How do I start over?

North Carolina Divorce Law Divorce and Separation Answers
1

PoohBear:
From your email, I understand there is more than a separation and divorce going on in your life. As always, there are some things family and friends can help you with but ultimately you are the one who will make the biggest difference. From your email, I can tell you have a lot going on. I would suggest writing out a list and begin taking care of the things you can. For example, maybe send out x number of resumes 2x a week. On the first day you will see the differences you are making in your own life and your children’s. Additionally, by taking care of items on your list, you are showing your children how to cope with situations that can often feel out of control. (Make sure you try to take care of at least one item on your list that you do not want to do but that needs to get done.) Getting a job is not easy for anyone but with the holidays coming there should be an increase in the number of jobs at department stores, especially in the paper wrapping area. (Just an idea - not sure what you are interested in.)
As for Christmas, it seems your sister will be helping out. This is an awesome blessing. There are a number of people going through exactly the same thing without any support. If you remain positive, your children will too. Good luck!

quote:
Originally posted by PoohBear
After 18 years of marriage, my husband - the man I THOUGHT loved me - moved out, and moved in with another woman. We have 3 sons (ages 7, 12 & 16). I'll admit, our marriage hasn't been a "happy" one for years but I honestly figured that some of this was just him going through "the change of life" as he purchased a new motorcycle out of the blue and started going on "business trips". When we first married, we got along great. I knew going into the marriage that he enjoyed hunting and fishing, and I had NO problem with that. In fact, I supported his hobbies thinking "hey, at least he's not hitting bars and womanizing". After our oldest son was born, he insisted that I stay at home while he worked. I had no problem with this as I loved being a "stay at home mom". He worked long hours and on his days off, would go hunting/fishing and I had no problem with that considering the fact that he was the "provider". However, I learned after I became pregnant with our second son that my husband didn't exactly have his priorities straight. I had a difficult pregnancy, with high blood pressure, etc.. and my Dr. explained to us that my pregnancy was considered "high risk". This didn't seem to phase him, he just brushed it aside saying "oh, she doesn't know what she's talking about". When my due date neared, I was ordered to stay off of my feet as much as possible. This was IMPOSSIBLE as my husband NEVER stayed home -- he was always hunting. He'd even take many of his vacation days off in order to go. The day I went into labor, he was out hunting - as usual, and I was home alone with a 4 year old. Not long after I noticed the first contractions, I started hemmoraging profusely. Naturally, it scared my son to death and by the time I was able to get to a phone and get someone here to get me to the hospital, my house looked like a murder scene! In fact, when my husband finally came home, he saw all of the blood and thought exactly that however, when he got to the hospital (after learning what was going on), instead of being relieved that we were okay, he actually FUSSED at me for leaving the front door unlocked (that was the last thing on my mind). About two weeks after the birth, I was ordered "complete bedrest" -- told to stay OFF of my feet. He was told that I would need someone with me constantly as I could not get up and run after a 4 year old AND take care of a newborn. HE picked up the phone and called MY grandmother (who was in her '70's) in a "panic", asking her to PLEASE come over and help ME with the kids - that I was having problems, so naturally, she came straight over. When she arrived, the first thing she saw was my husband, dressed in his cammo garb, gun slung over his shoulder, heading for the door! She said: "Just where do you think YOU'RE going?", to which he replied: "I'm going hunting". She said: "You SHOULD stay home and take care of YOUR family", to which he replied: "NOTHING is going to stop me from hunting"... When our second son was approx. 17 months old, he was diagnosed with Leukemia and had to start a very aggressive form of treatment. My husband was NEVER there for us. I asked him ONCE to come up to the hospital and stay with our son so I could take a few hours to get something to eat and get a shower. He said that he couldn't because his mother wouldn't let him use her car however, he had NO problem getting a way to go hunting. During all of this time, I started having trouble with my weight. I went from wearing a comfortable size 12 to 4X & 5X. I now weigh over 350 pounds even though I've tried dieting so many times, I've lost count. I also started losing interest in "marital relations", mainly because the only time my husband would TOUCH me was when he was "in the mood". Otherwise, he didn't give me a second glance - unless it was to criticise me. During this time, I had wanted to have my tubes tied because of the high risk of the birth control pills to my health, but HE said he'd just get a vascetomy. Thinking he had done so, I stopped taking the BC pills only to learn AFTER I became pregnant with our youngest son that he "chickened out" and never got the procedure done - saying something about "messing with his 'manhood'".... Needless to say, Since our youngest son's birth, I have refused my husband when it comes to "relations". He NEVER tells me he loves me, he NEVER touches me - unless he "wants some". I am curious as to whether or not HE can use this against me now? How do I start over in the world out there? Since I've been "Suzy Homemaker" all of these years, I have NO experience under my belt. I've been hitting the pavement, putting in applications in EVERY place that accepts them and I've even been called in for a few interviews however, I feel strongly that because of my weight problem, my chances of actually LANDING the job goes out the window! My attorney has told me that I HAVE to find a job so that I'll be able to pay all of the bills now that my husband's gone. I don't think I'll have a problem doing this, if I could just get the source of income! Just a few years after we first got married, my husband had my name removed from our checking/savings account and took over all financial aspects, stating that because I wasn't working and therefore not bringing any money home, that HE'D be responsible for all of that - I "needn't worry my little head about that kind of stuff". By the time he decided that he no longer loved me, I was/am COMPLETELY in the DARK as to how much money is in his checking or savings account as well as what kind of debt we owed. He WAS kind enough to give me 1 credit card, which I've used over the years to purchase clothing, food, meds., etc.. for the boys. I don't know HOW many credit cards HE has, but I DO know that he used MINE to buy himself $350.00 worth of "Leathers" (for riding his motorcycle during cold weather). Now, he's telling my attorney that I won't give him his winter clothes although I've already given them to him. His main gripe is that he wants the leather clothing. I intended to KEEP these, at least until he reimbursed me for what he owes (he DID give me $110.00 towards them) however, my attorney is now insisting that I let him have them. I feel backed into a corner and I feel that my attorney is not "fighting" for me as hard as I KNOW he can (and I feel he SHOULD). He's (my attorney) seen first hand that my husband will say/do anything to get HIS way, like "forgetting" to mention income and trying to use scare tactics to get me to sign the settlement papers (which definitely lean in HIS favor)! My husband feels that he has me over a barrel and now my attorney is making me feel that is probably the case. I know about the saying "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger", but I just don't know about this. I've NEVER felt so desperate in all of my life! NOW on top of all of this, Christmas is coming up and I have NO WAY of getting "Santa" for my kids. My oldest son understands and bless his heart, he is doing everything he can to keep ANY cost down for my sake however, my youngest son truely has NO idea that Santa's BROKE this year. My sister contacted me and told me that she and her husband will be playing "Santa" for them this year and part of me is SO grateful, yet the other part of me is ashamed. I just don't know how to go on......

