quote:
[i]Originally posted by ComingClean[/i] [br]I called her attorney asking for fair time to see my attorney (I had to leave a message).
Did she ever return your call?
BTW, have you looked into seeking a harassment/restraining order against the STBX’s brother for stalking you onto your place of employment and cornering you with that letter?
Coming Clean
I received a certified letter in the mail from the exhusbands attorney. It stated that he wants a settlement of $100,000. within 10 days of the letter, or he will be filing it in the superior court of guilford county.
This is a form of leagalized black mail… do you pay him off to keep your privacy…or risk going to trial and having a bigger judgement placed upon you?
I just received the letter yesterday, and am in distress over the whole thing! I will be in the process for looking for attorneys in the G’boro area.
I myself am getting ready to sue for A of A and not all theses suits are bogus. My husband and I were married for 10 years and have 2 kids before this started. We had a great relationship and family and overnight he changed. He came to me and said I’m not sure I want this anymore. Later I found out he had a long conversation on phone with someone I considered a close personal friend and whose shoulder I cried on when things started changing a couple of days before he told me this. Then I found out according to phone records that the day after he told me this he started talking to her everyday for hours. We were still living together, sleeping together,both still wearing rings and telling each other we love each other even going on vacation as a family. I found a few months later that they were in fact having an affair and gave him the opportunity to walk away clean he said he didn’t want to and wanted to work things out with me. Now 2 years later it’s still going on. She knew good and well we were married and saw first hand what it was doing to me I was an emotinal wreck. Now it’s time to move on. It’s not about revenge its about there being consequences to your action and yes I hold them both responsible. Maybe if there were more consequnces to affairs it wouldn’t happen all the time.
Confused
Coming Clean
your email address did not work, it came back to me. Is there another?
[quote]Originally posted by ComingClean
[br]Craftyschild:
Yes we were and still are having marital relations it never stopped although I told him if he didn’t want me anymore just let me go, he never would(yes I’m weak). I told him on many occasions what would happen if things didn’t change but I am hoping this never sees the inside of a court room I’m not interested in money, revenge or child support not even half of what we have. The only thing I want is the ability to move with my children(where my family is) because other than him I have no family here and I go to work at 4am so if I stay here I can’t have my boys live with me. The A of A of course is well deserving because the other party watched me fall apart, let me cry on her shoulder(she was also married at the time although divorced now) and the damage it was doing to my children and obviously didn’t care. So as far as I’m concerned she deserves anything she gets but I would drop all of it just to walk away with my boys and start my life over in peace. Sorry just venting everything still hurts.
Confused
Oh yes and one more thing. A few of the mutual friends me and the other woman had will not even speak to me(i did meet them through her) I am not sure what they were told about why she and I didn’t speak anymore but It would be nice to prove I did nothing wrong other than stand up for my marriage.
Confused
quote:
[i]Originally posted by craftyschild[/i] [br]Oh yes and one more thing. A few of the mutual friends me and the other woman had will not even speak to me(i did meet them through her) I am not sure what they were told about why she and I didn't speak anymore but It would be nice to prove I did nothing wrong other than stand up for my marriage.Confused
Why bother trying to “prove” things to HER friends? You say you just want to move on. So do it.
Why bother trying to “prove” things to HER friends? You say you just want to move on. So do it.
[/quote]
Your right about proving things but our kids go to school together and I don’t want them to suffer for things said about me. And none of that will matter if a judge grants me the right to move away with them. And I do mant to move on but thats easier said than done when you share a 13 year history and 2 kids.
Confused
What is stopping you from moving?
quote:
Your right about proving things but our kids go to school together and I don't want them to suffer for things said about me.
People are always going to talk. You can’t control that or stop that, and filing a lawsuit will only crank up the gossip even more, and NOT in your favor.
If it’s the kids you are truly concerned about, then get a divorce, negotiate CS and alimony and just move away/move on. The (minimum) $60,000 it will cost to see a AoA lawsuit through would be better spent on your kid’s futures, don’t you think?
I moved out of my home lived with a friend for 3 weeks. Then I moved in with another woman. My x has threatened me with adultry and all that mess. She is already dating other people as well. In fact she lets my daughters spend the night with me at my girlfriend’s house. She is on Yahoo personals. She is dating one of my friend’s brothers. I would not think she would have a leg to stand on in court. I knew the woman from the gym we had no relationship prior to my moving out.
