Trying to prepare for divorce, need advice

-married 25 yrs
-we own 1.5 acres and a home I built in 94
-3 kids, 21, 18, and 16…all live at home
-im from another state, we built on the land she grew up on, surrounded by her family, including her mother and father.
-her company closed their offices and set up the employees with a home tw cable business line to work from home.
-the first few months were good, she was at home all the time, then she reunited with a couple high school girlfriends and started smoking pot regularly and going out every weekend.
-her work is 3rd shift from sun-thur. her sleeping hours were during 1st shift.

-I have slept on the couch for 10 years, we haven’t had relations for 10 years, she basically took over the master bedroom by setting up her office there.
-she keeps the room in an unhealthy state, dirty clothes everywhere, food on dirty dishes, and I noticed she was never home anymore during her sleep hours during the week, and virtually every weekend left on Friday morn and didn’t return til sun evening. I started gps tracking the van, legal because my name is on it too. found out she is going to a guys house every day, and every weekend, and they take trips in the van on weekends, she was even taking our cookware to his house to cook for him and then bringing the leftovers home to my kids! I figured out that it is a guy she works with, a subordinate as she is a supervisor.

financials to the best of my knowledge:
im self employed and bring in very little, 10k per year according to her prepping the tax returns
-she makes 75k plus bonuses
-she has 200k in ira
-land/ house worth 130k
-house is paid off
she racked up 12k owed on credit cards
-im sure we have life ins but don’t know where.

my questions:
-what can I expect to happen after filing?
-how can I get the court to help me pull 5k for legal fees in advance out of our assets?
-since she only comes home to work and basically lives the rest of the time with the other guy, can I get the court to order her to get the business line hooked up somewhere else and move her out since she has family she can go to live at and I have no where else to go?

  • can we forego the 1 year separation time and go straight to dividing things up since I have proof she is with him all week and not home?
    -what are my chances of getting alimony and how much would it be?
    -based on her behavior, would the court be more likely to give me custody of the 15 yr old and let me remain in the home?

any advice would go a long way towards removing a lot of my anxiety, and im sure we would both have some follow up questions.

thank you folks so much for providing this forum.


also, is there a way that she could move money from her retirement to hide it and keep me from getting my half?

If I were you, I would schedule a consultation with a family law attorney in your area to talk through everything and get some preliminary advice. To answer your questions:

1 - I’m not really sure what you mean when you ask what to expect after filing? What are you filing for?

2 - The court doesn’t help you pay your legal fees. What you can do is remove money from a joint account in order to retain legal counsel, although doing so will affect any equitable distribution award. Some people opt to put legal fees on a credit card or take a loan from a 401(k) to pay for representation.

3 - You’d have to be awarded the martial home in an action for equitable distribution. If she refuses to move out you can also file for interim distribution and ask the court to give you possession of the home until the final order is made.

4 - There are no circumstances in which you can forego the one year separation period. This begins once you begin living separate and apart with the intent to remain separated.

5 - An attorney who knows all the facts and circumstances of your particular case would be better suited to discuss a potential alimony award with you.

6 - Her affair would have no bearing on custody, but her drinking/smoking may. We have a lot of details about child custody in our article: Child Custody.