to document the lies when they are in writing and personally, it helps me to keep my cool. I think more about what I am going to write vs. what comes out of my mouth when he makes me angry.

Another good thing about stopping verbal communications is it upsets him. The worst thing you can do to people like him is ignore them - they don’t get the attention they so desperately want.

Probably the best part of all of this, is by getting my kids their own phones, I can easily document when he calls (or doesn’t call) them. He is currently claiming I restrict his phone calls and will not allow telephone communication. I can easily download my cell phone bills and have instant proof. :slight_smile:


#5

Thank you, that helps a great deal. The kids do have their own cell phones and he knows that I wont answer mine so he calls theirs and asking to speak to me and usually thats the only time he calls them. I have starting contacting him by email and you are right it is so much easier so say “what date do you want to see the kids” and thats it! No fighting, no chance for him to lie about something I supposedly did and if his response is trying to start a fight (which he has already done) I just do not respond (which I have done). It is sad that it has to be this way, he knows nothing about the kids lives cause he can’t have an adult conversation with me to discuss it. Oh well his loss he is missing out on his kids growing up and one day he will regret that.


#6

I feel the same way. It is sad that my kids father cannot have a civil conversation with me and because of this, there is a lot in their lives that he is completely unaware of.

I used to feel it was my responsibility to keep trying to involve him. Everyone (including family counselor) told me to stop. I thought I was doing the right thing for my daughters. I now realize you just cannot make someone care or be a parent - so why waste my time. All I can do is be the best parent I can be.

My ex does the same thing - tries to start fights or says nasty things. I just ignore the e-mails. It is really easy and gratifying to “dump” these e-mails into a folder. I don’t delete (documentation), but I can sure ignore them. For the really good ones, I read them with a friend and we laugh and laugh. It helps me deal with the whole situation.

Anyway, best of luck.


#7

So true!

You cannot allow yourself to deal directly with him. You end up feeling like you have to defend your honor and integrity…meanwhile, he remains calm, cool, and collected. I know exactly how that is!

My ex is soooo good at story telling. What a shame he can’t put that talent to a better use!

The only way I can deal with it is to “document well”. After talking with him on the phone, I would jot down notes, date it, and place it in a file.

I finally stopped allowing myself to emotionally engage with him, and he stopped trying to confront me directly. He still tries to plant the seeds of doubt in minds of those who can impact me, such as lawyers and court officials. All I can do is point out the inconsistencies.


#8

My childs father has lied many times. It got to the point that I was telling the judge about his lies. Like “I can not find any work” self employed… yet had stated (I had it documented :wink: ) Well, I had to turn off my cell phone at noon the other day because I couldn’t get any sleep. And another documentation that I had was “I was bored, so I went to Wal-mart and walked around for a hour or two.”

Now his wife does all the communicating, via email. Because they actually learn a little each time you go back to court and use their lies against them. His wife tries to be fair…“tries” but most of her comments are that He never wanted anything to do with you, but wants a relationship with the child. (I ask you, is this even possible, when I have sole phyical and legal custody)? He has to learn to at least have a civil relationship, wouldn’t he? So his wife has started implying his accusations of that I am simply upset because he chose her over me.

Which isn’t the case by the way. But to be honest. The way I look at it. As long as it helps them sleep at night. They can believe anything they want to. Because in the Grand Scheme of things, what they think doesn’t really matter.

The truth is all that matters. I have been accused of not telling him about doctor visits purposely in order to keep him from being involved in her life. But the Court Order states that I have the sole authority to make those decisions, so they do not have to be told to him or his wife. My sole responsibility is to my child. He can call and ask, if he wants to know.

But being the fact that he is so scared of me, based on my records and being able to prove that he has lied. He doesn’t call at all. He doesn’t even call his own child. How sad! :cry: