Sorry I can’t give any real advice on this, but I do have a few comments. I really believe A of A cases are nothing more than a way for someone to have a financial gain for their own failures, and to pass the blame to someone else. If you look deeply enough, most marriages starting fallin apart before “the other person” comes into the picture. The fact that an attorney sends a letter demanding payment for damages, after only hearing one side of the story sounds extremely shady, at best. Either way you look at it, it’s legalized blackmail. You either pay upfront, or pay later AND have your name drug through the mud, in the process. The people that persue these types of actions need to take responsibility for their failures in the marriage instead of looking for another free ride. This is nothing more than another money making venture for the courts and attorneys.
quote:
[i]Originally posted by hawkman[/i] [br]Sorry I can't give any real advice on this, but I do have a few comments. I really believe A of A cases are nothing more than a way for someone to have a financial gain for their own failures, and to pass the blame to someone else. If you look deeply enough, most marriages starting fallin apart before "the other person" comes into the picture. The fact that an attorney sends a letter demanding payment for damages, after only hearing one side of the story sounds extremely shady, at best. Either way you look at it, it's legalized blackmail. You either pay upfront, or pay later AND have your name drug through the mud, in the process. The people that persue these types of actions need to take responsibility for their failures in the marriage instead of looking for another free ride. This is nothing more than another money making venture for the courts and attorneys.
Every one has a right to their opinion but I know my marriage was not falling apart we got along great.
to whitelinefever: I do want this to settle out of court and no I’m not interested in money. I have nothing left to lose but my children and I will do what it takes to secure their happiness so if settling is the only way to make that happen I will however I believe that when someone has a relationship with a married person especially when the married party is a so called friend there should be consequences. Theres not thats why it so acceptable to most people. And if your marriage is that bad get out BEFORE you have a relationship outside your marriage. Its funny how people make me out to be the one who is wrong that shows just how acceptable affairs are. BTW what makes you think I am vain?
Confused
quote:
I do want this to settle out of court and no I'm not interested in money. I have nothing left to lose but my children and I will do what it takes to secure their happiness so if settling is the only way to make that happen I will
How will launching a vindictive lawsuit against your STBX’s girlfriend secure your children’s happiness??
quote:
however I believe that when someone has a relationship with a married person especially when the married party is a so called friend there should be consequences. Theres not thats why it so acceptable to most people.
Please show me where anyone in this discussion said it’s acceptable to do so.
And once again, the reason that almost every state has abolished AoA is precisely because of people like you. People who use it as a weapon to get what they want by blackmailing other people. You already admitted that that’s why you are threatening the suit.
quote:
[i]Originally posted by ComingClean[/i] [br]This topic has really taken off! I have kept up with the string (since I started it) and I have to agree things on both sides: 1. I do not believe a HEALTHY marriage can be compromised by another person. If the marriage is healthy, then there would be no inkling, desire, thought or motivation to seek someone else outside the marriage. I fully believe that-period. 2. One person may THINK things were great, but the other person may not. If the person who cheats, does not want back in the marriage, then the marriage was not stable to begin with. 3. I believe MOST AofA lawsuits are legalized blackmail and tools of revenge (see #1 above). Making someone else pay for problems already existing in the marriage is ludicrous. Of course you hear of outlandish cases and ones that make you go "are you serious???". Heck I've read some on this forum that make my situation look insignificant. 4. Having a relationship with a married person that isn't your spouse is not "right". It happens everyday, but it doesn't make it right.I believe it when my lawyer says he won’t prosecute an AofA or CC case and I believe it when he says judges don’t like to see them. With our litigious society being as it is…we will never get away from someone suing someone for something. We’d have to hibernate in a bubble to avoid it (but then we might sue the bubble company for some material they use…preventing us our freedom…yadda yadda)
Very well put! My ex cheated on me for 10 out of 11 years. I knew about some of them, and I never made him choose. After a while I honestly wasn’t shocked anymore to find out. It turned out that he believed he truly loved each and every one of them including me so he wouldn’t have been able to choose if he had been forced. The only “problem” in our relationship was I wanted someone faithful to me as I was to him and he wanted me not to be mad at him for cheating. He wanted an open relationship but only open on his side. Other than that we didn’t have any problems in our relationship.