Adrian Davis
Attorney
The Rosen Law Firm
4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 200
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.256.1550 direct voice
919.256.1551 direct fax
919.787.6668 main voice
919.787.6361 main fax
NCdivorce.com
email: adavis@rosen.com

The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service but a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action.

2

ADavis,
Thanks for your words of encouragement and advice. I have been doing everything I can to find a job & have been applying anywhere and everywhere since my husband left back in May. I’ve been called in for several interviews over the past few months only to be told once I walk into the office that the position has already been filled, or that they’ve still got some people to interview and they’ll call me if they need me. The disturbing thing about these interviews is that when I’m called in for one, the person with whom I’m speaking makes it sound like they REALLY need the help and some have even made it sound as if I’ve got the job already – all I need to do is get the interview done, yet no one seems to want to hire me. Right now, it doesn’t really matter what kind of job I “want”, I’ll take ANYTHING, even scrubbing toilets!!
I’ve just become so frustrated with the whole thing in that I honestly thought things would be much simpler than they are and I’m surprised at how long this is taking. After all, HE left US, moved in with another woman, has broken into our home twice since moving out to get things he had not thought of getting when he first moved out. Everything he took belonged to him and I had NO desire to keep it however I just couldn’t understand why he felt the need to “sneak” over here while I wasn’t home to get it. On top of all of this, he (and his sister - who has NEVER liked me, and coincidentally is the one who “set him up” with this other woman) spend what time they DO spend with the children “badmouthing” me. While I understand I’m not their favorite person, that in NO WAY gives them the right to voice their opinions to my kids! My 7 year old came home after a visit with them and asked me what a prostitute was (only he used the “W” word)! I asked him where on earth he heard such a thing and he said “That’s what Aunt Lisa said you were”. How do I deal with THAT??