No matter how sweet she is or how good she looks, someone somewhere is tired of her **** and told her to leave.
quote:As far as quiting my job I work for the postal service if I were to quit my boys would lose all their health insurance. My lawyers appt. is Wednesday and hopefully I'll learn more about what I can do about moving.
[i]Originally posted by ComingClean[/i] [br]CraftyChild:If you are the innocent party, then don’t worry about any rumors. People who rumor are not your friends…and you’re better off without them. If you can move with your children, then do so. Even if it means you find another job with more convenient hours. This is where a lawyer helps you in what your rights are. Unfortunately, divorce is messy and someone always ends up ‘losing’ somewhere. BUT you have to think of your children…they are the most important thing. I would lose everything as long as I my kids with me.
To answer the other question about harassment:
I could never 100% prove that the guy was her brother. He LOOKED like him (according to a picture), but I have never met him. He hasn’t been back so I haven’t persued anything legal on him. I work in a public area, so he could come in anytime if he wanted to. BUT I haven’t seen him again.
Confused
quote:He is trying to stop me. And yes my boys are truly my concern and I would drop evertything to keep them with me, I am not interested in money, child support, alimony...My whole point was there are sometimes cases of AofA that are valid and reasonable.
[i]Originally posted by whitelinefever[/i] [br]What is stopping you from moving?
Confused
quote:I did when I first found out then it was supposed to be over with her, yeah i'm an idiot, but I definitely will. I actually caught them together today sitting in a restaurant together for everyone to see. Now that was smart
[i]Originally posted by ComingClean[/i] [br]CraftyschildJust a word of advice: If you are still sleeping with your husband, and he’s still sleeping with the other woman…for your own sake and health, I would stop sleeping with him and go to the doctor and get checked out for STDs. You can never be too safe.
Confused
quote:
[i]Originally posted by craftyschild[/i] [br]quote:He is trying to stop me. And yes my boys are truly my concern and I would drop evertything to keep them with me, I am not interested in money, child support, alimony...My whole point was there are sometimes cases of AofA that are valid and reasonable.
[i]Originally posted by whitelinefever[/i] [br]What is stopping you from moving?Confused
How is he “trying to stop” you? You’re an adult. You say you don’t need his money, which implies that you have enough of your own. So what’s the problem? Pack up your stuff, collect the kids and just move already! You have a federal job, the post office has job openings all over the country, getting a transfer is not a big deal, and you wouldn’t lose any benefits.
Sounds like you could move if you wanted to, but you’re too obsessed with punishing this woman for your hurt pride and vanity.
quote:I have to get custody of my children first and I already have my transfer papers in. You don't have a clue what your talking about. If it was that easy I would alreay be gone.
[i]Originally posted by whitelinefever[/i] [br]quote:
[i]Originally posted by craftyschild[/i] [br]quote:He is trying to stop me. And yes my boys are truly my concern and I would drop evertything to keep them with me, I am not interested in money, child support, alimony...My whole point was there are sometimes cases of AofA that are valid and reasonable.
[i]Originally posted by whitelinefever[/i] [br]What is stopping you from moving?Confused
How is he “trying to stop” you? You’re an adult. You say you don’t need his money, which implies that you have enough of your own. So what’s the problem? Pack up your stuff, collect the kids and just move already! You have a federal job, the post office has job openings all over the country, getting a transfer is not a big deal, and you wouldn’t lose any benefits.
Sounds like you could move if you wanted to, but you’re too obsessed with punishing this woman for your hurt pride and vanity.
Confused
Actually, whitelinefever has a point. If you take the children and move then the most that can happen is, your STBX files for custody in NC and you have to come back for the custody here. He can request that the courts no allow you to leave the state with the children. Another scenario is that you move and if he never files for custody, you file for Child Support whereever you move to once you have lived there long enough to be considered a resident. If custody is never court ordered and the children live with you, then that would be considered you having primary physical custody. There never has to be an agreement between you two. If no one has filed for custody in NC then there is no reason you can not move, as long as you are aware that he could have you return.
If you are truly not interested in money, revenge, child support, or 1/2 the marital assets then I would advise not to sue for Alienation of Affection. It’s possibl for you to get some money from the other woman, but what’s the point? You would actually be hindering your plans to move if you file a suit in NC. You would need to stay to see that through and that could take a while. Move where you want with the children and make a new life for yourself. If he puts in a claim for equitable distribution, child custody, then deal with it if/when that happens.
