Disclosure of living arrangements


#1

It sounds to me as though this is controlling behavior. He has no business keeping tabs on you for any reason. If you share joint custody then the only part of your life that is his business is the children and anything about them. My husband didn’t know where his ex lived for 3 months at one point and they shared joint custody with equal time.
It’s none of his business where you live, who you live with or how you live your life as long as it doesn’t involve or negatively affect the children. Especially after the divorce is final. If he wants to know the address, ask him if he’s planning to send you flowers…if he demands to know where you work, ask him if he’s planning to try to get you a promotion. Not saying there’s any reason to hide this stuff from him, but at some point you have to put your foot down and begin to live your own life.


#2

That is what I thought, but I am tryin to make sound and correct decisions. I doubled checked our paperwork last night it states we must keep each other informed of the children’s well-being. I don’t think my new home and/or roommate would be covered there - but perception is what it is and has alot of play.

Now it appears that he may have access to my email acct and MySpace. He called my grandmother today and discussed in decent details the plans of my move and where my roommate works. This is all information I had shared with a friend, that is overseas, today in a message I sent her. She doesn’t know my soon-to-be-ex. I changed the passwords to everything. I’m a bit skeeved out/nervous. I’m sure this is not for a FPO, but I wish it was.


#3

What’s an FPO? [?]

He sounds like a jealous and controlling person.


#4

[quote]Originally posted by comingclean2
[br]What’s an FPO? [?]

FPO= Family Protective Order. There have been issues with him texting/calling me after I tell him to stop and also using email to harass me. I checked the cyberstalking law and it could fall under there, but I was/am scared it will make him worse.

At this point I am tired of it. I am still waiting to hear back if they can give me all the IP addresses that logged into my MySpace account yesterday. If they can and I can prove it is his IP address, then I will find out about getting some form of a protective order.


#5

If your paperwork says that you must keep each other informed of the children’s wellbeing then I suggest that you impose any regulations that he has. If you are not allowed to call, he is not allowed to call. Joint custody means that everything is equal.

Get a recorder for your phone so that you can record this coversation. Write it all out before you make this call so that there’s no stumbling over words. Then contact him. Tell him that you have something to say and please do not speak until you are finished. Tell him that he is to stop contacting your family members. Tell him that he is to stop contacting your friends, your work, or your roommate or your roommate’s work. Tell him that if he wants to know something he will need to ask you. It will then be up to you to decide if it’s his business to know. Tell him that the games stop now or you will be forced to take legal action against him. Tell him that you know he’s been in your e-mail and MySpace and that the information has been changed.

You have got to put your foot down. Yes getting a restraining order or no contact order is going to make the situation worse. I have a friend who is a police officer that has told me this. It’s better to let the person know up front that this is an option and give them that choice of stopping the behavior. He is not entitled to know ANYTHING about your life other than that you are taking care of the children. Make the “exchanges” at the police station if necessary. His days of keeping tabs on you is over. Let your family know as well. Ask them to please not speak to him. Ask them to please let you know if he does contact them. Keep documentation of every interaction with him. Schedule a day that he can contact the children while they are in your care and if it is not that day…do not answer the phone for him (assuming you have caller ID). Make it so that he will have to work for this information that he’s so determined to know…

You have to put your foot down now or this behavior will continue. Let his life be consumed by this if that’s what he needs to do, but you should make it as difficult as possible. If you do happen to speak to him, be polite but firm in not answering questions that you do not feel comfortable answering. Remember that you are no longer his wife. Document everything. I can not stress that enough. Keep receipts, get a disposable camera and take pictures if you see him near your home or work. Inform your boss of what is going on so that he can be barred from entering your work. May want to have your roommate do this also…

If possible, do not let your children know this stuff. They do not need to be put in the middle. The longer you let him use the children as an excuse to intrude on your life the harder it will be for you to get him out of it later…to some extent he will always be part of your life, but there are some things that are just none of his business anymore.
Good Luck


#6

Unless there is a concern for your safety or the safety of your children then you should tell him where you live. It could reflect negatively on you in the future if you do not share this information.