I have been VERY cooperative with him in that everything he’s asked for, I’ve let him have yet it never seems to be enough. Each time I meet with my attorney, he has a “new list” drawn up by my husband & his attorney and it is always different. He has been dishonest with both HIS attorney as well as mine in that he “forgot” to mention some of his income, a raise he’d gotten in August of last year, as well as a seperate savings account. Now, my attorney is telling me that I will NOT be eligible for ANY alimony because my husband suddenly won’t be getting the same hours at work (a place he’s been for 20 years and I truely believe that he can get as MUCH work as he wants), and therefore won’t be able to afford it. I was also told that the child support amount would come down as well, nor will he have to pay “back child support”, something I do not understand! He’s out having the time of his life with his new girlfriend, spending money on hotel rooms at the beach every other weekend yet he can’t afford to help me with our kids.

The big kicker (and I guess what has pushed me over the edge and has me seeking advice online) is that the breaks went out on the one vehicle my husband DID leave me. I called him and told him of the problem and asked him if I could as least BORROW the van until I was able to get the brakes repaired and of course he said “NO”.

As for my sister, I don’t know what I’d do without her. She’s definitely NOT “rich”, or even “comfortable” financially but she insists on doing this for my boys. You can believe that I am SO grateful and thankful that she’s in my life. I guess I’m just dumbfounded as to how my husband can literally land me in the poorhouse and get away with it when I’ve been nothing BUT a devoted wife and mother for all of these years. I’ve NEVER “strayed” from our union - no matter how unhappy I got. However, I’m beginning to wonder now if this woman with whom he’s living isn’t one of many? Why or HOW is it that he can do this to me and to his children and I am made to suffer??

quote:
Originally posted by adavis
PoohBear: From your email, I understand there is more than a separation and divorce going on in your life. As always, there are some things family and friends can help you with but ultimately you are the one who will make the biggest difference. From your email, I can tell you have a lot going on. I would suggest writing out a list and begin taking care of the things you can. For example, maybe send out x number of resumes 2x a week. On the first day you will see the differences you are making in your own life and your children's. Additionally, by taking care of items on your list, you are showing your children how to cope with situations that can often feel out of control. (Make sure you try to take care of at least one item on your list that you do not want to do but that needs to get done.) Getting a job is not easy for anyone but with the holidays coming there should be an increase in the number of jobs at department stores, especially in the paper wrapping area. (Just an idea - not sure what you are interested in.) As for Christmas, it seems your sister will be helping out. This is an awesome blessing. There are a number of people going through exactly the same thing without any support. If you remain positive, your children will too. Good luck!

Adrian Davis
Attorney
The Rosen Law Firm
4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 200
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.256.1550 direct voice
919.256.1551 direct fax
919.787.6668 main voice
919.787.6361 main fax
NCdivorce.com
email: adavis@rosen.com

The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service but a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action.

3

You may have a cause of action for alienation of affection and/or criminal conversation. To learn more about these, visit our website.

Remember a couple of things: cruelty springs from weakness, and he’s probably not as happy as you think he is.

Take care of yourself.

David L. McGuire
Attorney
The Rosen Law Firm
4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 200
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
NCdivorce.com
(919)787-6668

The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service but a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action.

4

Hi Mr. McGuire,
I have read about alienation of affection and asked my attorney about it however, he doesn’t seem very interested in pursuing it. I’m beginning to feel uncomfortable with my relationship with my attorney in that when my husband first left us, he would say “My attorney says I don’t have to do this or that”, though he wouldn’t tell me who his attorney was. Shortly thereafter, my sister made arrangements for me to talk with her attorney’s firm (they’ve used them for years though never for anything pertaining to divorce). I was told that this attorney is “one of the BEST divorce lawyers in NC” and after I retained him, my husband suddenly came up with his attorney’s name – someone outside of our county. While my husband was using this attorney, MY attorney was a BULLDOG (because of the way my husband was witholding information and the way he was treating me), and had told me that he would push for Alimony on top of child support. Not long after our first “counter-offer”, I learned that my husband had fired his attorney and found one who practices in the same county AND city as mine. Now, my attorney is saying I can’t get the Alimony and that the child support payments will be much less than the original amount. Part of me wonders if these two attorneys are “golf buddies” because of the sudden change in the way my attorney is handling my case. The big problem here is that I can’t AFFORD to “fire” this attorney and get another one (and I doubt very seriously that I can find one who is as good as this one). My sister and my mother paid for my initial consultation fee (which was 300.00), and my attorney explained that he was keeping up with the time he’s spending on my case and that when it’s over with, he’s willing to work out a payment plan so that I won’t get hit with the full bill all at once. I can’t help but wonder if he’d fight harder for me if he knew he’d be paid in full when it’s over?
I know I sound paranoid about this but it just seems like such a sudden change from the way he was originally talking. I have proof that my husband has been living with this other woman, my husband had been taking our children around this other woman even BEFORE he left and at first, I thought nothing of it because she was a friend of his sister’s - and my kids referred to this “other woman” as “Aunt”. After he had left and had moved in with her, he had taken the children to her place and introduced them to HER mother. When my sons greeted her by saying “nice to meet you Miss so & so (I don’t know what her name is)” this woman AND my husband told my sons to call her “Grandma” - even though they’ve never met her before!

