8yrold talks suicide?!

North Carolina Divorce Law Divorce and Separation Answers
1

Oh! That is terrible but actually very familiar. Have your daughters ever been to a funeral?

My youngest stepson has some similar emotional issues, even the part about being sensitive to “yelling”. He believes that the world is against him and that everytime anyone gets angry at him he should die. We’ve explained to him that being angry at someone does not mean that you don’t still love them, but I’m still not sure at times that he understands.
He used to have what I can only classify as anxiety attacks and it was always about one or the other of his parents dying. He was 6 when this started and he still has them occasionally at 10. He has never been to a funeral before so the “cemetary scene” your daughter describes would not be something he could associate with death. But I’m sure if he had witnessed that before he would have the same pictures in his head…
When these first started I spoke with my mom (stepmom) about it who told me that I went through a similar stage where I was almost obsessed with death but I had been to many funerals by the age of 10.

Your daughters may have anxiety over the new stepmother because she talks badly about you all. Maybe she’s made threats about you where the girls can hear…No stepparent should ever do that and if she truly cared for these children she would not do it regardless of how she really feels for you. She should be ashamed of herself for teaching your daughters to hate and to fear. The legal stuff should never be discussed in front of the children because they don’t understand. Though I had every reason, my stepson’s would never have understood if I had had their mother arrested for assault. It’s the only thing that kept me from getting a restraining order against her. They would have hated me.

I do not know about her hurting herself but it sounds like you had the right idea of getting her into counseling. Keep her going. Don’t be afraid of her being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. My oldest stepson is on two medications for his ADD and anxiety attacks by his choice. We would like to eventually see him off of them but with adolescence looming directly ahead, it’s probably not a good idea yet. Everything during that time is so much more emotional anyway…He has stomach aches frequently because he worries about everything. Having bad “nerves” IS a big deal.

Personally, I have had anxiety attacks before. It’s really difficult to explain, but most of the time mine consisted of thoughts about how fragile the human body actually is and all the ways that you could die. The very thought of death would make me panic, make it difficult to breath and swallow, but that is the one thought that I could not quit having. I would wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to sleep for days, out of fear. I would go days without leaving my house except to go to work. I finally got some medical attention and they have subsided to a manageable level but I found one thing that worked for me. If I realize my anxiety level going up, I can turn on the TV to cartoons or find something mindless to do or concentrate on. It helps to take the focus off. It also helps to just realize that it’s happening and close your eyes and concentrate on one thought or memory.

My suggestion to you is to keep her talking. Explain that you do not guarantee that you can help but you are there for her to talk to. You could set aside some time every week for you two to spend together. Set it up so that she understands that during that time you will not be her mother, but her friend. She can talk about anything to you and you will not judge her. Maybe go to a special place or sit in her bedroom so that she feels more comfortable. You will have to work on talking to her differently though. You will have to work on responding in a different way than you would as her mother.

Your ex and his new wife should be included via mail or e-mail on what is happening. If they can not be sensitive to what your children are going through then you should make sure your daughters know how to reach you when they are visiting. If you do get that phone call, do your best to calm them down and see if things can be handled. Keep records of everything that happens. Do not be shy about asking the ex, in writing of course, that he and his wife please stop all negative talking about you or the children in front of them. You don’t have to accuse them or even tell them what was said, just ask them to stop. Tell them that your daughters are having a difficult time adjusting and that the negative talk is not helping. You can even tell them that the counselor made this suggestion. Make sure it’s all in writing.

I hope things do calm down for you some with the ex’s new wife. For what your daughters are going through, maybe there will be some comfort for you in the fact that you are doing everything possible for them. Hang in there…

2

Keep on talking to this child. Let her know that you are there for her and her sister. Let them know that Jesus goes with them everywhere they go. It’s a tough time when a child is in the midst of the divorce…If the dad loved them like he is supposed to he would not allow the new wife to mentally abuse his childrn…no matter how much he loves his new wife. Your family will be in my prayers.

God is in control even when we feel out of control.If we put our trust in Him He will see us through these hard times.

3

Thank you Servant2Christ.

You are right. If he loved his kids, he wouldn’t let her abuse them, but he doesn’t love his kids. He loves money - in particular, her money.

Thank you for keeping us in your prayers. I have been praying every day that He watches over my girls and that they will come out of this okay. I know He is the only one who can bring us through this.

4

The background - I have been divorced for 6.5 years. I have 8-year-old twin girls. My ex has never been a part of their lives much - seeing them whenever he felt like it. He ramarries last year after a brief courtship. Four months into the marriage they purchase a house.

My second born comes home from the infrequent visits saying the new wife is mean and she does not want to go back. At first, I dismiss the claims because they are vague and I think she is just having a problem adjusting to new wife, new house, new interest being shown by daddy.