I would never have dreamed of blaming the other women…well, a couple I could blame that knew but he never even told most of them about me. I had an instance where he signed his check over to me one day and when I went to deposit it I was “interrogated” about who I was and how I knew him. Turns out he had been seeing one of the tellers and she had no clue I existed.
If he will not agree with you on any points then quit arguing with him about it. You are both entitled to 1/2 the marital assets and debts. Go for broke. File for primary physical custody, joint legal custody and child support. Plan to stay in NC until the year is up or all this is settled. In the mean time, if the children are living with you, you should be getting child support now.
As far as the other woman goes, keep in mind that everything comes back around…trust me on this. I’ve seen it happen several times in the last 2 years. I felt bad for the person it came back to but that’s the way things work. If you have seen this and believe this then you may think twice about suing for A of A. If you are not doing this for the right reasons then it will come back to you. Yes, your children are one of the best reasons, but the A of A suit doesn’t affect them and they (hopefully) will never know about it. Think about this, if they know that you are suing daddy’s girlfriend because she “stole” daddy away, then what happens down the road if he decides to marry her? What will they think if daddy tells them a different story? You don’t know for sure what he was telling her during all this and prior to you separating. If she betrayed your friendship then believe me, it will come back to her. If he betrayed your relationship then it will come back to him.
Just some things to think about…
To all who are jumping on craftyschild, I’m her mother and I know what this has done to her. The reason she can’t just pick up and move with her kids is called the Parental Kidnapping Prevention Act. it’s a federal law that requires all states to cooperate to keep parents from taking their children and going to another state and the only thing you can do to touch them is kidnap them back. So you can be charged with kidnapping. Unless he signs an agreement she can’t do that or she could lose them for good. She gave him the opportunity and even offered to drive halfway back every two weeks so he could have his visitation, but he wouldn’t do it. She wanted him to move with them. He said he would never move away. She wanted him to go to counseling with her and try to save their marriage as long as he would never see or talk to her again. He wouldn’t do that either. But yet he wants her to stay in the state to make it convenient for him to see his kids. A for the A of A, it can be used and abused, but it holds forth that you are accountable for your actions. In this case, it isn’t about the money, but a conviction would give her what she needs to be able to take her children and go. They had the chance to avoid this with an agreement, but since that didn’t work, she’s willing to do what ever it takes to keep her children with her. Wouldn’t You? So give her a break. When she married to her it was for life. It has torn her apart to lose what she loves so much. She doesn’t need accusations of money grubbing added to it. I know she would give anything to have back what she had 2 years ago.
Jane Odum
My ex wife cheated on me for years, and I knew it was going on. I could have nailed her to the wall with this A of A crap, but I took the higher road. Getting her out of my life was it’s own reward and seeing the veins pop out of her forhead when she sees my fiancee’ is worth more than any award I would have got from a lawsuit.
quote:
[i]Originally posted by craftymama51[/i] [br]A for the A of A...a conviction would give her what she needs to be able to take her children and go.
Well, first of all, there is no such thing as a “conviction” in a civil case. There are only judgements for one side or the other. Is your daughter fantasizing about the other woman wearing prison stripes and getting “convicted” or some silly thing? If so, she needs to get with reality here. An AoA lawsuit will cost her at LEAST $60,000 to pursue, probably take years to resolve and your daughter will have every aspect of her own private marital life and behavior dragged into the public spotlight. And if, in the meantime, the ex and the other woman marry, the whole thing will be a nightmare for the kids. And all this because craftschild wants revenge for the humiliation of a failed marriage?