I have an appointment with my attorney this afternoon and my sister is going with me as I’m hoping she can convince them to fight a little harder for me but I’m not going to get my hopes up. I’ve done so before (when my attorney first said he’d get an order for both Alimony and Child support), only to have him change his tune. I just feel SO uncomfortable knowing that MY life is in the hands of someone who doesn’t know me personally and therefore, doesn’t give me a second thought after I walk out of his office. At least that’s the way he makes me feel.
As far as my husband breaking into my home to take property, my attorney told me to call the police if he does it again. The next time he did break in, I called the police and they told me that there was NOTHING they could do because we’re not “legally separated”, saying that I have to have that piece of paper signed and until then, my husband has just as much right to come and go as he pleases! It’s incidences like these that makes me feel like I’m backed into a corner with nowhere to go. Were it not for my sister and the rest of my family, I honestly believe I’d have “given in” a long time ago but they are making sure I’ve still got some fight left in me. My sister told me that I need to stop being “hurt” and just get “mad” and not worry about “hurting my husband’s (or his family’s) feelings”. I’ve found myself worrying about exactly that for the sake of my children as I don’t want them to see how ugly this has gotten. At any rate, I’ve done some homework, taken some notes and hope to be prepared for today’s meeting. My biggest fear is being broadsided with something for which I’m NOT prepared. This has happened before. It’s usually something to do with my husband showing up without something he was supposed to bring - so the “meeting” gets postponed until he can come up with whatever he needs. I guess that’s his way of “dragging this out”.
Thanks for the advice, I will certainly bring it up with my attorney again (and I’m sure my sister will do the same). Hopefully, he’ll listen this time!

quote:
Originally posted by David McGuire
You may have a cause of action for alienation of affection and/or criminal conversation. To learn more about these, visit our website.

Remember a couple of things: cruelty springs from weakness, and he’s probably not as happy as you think he is.

Take care of yourself.

David L. McGuire
Attorney
The Rosen Law Firm
4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 200
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
NCdivorce.com
(919)787-6668

The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service but a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action.

5

Dear PoohBear:

First, if he breaks into your house again, go to the magistrate in your county (your attorney should go with you) and ask to file a charge against your husband for Domestic Criminal Trespass. This is a criminal charge leveled against one spouse when the other spouse has told them not to return and they do so.

Also, I would write your attorney a letter about how you feel. Sometimes, your negotiating position must change during the final stages of the case in order to come to an agreement and stop your attorney fees. I hope that you have informed your attorney that you plan to pay him or her in full, but I doubt that the payment, or lack thereof, is changing your position.

Keep your head up and good luck.

Janet L. Fritts
Attorney at Law
4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 200
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
NCDivorce.com
919-787-6668

The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service but a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action.

