I think you need to take a step back here and let her dad do more of the parenting and handle these issues of her lying.
This happened on Thursday. My husband is in retail and doesn’t get off work until 9:00 on Thursdays, then the kids go tho their momma’s on Friday right after school. When little girl lies to her daddy, he will call her out on it (when he sees it… which he doesn’t always do). We are on the same page about being vigilant to call out this behavior. Since the last post he has talked to her momma and this is a behavior little girl is exhibiting with her too. Over stupid stuff like whether or not she put a pencil in a drawer. Her momma calls her out too. I am unsure of what punishment is given. She is going to stay on little girl too. As far as letting my husband do the parenting, he is involved in everything they do. He does allow me to take the lead, mostly because I have more experience and he sees the way my son behaves. I don’t know that there is a happy median between being a stepmomma and a “real” momma. I do not treat his kids any different than I did my son at that age. That is one quality I respected in my stepmomma, and one I wish to one day have little girl and little boy respect me for. Although niether of his kids are my blood kin, I will love and bring them up just as I did my own boy. I understand what you’re saying about letting my husband do the parenting for them, but what kind of example would that set for my place as their stepmomma? I do not overshadow his place as their father. My husband will call out my son when need be. My stepfather was one of those “just there” parents. He placed all the responsibility / joys of parenting on my momma. I never accepted him as a parent nor did I love or respect him.
I understand wanting to be more active in parenting with your stepchildren than your stepparent was. I have found myself trying to be more active in my stepchildren’s daily routines as much as they will let me. The thing I have noticed is that they have gotten used to their father doing most things for them since their mother had such issues with me “being mom” for them.
My youngest stepson is 9 and still now learning that because of lying so much about little things for so long that none of us believe him about anything else. He’s slowly learning that it’s unecessary to lie about most things, but since he gets this behavior “honestly” from his mother, we know it’s a process that may never complete.
I can suggest you keep at her about telling the truth, be consistent with punishment and do not let her manipulate any of you into being less angry about her lying by crying or being “scared”. She needs to learn the results of her lying and the only way to do that is to be sincere in your reactions. Later in life, others will not be so forgiving. She will need to see that people will not trust her, nor will they confide in her and she needs to learn that now while she is still young enough to change it.
Make her write sentences. Have her write 50 times, “I will not lie about my homework”. Do not allow her to apologize until you can be certain that it’s sincere. The way that you will know that is that she will not lie anymore.
I can tell you that when I was growing up, one of the ONLY things I was given a spanking for was lying. I knew without a doubt that lying was about the only thing that I could do that would not be forgiven. I remember having to drink 8 large glasses of water to “flush” out my system because I told my father that I drank perfume, when he could clearly tell I had poured it in the toilet. He asked me between each glass of water if I was sure I had drank it…I was maybe 5 or 6 at this time. They never told me that they wouldn’t be angry about whatever it was I had done or not done, nor did they tell me I wouldn’t be punished. What they did tell me was that no matter what it was it was always twice as bad if I also lied about it.
My father told me once that if you had to sneak around or lie about something, you knew it was wrong and shouldn’t be doing it to start with. That’s a good rule to follow and I’ve used that for a lot of different situations over my lifetime.
Start with some small matter that you can possibly “test” her on to see if she’s learning. Do a small test every week at the beginning of her time at your home. If she lies, she’s punished. No negotiating, no getting out of it. This way if it’s not followed through at her mother’s, she is at least learning that this behavior is not acceptable at you house. If the situation comes up at the end of her time at your home, the punishment could be held over…
thank you stepmother. I didn’t even think of sentances. I have always had the “double trouble” policy with punishments involving lying. I will remain vigilant with stressing the importance of honesty.
Here is the senario: I am married to a man who has 50/50 custody of his two kids (girl 7 & boy almost 9). They live with us during the week. I have sole custody of my son (13) who also goes to his father’s most weekends. The issue I have is with “little girl”. She has developed a habit of lying. Last night her homework was to read for at least 10 minutes. She comes to me with her reading log and six chapter books (2nd grade level). She said she read all the books. I called her out. She backed up by saying she had read two. I called her out again. She said that she had read some of one book. I had her show me the pages. I read over the chapter and asked her about a significant item in the chapter. She didn’t know what I was talking about. I called her out on it again. She admitted to me that she was lying. She said she lied because she wanted to play. I took away her TV and playing privilages for the rest of the day. This incident is just the most recent example of her telling stories. Things like brushing her teeth, cleaning her room, etc… I can usually tell when she is telling stories. I have taken privilages away, both her father and I have talked to her about it. The thing is when she is called down, she immediately starts to cry and says you’re scaring her when you speak in a stern (not yelling) voice. She will also try to manipulate a situation so she doesn’t have to do minor things for herself. For example she’s “too little” to run her own bath, comb her hair, pour her own drink. Granted she is small for her age, but with the exception of the milk jug being full she is capable of tending to most of the types of things we expect of her, and we do go behind and make sure she is doing things correctly. Her full brother will usually do what she tells him to do because his personality is that he doesn’t ever tell anybody no. Her stepbrother has figured out that if he calls her our she will take care of what she is asking for, he gives her step by step instructions to show that she can actually do what she needs to do. The poor poor pitiful helpless doesn’t bother me as mucha as her lying. Her father is going to talk to her momma about the situation. I am unsure of the support we’ll be getting from that front because the momma favors little girl over little boy and caters to her. They are good kids, I love them dearly. With my son, I called him out on lying as soon as I caught him in one. I have always said to him that tell me the truth and I can deal with it, lie to me you get double punished. He (even at 13) will tell me the truth even on some things that are irrevelant. To the point of calling me at work to tell me he broke something as innocous as a glass. Little boy cannot lie. I do not think he even can comprehend deciet. He is all about not rocking the boat and trying to keep everybody happy. After the session last night with lie after lie after lie on the homework, I told little girl that if she lied to me again before cheerleading sign up, I wouldn’t sign her up at all. I am concerned that if we don’t get a handle on this now it will be a BIG problem later. When I was a kid my momma would wash my mouth out with soap as punishment. If I did that to little girl her momma would have a conniption fit. Her father sees the behavior but is unsure of how to handle it and lets me take the lead. Thing is whatever restrictions we put on her will not necessarily be enforced at the momma’s so what can we do to keep her truthful without alienating her because we hold her accountable?