And second, an AoA suit has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH child support or custody issues. They are completely unrelated. Winning or losing an unrelated lawsuit will have no bearing whatsoever on custody decisions.
quote:What I mean by acceptable is everyone wants to judge the injured party in things like this. It's all about how it's wrong to sue the girlfriend. And I am not humilated it's not my fault my marriage failed. Ir's about there being consequences to your actions theres not thats why people do it everyday. No i don't dream of her in shackles but it would be justice because she has said she has done nothing wrong and wants to know why I won't let her raise my kids with hers becasuse she would be "good" to them. Breaking up their family is in no way good when this started hers was the shoulder I cried on all the while ger telling me things would be ok knowing what she was doing. Yeah I should just step back and hand my children over to someone like that. As far as the shape of my marriage before hand I know it was good, he admits it was good, he admits he's making a mistake and he knows whats happening and he doesn't want to let me go but poor him he's so confused. It doesn't matter what my husband told his girlfriend she knew we were together and she was married herself at the beginning she heard from both sides. And for your information I am have decided to hold off on the AOA not because of anything said here but because of who I am and I do agree with stepmother what goes around comes around.
[i]Originally posted by whitelinefever[/i] [br]quote:
I do want this to settle out of court and no I'm not interested in money. I have nothing left to lose but my children and I will do what it takes to secure their happiness so if settling is the only way to make that happen I willHow will launching a vindictive lawsuit against your STBX’s girlfriend secure your children’s happiness??
quote:
however I believe that when someone has a relationship with a married person especially when the married party is a so called friend there should be consequences. Theres not thats why it so acceptable to most people.Please show me where anyone in this discussion said it’s acceptable to do so.
And once again, the reason that almost every state has abolished AoA is precisely because of people like you. People who use it as a weapon to get what they want by blackmailing other people. You already admitted that that’s why you are threatening the suit.
Confused
quote:
What I mean by acceptable is everyone wants to judge the injured party in things like this. It's all about how it's wrong to sue the girlfriend.
No one is “judging” you, people are just telling you that using the AoA option to BLACKMAIL your STBX and leverage a better deal for yourself is wrong.
quote:
No i don't dream of her in shackles but it would be justice
And once again, there isn
quote:
[i]Originally posted by whitelinefever[/i] [br]quote:
What I mean by acceptable is everyone wants to judge the injured party in things like this. It's all about how it's wrong to sue the girlfriend.No one is “judging” you, people are just telling you that using the AoA option to BLACKMAIL your STBX and leverage a better deal for yourself is wrong.
quote:
No i don't dream of her in shackles but it would be justiceAnd once again, there isn
quote:
[i] I said I don't dream of her in shackles I know what the lawsuit entails.
Why did you use the term “conviction”, then?
She didn’t use the term conviction, I did. And it wasn’t meant in that context as in jail. A judgement proves responsibility, and that’s as good as a conviction. The nitpicking over words here is amazing. I would think this was a place for women and men to support each other, but it looks like just another way for women to do what they do best, be catty and superior. I’m out.
Jane Odum
quote:
[i]Originally posted by whitelinefever[/i] [Well, their father has just as much right to raise them as you do. Most likely, you
Bottom line: Using the threat of an AoA lawsuit to leverage and manipulate the separation agreement process is an abuse of the legal system.
The Rosen firm is working to get AoA abolished in NC. No doubt they’ll be including copies of posts like Craftyschild’s to show exactly how widespread the abuse really is.