P.S. Please feel free to bring up this or any other topic on our live call-in show every Wednesday at 11:00 a.m. EST. Visit radio.rosen.com/live for details

Helena M. Nevicosi
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm

4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.787.6361 main fax

Charlotte Office
301 McCullough Drive
Suite 510
Charlotte, NC 28262
Main Phone: (704)307.4600
Main Fax: (704) 9343.0044

Durham & Chapel Hill Office
1829 East Franklin Street
Building 600
Chapel Hill, NC 27514
(919) 321.0780

ROSEN.COM

The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service only, a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action. The information posted on this forum is available for public viewing and is not intended to create an attorney client relationship with any individual. These answers are provided for informational purposes only, a person should consult with their own individual legal counsel before taking any action that could affect their legal rights or obligations.


#7

I understand that I must provide the address and phone number of where our child lives and may be contacted.

I will do so in writing, certified mail/return receipt, when I have moved. I will also include the information of his new daycare (name of daycare, address, website, and weekly cost.) I also understand about keeping him abreast our son’s health and physical/mental well-being. No problem.

But what else am I required to disclose about my life after that?


#8

I would keep him updated about big events such as marriage, divorce and the birth of another child, general details about your life are not necessary.

P.S. Please feel free to bring up this or any other topic on our live call-in show every Wednesday at 11:00 a.m. EST. Visit radio.rosen.com/live for details

Helena M. Nevicosi
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm

4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.787.6361 main fax

Charlotte Office
301 McCullough Drive
Suite 510
Charlotte, NC 28262
Main Phone: (704)307.4600
Main Fax: (704) 9343.0044

Durham & Chapel Hill Office
1829 East Franklin Street
Building 600
Chapel Hill, NC 27514
(919) 321.0780

ROSEN.COM

The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service only, a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action. The information posted on this forum is available for public viewing and is not intended to create an attorney client relationship with any individual. These answers are provided for informational purposes only, a person should consult with their own individual legal counsel before taking any action that could affect their legal rights or obligations.


#9

Please keep in mind my divorce paperwork was filed on 30 July 2008. I am waiting for service right now. I received a text message from him today requesting the information of my current move. My move is not totally complete but mostly. I intended to mail him a certified letter with the address to him, but he did not give me his address out of state and I thought he was attending a military school - so I was using that address, but he revealed to me last week that he is in this other state but he has not signed into the school yet and will not receive mail from them because of that (He has lived inanother state since June 08.)

I emailed him the address and told him as soon as I started my new job I’d change daycares, but I was still shopping for one. I told him I’d let him know the daycare information as soon as I chose one. He replied with the following in an email:

"Ok, thanks. If ***** is living with another man I need to know his name. Social Security number would also be helpful. My intent is to do a background check of my own, which is well within my rights. I wish you the best, and I am sincere about that. My concern is solely for my son’s living arrangements, and who he is living with. We are talking about another man with my son, and I would like to make sure all precautions are followed.

This is information I can collect myself, but there is no reason you can’t make my efforts easier by being upfront and honest with this request."

I previously had a roommate and her fiance living with me and he NEVER made this request during the 9 months they shared my house with me. He only knew their first names. I do know that he has someone living in his house here in North Carolina that is living in it while he is at school in another state (he will be gone approx. 8-12 months.) I have no idea of gender or name of that person, nor have I asked him or anyone else. He has discussed this person and has vaguely discussed them and their child and the time they have spent with our son during his visitation with my grandmother. He has though always managed to be vegue enough to never disclose the gender or name of this person. I have and I will continue to respect the privacy of his “new life” and not ask him. Our divorce has been filed and I feel that we are both entitled to starting to live our new lives.

He has never asked for this type of information in the past, am I required to give him it to him now?

Thank you.