My suggestion on dealing with the STBX is that if he threatens you about taking the children, not letting you take what you want from the marital property, or gives you a hard time about any of it, let him know that you can speak to an attorney about his adultry and take her to court for alienation of affection. Sometimes it helps just to let the other party know that you hold a few good cards that you aren’t planning to play unless your hand is forced. Let him know that you want to get on with the rest of your life without him and that if he is trying to keep you from doing that then you will use whatever means necessary to make sure that he “pays”.
My suggestion to you…realize that you are better off without this person in your life. Spend this time taking care of your children and yourself. Keep in mind that just because you lost your husband to another woman does not mean that the children should lose their father. If he is willing to allow you to move without fighting you, please try to come up with a liberal visitation schedule, that you can both adhere to. Children need both parents and like it or not, he is their father. While you are dealing with your feelings of betrayal, anger, hurt, sadness, and humiliation, your children are going through similar feelings and they may not be old enough to understand. Focus on what you need to do to get yourself and your family through this time and what you need to do in the immediate future to survive.
Good Luck!
quote:Thanks for the advice however I was advised by an attorney not to just pick up and leave with them because he could get emergency custody temporarily and it would look bad when we went to court. And the sole reason for any suit other than custody is to try to get him to settle, no matter what I suggest he will not settle with me or just leave me alone. He thinks I'm bluffing and doesn't think I have it in me to bring any of it to court. So as far as the alienation of affection and anything else is concern I am going to file and hope he will want to protect her and him enough to settle because he's right I don't like to be mean but I will do whatever it takes to get custody of my children and I don't want full custody just the right to move away from here with them. Now visitation, I have offered half the summer, a week at Christmas, spring break, and every other weekend although that may be difficult for him due to the distance that is one reason I am not asking for CS. I have read alot of your posts and appreciate your advice. I will be seeing my attorney tomorrow and getting his advice as well. Thank You
[i]Originally posted by stepmother[/i] [br]Actually, whitelinefever has a point. If you take the children and move then the most that can happen is, your STBX files for custody in NC and you have to come back for the custody here. He can request that the courts no allow you to leave the state with the children. Another scenario is that you move and if he never files for custody, you file for Child Support whereever you move to once you have lived there long enough to be considered a resident. If custody is never court ordered and the children live with you, then that would be considered you having primary physical custody. There never has to be an agreement between you two. If no one has filed for custody in NC then there is no reason you can not move, as long as you are aware that he could have you return.If you are truly not interested in money, revenge, child support, or 1/2 the marital assets then I would advise not to sue for Alienation of Affection. It’s possibl for you to get some money from the other woman, but what’s the point? You would actually be hindering your plans to move if you file a suit in NC. You would need to stay to see that through and that could take a while. Move where you want with the children and make a new life for yourself. If he puts in a claim for equitable distribution, child custody, then deal with it if/when that happens.
My suggestion on dealing with the STBX is that if he threatens you about taking the children, not letting you take what you want from the marital property, or gives you a hard time about any of it, let him know that you can speak to an attorney about his adultry and take her to court for alienation of affection. Sometimes it helps just to let the other party know that you hold a few good cards that you aren’t planning to play unless your hand is forced. Let him know that you want to get on with the rest of your life without him and that if he is trying to keep you from doing that then you will use whatever means necessary to make sure that he “pays”.
My suggestion to you…realize that you are better off without this person in your life. Spend this time taking care of your children and yourself. Keep in mind that just because you lost your husband to another woman does not mean that the children should lose their father. If he is willing to allow you to move without fighting you, please try to come up with a liberal visitation schedule, that you can both adhere to. Children need both parents and like it or not, he is their father. While you are dealing with your feelings of betrayal, anger, hurt, sadness, and humiliation, your children are going through similar feelings and they may not be old enough to understand. Focus on what you need to do to get yourself and your family through this time and what you need to do in the immediate future to survive.
Good Luck!
Confused
quote:
[i]...the sole reason for any suit other than custody is to try to get him to settle...I am going to file and hope he will want to protect her and him enough to settle
So right there you are admitting that the ONLY reason for threatening/filing an AoA lawsuit is to leverage a settlement in your favour. You are trying to use the AoA option as a weapon.
Here’s a quote from the section on AoA on this very website:
“the laws do not fulfill their purpose of protecting marital relationships, inequitably punish only one of two guilty parties, and serve as an excuse for blackmail or forced settlements.”