My ex still has inconsistent visitation, but starts asking for the girls (no set visitation) a little more often. Sometimes on dates that the girls or we already had plans - so he starts accusing me of keeping him from the girls. I state that if he wants to have a more consistent visitation schedule, I am sure we can make our plans around this, but no dice. He wants the girls when he wants the girls and continues to make last minute requests or cancel last minute.

Then the nasty e-mail from the new wife to me stating (basically) I am a malicious ■■■■■. Her husband is good man who has always been there for his daughters, pays his child support on time and I am just jealous of her - oh and by the way, the girls will call her mom when in her home. (My ex owes $11k in child support and $2500 in medical expenses, does not carry medical as ordered - you get the picture)

I have never had a conversation with the woman other than “Hi, how are you?”

This sort of stuff continues, daughters coming home upset, new wife is saying bad things about me, etc.

I start seeing a family therapist. The therapist, along with my attorney, tell me to stop visitation and tell him to go to court and get a set visitation schedule. I am reluctant to do that - still trying to be nice and work things out.

I meet with the ex back in March, over lunch, and try to talk things out. Thought it all went well, but as soon as he gets home to new wife - everything changes.

Skip some time, I lost a job and gained one in FL. Told the ex I was moving (I have custody and he doesn’t have set visitation, so nothing stopping me). I setup a meeting with minister as mediator to try and come to agreement on new long-distance visitation schedule. I asked that the new wife comes along so there are no mis-understanding later (learned my lesson the first time). New wife does all the talking for my ex and nothing gets agreed on.

A month later he files motion to stop the move, modify custody, modify visitation and child support.

I move - he files ex-parte. I turn around and come back two days later for hearing. Attorneys work out a temporary visitation order - less than what I offered him in the mediated meeting and a whole lot more expensive[:)]. Ex does get the girls for five days starting the day after court. My girls have never spent more than a single overnight with father and only approx. 12 times in the past 3 years.

I pick my girls up on the second day of their visit to take second born for scheduled appointment with allergist - father refused to take time off work and take her. For five hours straight all I hear is how mean the new wife is and she is bullying them. They want to come home. I hated taking them back to grandmas.

My second born wets the bed (first time ever in her life), then gets extremely sick - vomiting. Ex doesn’t know what to do with her and calls me. I take her to urgent care and they send me to emergency room. All tests come back negative and they give her medication to ease nausea. Fifteen minutes later, she’s drinking apple juice and by the time I get her home, she is asking for chicken noodle soup like nothing ever happened. The doctor in the emergency room suggested it was “nerves”.

Anyway, I ask a counselor to see my daughters. I know this whole thing has been hard for them. Their father and I have never had any real problems before. With the move on top of things, I thought they needed it.

(Another note here - we moved mid-August and I took the girls to their father labor day weekend for a visit. It was just a day and a half long. Right after we get back to FL, a complaint is filed with FL Child Protective Services and an investigator comes out - nice lady. It is, of course, unsubstantiated. Three weeks later, I have a sheriff’s officer calling to locate me in order to serve a criminal summons (he is looking for me in NC). The new wife has stated I am harassing her and am communicating threats. I haven’t even spoken to the woman.)

My first-born is pretty happy-go-lucky. My second is a bit of a difficult personality, but funny as she can be. My second has been having some anger issues for the past couple of years that have been getting worse. She actually took a kitchen knife to threaten the boys next door just before our move. Turns out the boys were threatening to hit her sister, but that is no excuse. She has a hard time controlling her emotions and she has become obsessed with something happening to me. She feels the need to be with me all the time.

The night before last, my daughter tells me the counselor asked her if she thinks of killing herself and she said yes. I was shocked and sat down to talk to her. I asked her if she really felt that way and she described a “thought” of me and her sister in a cemetary crying and she doesn’t want us to be sad. I realize she knows exactly what she is talking about. I asked why she is feeling this way and she says she has lots of things going on. She has all these stomach aches and the new wife makes her mad. She then goes on to say I make her mad sometimes too. I asked why and she says because I yell at her. With her, even a stern voice is considered yelling and she gets upset.

Anyway, I call the counselor to discuss. She says she did ask my second if she ever thought of hurting herself and my daughter took it to the next level. She also shared with her the same “thought” of the cemetary scene and she is certain my daughter knew what she was talking about. She said she was also concerned, but not to the point of hospitilization.

She goes on to say my daughter is extremely anxious - most of it centering around the new wife. My daugther is terrified that the new wife is going to show up and hurt me or hurt her or her and her sister. The counselor says my daughter told her she just wants to go home. She feels okay as long as she is with me. I asked if I should be worried about my daughter visiting her father and she said she really could not answer that. She could say that my daughter has told her of the new wife saying bad things about me and bad things about her and her sister. The counselor states my daugther really, really dislikes this woman and does not like how she treats her. She does not get the sense that there is anything physical going on.

The counselor does feel my daughter needs to see a psychiatrist and may be suffering from anxiety disorder.

Any comments, suggestions, experience would be appreciated.