#10

No you do not have to provide this information. If he is so unsure of a person that you have chosen to have your child around then maybe he shouldn’t have agreed to give you primary physical custody. Yes, it may be within his rights to do a background check on anyone that he wishes…it is also within your rights to refuse to give him any information, especially someone else’s SSN. Give him only as much information as you are comfortable with. Let him know that you are glad he’s so concerned with your child’s living arrangements and that you hope he will be as understanding when you question him but that this is not something that is necessary for him to know. If he believes that he can get this information, let him get it himself. Also, you may want to point out that this does not look like he’s solely concerned for your son. Otherwise, he would realize that you are the child’s mother and would never knowingly put him in danger. You are taking care of your child and that should be the extent of your ex’s concern. It’s not that you are not being upfront and honest about this request it is that it’s none of his business. If there is to be full disclosure then it needs to go both ways. If he’s willing to provide you with the full information of who he is living with and who he has your son around then you will see that he is making an effort to be as upfront and honest as he wishes to be.

If you think this is too much of a response, simply tell him that legally you do not have to provide this information. Give him a first name and if he wants more informatin he will have to get it some other way besides from you.


#11

I am giving myself a few days to digest this and to calm my nerves/emotions down before I even attempt a response. He is a very controlling person that has dealt out alot of emotional and verbal abuse.

I know and understand that if I give him an inch he will take a mile. He is being extremely intrusive. We are filing the email at the County Courthouse just in case any additional behavior comes from this.

That aside, I do not want to give him any name or there is no way I’d ever give him a SSN. I will give what I am required to, but no more.

I am not worried in the least of the results of any background check, there is not reason to worry about anything. My issue is his attempt at control of my life away from him in the name of his son’s well-being.

I am trying to put my foot down as you have mentioned in the past on these forums to me, but I have done it as silently as possible so as to not leave my own words to use against me or to instigate any other situations (he also has a VERY bad temper.)

Thank you, again.


#12

Generally it is within bounds for him to ask the names of people who will spend considerable time with your children. You do not need to turn over his social security number or other information. However, if you haven’t done a background check on your roommate you should do it and make sure you are not doing something that could affect the custodial schedule.

P.S. Please feel free to bring up this or any other topic on our live call-in show every Wednesday at 11:00 a.m. EST. Visit radio.rosen.com/live for details

Helena M. Nevicosi
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm

4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.787.6361 main fax

Charlotte Office
301 McCullough Drive
Suite 510
Charlotte, NC 28262
Main Phone: (704)307.4600
Main Fax: (704) 9343.0044

Durham & Chapel Hill Office
1829 East Franklin Street
Building 600
Chapel Hill, NC 27514
(919) 321.0780

ROSEN.COM

The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service only, a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action. The information posted on this forum is available for public viewing and is not intended to create an attorney client relationship with any individual. These answers are provided for informational purposes only, a person should consult with their own individual legal counsel before taking any action that could affect their legal rights or obligations.


#13

Now, I have had a couple live with me for the last 9 months. He has seen the female roommate (but never her fiance.) He did not know know them nor did he EVER ask for their names and ssn’s to do a background check.

I understand now giving him the name is okay - I have been told in the past I am not required to give him names of peopl I am dating, roommates, the place I work. But I was told I have to provide my address and phonr number - as well as updates on our son’s well-being, which I have.

I have sent him my street address with the city and state 3 times now - he is throwing a fit because I MUST send him the zip code. I was told that I provided my full address he is just being difficlt, it this true?

He has also called my family and told them he has already driven by my home and hired a PI to get information about me. There is an entire county between us, he had to drive over an hour to drive by my home - when even our visitation is set-up so he will not have
to come to my home and I have asked to to not just stop by as he pleases (he has told me I am not allowed at his home or to even call while our son is visiting him for extended periods of time.)

I am very frustrated and there has to be a line in the sand here where he is just being too much and someone can step in and tell him to stop.


#14

As I understand this, he should not have a difficult time finding a zip code if you have given him a city and state address. The zip code should be the least of it. Does he send a lot of mail or gifts to your son? It sounds like he’s pitching a fit just to pitch a fit and make things difficult.

If you believe that you are being followed, please contact the local police. Ask them what a private detective is allowed to do if one has been hired and what your rights are if you find that you are being followed.
You can instruct your family to please no longer take his phone calls. I think he’s doing this because he knows that they are going to tell you and it will “aggrivate” the situation.