If anyone can answer I would appreciate it. My story is a little different in that my wife of 18 years started going over to our next door neighbors house every evening and drinking, sometimes very heavily. Our neighbors have been married for a while and would always have a friend of theirs over also at the same time. I confronted her when she came home one morning at 4:00 AM and she sasid they were all just sitting around talking. I let it go at that time and soon he was coming over to my home and fixing little things and just coming to talk. Well about six months ago I got the hunch there was more to the story so I had a friend of mine follow my wife after work. She went to a church/graveyard to meet this other person. My friend called me and I sped to the location and on the way called my wife to see where she was. She said she was on her way home and told me an exact location where she was. As I was pulling into the church I told her she was lying and that I was right beside her. She had nothing to say. He had already left at that time and I followed him and got him to pull off the side of the road. Needless to say I was rather mad so after the initial confrontation(nothing physical) he told me that they had been meeting for about three weeks but it was nothing sexual. My wife then pulled up and I left the area to go back home to my two kids who were with their Grandfather. When she got home we talked and she said she thought our marriage was over to which I said do you think. After a few weeks(she never left nor did I) she came to me and stated she wanted to make our marriage work. I took the offer and everything went very well until December. I took a look at her cell phone records in February and she had called him 40 times in January and they had met (by coincidence) in Wal-Mart a few times. She is now wanting to leave the marriage again and I am completely fed up with what she has put my children and myself through. Friends of ours are even asking what is going on because they saw her at the store walking around with some guy. What can I do about this. I am not wealthy but am willing to find money. Thank you for your reponse.
quote:Bottom line is I decided to hold off on the AoA because of who I am and what I believe. You could hand me a million dollars and it won't make the pain go away however there should still be real legal consequences to peoples actions in situations such as these.
[i]Originally posted by whitelinefever[/i] [br]Bottom line: Using the threat of an AoA lawsuit to leverage and manipulate the separation agreement process is an abuse of the legal system.The Rosen firm is working to get AoA abolished in NC. No doubt they’ll be including copies of posts like Craftyschild’s to show exactly how widespread the abuse really is.
Confused
Time will heal the hurt.
You are doing the right thing in the long run.
quote:
[i]Originally posted by needinganswers[/i] [br]Hmmm...I can reply to an existing topic, but not post a new one due to anti-spam question. I'm happy not to see the spam-so I'll piggy back on this topic since it seems so hot.
I’m in the process of separating, but still living at home under the advice of counsel and because the STBX won’t sign an agreement. My attorney advises me not to leave without one.
I get a call from the STBX telling me she thinks it’s best I don’t stay at home this weekend due the the deteriorating environment. However, she wants to know exactly where I’ll be and what I’ll be doing.
#1: If I decide to stay away, Do I have to tell her my plans or where I’ll be?
#2: Should I just go home anyway?
If you are only staying in the home because she will not sign an agreement, then if I were you I would be there EVERY night. If she does not want you to stay in the home and the situation gets bad enough then she will sign a separation agreement and you can leave.
Also, I do not believe that you have to tell her where you are or what you are doing if you are not at the home. This is just me but, I would be curious as to why she did not want you at home this weekend but yet wanted to know exactly where you were…almost as though she had plans she did not want you to interfere with but also did not want you to know about.
In this situation, I would be at the marital home every night and as long as there are no children in the middle, I would not acknowledge her at all. I would not hide in another room or a basement, but I’d be right there. If things get uncomfortable enough, she may reconsider signing a separation agreement so you could leave without fear of her claiming abandonment.
Please do not do this if there are children involved though.
quote:I have saw my attorney and he thinks I have good solid reasons for wanting to move so hopefully that won't be a problem. My husband should be served with papers this week and once we find out whether we can come to an agreement or not we will determine our next step. He also thinks I have plenty enough evidence and ground for AoA but I have still decided to hold off on that. As far as my relationship with my husband I have finally decided we have nothing left worth fighting for the man I used to know is gone. He goes on with his life like nothing has happened, comes home every night and we talk like things are normal. He loves me he loves me not. It's just too weird and I'm still an emotional wreck but pulling through. I got a job offer from GA and hopefully will know all the details next week.Getting that letter was the first "right" feeling I've had in 2 years. Wish me luck and thanks!
[i]Originally posted by zturbo[/i] [br]Craftyschild-What the latest on whats been going on the last few days. Have you seen an attorney? If so how are you feeling about things since you saw him/her. I started off with a dingbat attorney and finally switched to someone who new the laws up & down.I am now getting what I paid for. Expensive but it will save me in the long run.Good luck and keep us updated.
Confused