6

After 18 years of marriage, my husband - the man I THOUGHT loved me - moved out, and moved in with another woman. We have 3 sons (ages 7, 12 & 16). I’ll admit, our marriage hasn’t been a “happy” one for years but I honestly figured that some of this was just him going through “the change of life” as he purchased a new motorcycle out of the blue and started going on “business trips”.
When we first married, we got along great. I knew going into the marriage that he enjoyed hunting and fishing, and I had NO problem with that. In fact, I supported his hobbies thinking “hey, at least he’s not hitting bars and womanizing”. After our oldest son was born, he insisted that I stay at home while he worked. I had no problem with this as I loved being a “stay at home mom”. He worked long hours and on his days off, would go hunting/fishing and I had no problem with that considering the fact that he was the “provider”. However, I learned after I became pregnant with our second son that my husband didn’t exactly have his priorities straight. I had a difficult pregnancy, with high blood pressure, etc… and my Dr. explained to us that my pregnancy was considered “high risk”. This didn’t seem to phase him, he just brushed it aside saying “oh, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about”. When my due date neared, I was ordered to stay off of my feet as much as possible. This was IMPOSSIBLE as my husband NEVER stayed home – he was always hunting. He’d even take many of his vacation days off in order to go. The day I went into labor, he was out hunting - as usual, and I was home alone with a 4 year old. Not long after I noticed the first contractions, I started hemmoraging profusely. Naturally, it scared my son to death and by the time I was able to get to a phone and get someone here to get me to the hospital, my house looked like a murder scene! In fact, when my husband finally came home, he saw all of the blood and thought exactly that however, when he got to the hospital (after learning what was going on), instead of being relieved that we were okay, he actually FUSSED at me for leaving the front door unlocked (that was the last thing on my mind).
About two weeks after the birth, I was ordered “complete bedrest” – told to stay OFF of my feet. He was told that I would need someone with me constantly as I could not get up and run after a 4 year old AND take care of a newborn. HE picked up the phone and called MY grandmother (who was in her '70’s) in a “panic”, asking her to PLEASE come over and help ME with the kids - that I was having problems, so naturally, she came straight over. When she arrived, the first thing she saw was my husband, dressed in his cammo garb, gun slung over his shoulder, heading for the door! She said: “Just where do you think YOU’RE going?”, to which he replied: “I’m going hunting”. She said: “You SHOULD stay home and take care of YOUR family”, to which he replied: “NOTHING is going to stop me from hunting”…
When our second son was approx. 17 months old, he was diagnosed with Leukemia and had to start a very aggressive form of treatment. My husband was NEVER there for us. I asked him ONCE to come up to the hospital and stay with our son so I could take a few hours to get something to eat and get a shower. He said that he couldn’t because his mother wouldn’t let him use her car however, he had NO problem getting a way to go hunting.
During all of this time, I started having trouble with my weight. I went from wearing a comfortable size 12 to 4X & 5X. I now weigh over 350 pounds even though I’ve tried dieting so many times, I’ve lost count. I also started losing interest in “marital relations”, mainly because the only time my husband would TOUCH me was when he was “in the mood”. Otherwise, he didn’t give me a second glance - unless it was to criticise me. During this time, I had wanted to have my tubes tied because of the high risk of the birth control pills to my health, but HE said he’d just get a vascetomy. Thinking he had done so, I stopped taking the BC pills only to learn AFTER I became pregnant with our youngest son that he “chickened out” and never got the procedure done - saying something about “messing with his ‘manhood’”…
Needless to say, Since our youngest son’s birth, I have refused my husband when it comes to “relations”. He NEVER tells me he loves me, he NEVER touches me - unless he “wants some”. I am curious as to whether or not HE can use this against me now? How do I start over in the world out there? Since I’ve been “Suzy Homemaker” all of these years, I have NO experience under my belt. I’ve been hitting the pavement, putting in applications in EVERY place that accepts them and I’ve even been called in for a few interviews however, I feel strongly that because of my weight problem, my chances of actually LANDING the job goes out the window!
My attorney has told me that I HAVE to find a job so that I’ll be able to pay all of the bills now that my husband’s gone. I don’t think I’ll have a problem doing this, if I could just get the source of income! Just a few years after we first got married, my husband had my name removed from our checking/savings account and took over all financial aspects, stating that because I wasn’t working and therefore not bringing any money home, that HE’D be responsible for all of that - I “needn’t worry my little head about that kind of stuff”. By the time he decided that he no longer loved me, I was/am COMPLETELY in the DARK as to how much money is in his checking or savings account as well as what kind of debt we owed. He WAS kind enough to give me 1 credit card, which I’ve used over the years to purchase clothing, food, meds., etc… for the boys. I don’t know HOW many credit cards HE has, but I DO know that he used MINE to buy himself $350.00 worth of “Leathers” (for riding his motorcycle during cold weather). Now, he’s telling my attorney that I won’t give him his winter clothes although I’ve already given them to him. His main gripe is that he wants the leather clothing. I intended to KEEP these, at least until he reimbursed me for what he owes (he DID give me $110.00 towards them) however, my attorney is now insisting that I let him have them.
I feel backed into a corner and I feel that my attorney is not “fighting” for me as hard as I KNOW he can (and I feel he SHOULD). He’s (my attorney) seen first hand that my husband will say/do anything to get HIS way, like “forgetting” to mention income and trying to use scare tactics to get me to sign the settlement papers (which definitely lean in HIS favor)! My husband feels that he has me over a barrel and now my attorney is making me feel that is probably the case. I know about the saying “what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger”, but I just don’t know about this. I’ve NEVER felt so desperate in all of my life!
NOW on top of all of this, Christmas is coming up and I have NO WAY of getting “Santa” for my kids. My oldest son understands and bless his heart, he is doing everything he can to keep ANY cost down for my sake however, my youngest son truely has NO idea that Santa’s BROKE this year. My sister contacted me and told me that she and her husband will be playing “Santa” for them this year and part of me is SO grateful, yet the other part of me is ashamed. I just don’t know how to go on…