The best advice I can give you, and to any other parent/stepparent out there is to live as though you are being watched. If you have custody, share custody or just have visitations, your life is no longer your own. The ex will be constantly watching to see if you screw up. Making mistakes are no big deal, no one expects you to be perfect. But make sure you are aware before putting yourself into a situation that could affect your child/children or the custody situation you are in. I’m not saying that you should constantly be looking over your shoulder or walking on eggshells, but you should be conscience of the situation and decisions you make when your children are around.

Let him drive by…let him waste his time and energy, not to mention fuel, to check up on you. While it sounds as though he’s actually doing as little as possible…(this information would not be difficult to get if he were actually trying)…what little he is doing is petty. As long as he does not come to your home unannouced or uninvited he is within his rights as a free american to drive on any public street that he wishes…
You should understand that the “line in the sand” does not exist if YOU do not put it there. You and he share a child together. There are parts of your life that are no longer his concern or business. If he wants to hire a PI to find out the zip code or do a background check on the person you are living with and you do not feel there’s any need to worry then let him.
Licensed NC PI’s have regulations that they must follow. They would not be allowed to give out your roommates SSN even if they needed it to do a background check.
If the background check comes back to him, with anything of concern, then he has the legal and ethical obligation to share that information with you since you are have primary physical custody and this would concern the daily care of your child.
That being said, as Helena suggested and depending on how well you know this person, you should consider having your roommate consent to run a background check for you. If you do end up in court, then this consented background check could potentially diffuse a situation…


#15

I went to the courthouse and received a temp po yesterday because of his current behavior/ past violent tendancies/ the fear factor they both cause. I go to court tomorrow to see if I will be able maintain the po for a year.

I’ve known my roommate for a bit and he is a County Deputy.

I have not given his name to my stbx because I know him well enough to know he wants to cause issues at his job. Even if they think my stbx is a nut and know nothing wrong is going on I do not want issues for my roommate at work.

I have answered questions he did pose to my grandmother about my roommate: that he is not a sex offender, does not have a criminal reocrd and is not pending criminal charges and that he is a county deputy (and gave him the name of the county he works.

He is required a background and criminal check before he is even allowed to be hired for the job. I know him well enough (he was a military police office in the Army for 20 years as well) that I am confident in my trust of him.

Yes, my stbx is being difficult… it all is stemming from the fact that I filed for final absolute divorce and that the child custody/child support/equittable distribution is complete. It is the end and he doesn’t want to accept it and my roommate is a man- so jealousy/control issues, one of his recent threats is to stop the divorce proceedings until I give him all the information he requires… and again in the same email demanding the info he stated that he will get it on his own but he preferred me to provide him with the name and ssn if a man is living in my house.

That is where it is now… I just want to breath a bit easier. I know I am not doing anything wrong to endanger my children. I am providing them a stable and loving environment to learn, live and grow in.


#16

This Friday I go to sign my final divorce paperwork, it will be filed the following Monday and it is anticipated that the divorce will be final in 2-3 weeks.

Everything else is done. We were granted joint custody with me as the primary custodian. My divorce is finalizing right before my current lease expires. I plan on roommating in a 3 bedroom house with a friend (their room, my room, my two son’s bedroom) in another county for the following reasons:

  1. Better schools.
  2. I am getting a better job in the area.
  3. By having a roommate/sharing a house it helps me get back on my feet when dealing with finances; less stress over money; allows me to give/do more with the kids; and it allows usto live in a nicer house.

My ex knows I plan on moving and demands to know the address of my new home (I understand that and was never going to hide that from him), the name, and the gender of my roommate.

I am not making decisions that endanger or will hurt the boys. I never limit his visitation or phone calls. It is in our custody paperwork that drop off and pick up for visitation will not be done at either of our homes and he has even forbidden me from calling the boys when they are at the house for extended periods (If they are gone for more than a weekend I will call every 4 days.)

What am I required to disclose or not disclose to him? When is it concern for his son or crossing the line to controlling behavior? He has exhibited behavior like this throughout the entire divorce. Everything from demanding to know exactley where I work (I worked two jobs at one point) to keeping tabs on me while the kids where visiting him for the weekend.

Thank you.