When does the hurt stop?


#1

Sounds as though you did everything you could to try and make things better and work out. Unfortunately you still have lots to do if you are headed for divorce. Focus on the positives and what you can do for your children and your role in their lives.
You may want to check into support programs in your area or counseling for yourself.


#2

Keep in mind that what you are feeling now is not permanent. Give yourself time to grieve for the relationship and do not expect for any of it to be gone overnight. This person has been part of your life, has been your partner for 15 years or longer…she is part of who you are, your past, your experiences…don’t expect for all that to just go away. But it does get easier. Time does a wonderful thing for pain…

Find a support group in your area. It is easier when you realize that though you do have to go through this alone, you are part of a great number of people who have and are going through similar situations.

Also, keep in mind that people do change and sometimes it takes something drastic to cause that change to take place. If your wife has problems then maybe this is what is needed for her to see that. Maybe this will be the best thing that you could do for her. It’s difficult to look at this situation that way right now, but if you keep doing what you believe is the best thing for your children and take care of yourself too, things have way of working out. They work out how they are supposed to, though that may not always be how we think they should or how we want them to…“Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers”.
You will be in my thoughts.


#3

Thank you for your kind words. I quite honestly haven’t felt this way since my sister died 5 years ago. Sometimes I think I just can’t make it. I know I have to for the kids, but I’m a mess inside.


#4

I feel this way myself – I have two children and I miss them desperately when they are at their dad’s. It is very hard to be alone when you are used to having someone around for almost two decades of your life, even if you want the divorce. People forget it is so painful for everyone involved.

The bright side for me is my ex has suddenly become the good father he never was when we were together and the kids are now getting to know him as their father instead of a neglectful, absent person.

Someone told me it takes two years to get over something like this and I believe it, it’s like grieving the death of a dream.


#5

I don’t believe that you can ever “get over” a relationship that has been this much a part of your life. You can accept that it’s over and that that part of your life has ended. You can even move on to bigger, better things. But that relationship, that marriage has been incorporated into who you are. All the experiences and memories that you have include that person in one way or another. Once you realize that you don’t HAVE to get over any of that, you can begin to move on with your life. Understand that I don’t mean hold on to those feelings to the point of hurting yourself, but accept that you will never be the person you were before you met them. Every relationship in your life, whether good or bad, will be compared in some way to this one.
I completely understand that my husband will always have some sort of feelings for his ex. She is the mother of his children, they spent over 15 years together and he practically raised her. (She was 15-16 when they married). She still calls and discusses everything with him, and I don’t feel threatened by that. He also understands that you can’t go through any length of time with a person, knowing them intimately and expect to ever quit feeling for them. He knows that who I am is in part because of my ex and our relationship.
The feelings change, sure, but they will always be there to some extent. You have to allow yourself time to grieve the relationship and time to forgive. It takes two people to make a relationship work and it takes two people to make it fail.
Focus on yourself and what you need to do to take care of yourself. Focus on your children and take care of them and eventually you will realize that the stuff you used to try to control, has taken care of itself.


#6

Hi penderpop
You are going through so much your head has so much inside you dont no where to turn you dont no where to run. This sounds so much like many of us as well as me but keep this in mind you have god to look for. Turn to him you also have your children to look for they need the most and in time you will see the light and say why did
I wait so long for me it was very very hard and took so much to do what I am saying just love your children and be there for them
God bless your children and you
Merry Christmas


#7

I had to ask my wife to leave last week. It took 3 years to get her to go to counselling, and after 10 months of going every week, nothing had improved. Both of the counsellors (ours and our daughters) identified my wife’s behavior as the problem and tried to deal with it to no avail. We were married for 15 years and have 3 kids. The oldest refuses to talk to her mother - she hates her - but the other 2 will stay with her every other week (8 and 4yrs). I gave everything I had to try and make it work, and I failed. I’m crushed. I did what I had to for my kids, but the hurt is almost unbearable. I feel totally alone…