How do judges feel?


When he filed divorce from bed & board was that so that you would leave the marital home?
And may I ask, other than the behavioral issues towards you, what reason do you have for not consenting to 50/50 custody? Is he a terrible father? If he files for custody and is willing to settle for 50/50 the court will want to know why you will not agree to this, since the best scenario for most children is that both parents are as involved in their lives as possible. Is it that big of a deal to share custody with him? At 14, give the child 4 years and none of that will matter…
Yes, child custody and ED are separate issues and normally will not even be heard in the same court.
Everything can be used as a bargaining tool during separation. Either parent can file for custody and child support at any time but normally what happens during separation sets a precedent for what happens after divorce. Normally, with younger children, the parent that has been the primary caregiver previously retains primary custody.
Don’t worry about what he’s “planning” to do or accuse you of. Verbal abuse is very difficult to prove and really has no affect on anything as far as a divorce or custody. You both are still entitled to 1/2 the marital assets and debts. You both have equal rights to be involved in your children’s lives. You will never be truly free of each other because you have a child together. It sounds as though he’s trying to “scare” you into getting his way and the bottom line is that the courts do not care to hear the gory details of a marriage and the more you can settle out of court the easier and cheaper it will be for all involved.


My husband has been a fairly absent father, having to be pushed to do almost anything with his children. He has a porn addiction to websites that depict “naked women being murdered”, which has lead me to have tremendous anxiety about who this man “really” is, not to mention that the notable viewers of these websites are child molesters, rapists and serial killers. For years I feared the police would be knocking on my door, and I have watched carefully, carefully for evidence of abuse in my children. I cannot say there is any evidence, but I question the moral fiber of a man participating in this type of behavior, while at the same time professing to be a “strong Christian”.

Regardless of all my concerns, the children do not want to live with their father half of the time, for two reasons: 1) they have watched their friends do this and fail with the logistics of where their homework is, etc… 2) they do not want to be put in the position of taking care of their father. they feel they are entitled to be parented. For their entire life they have watched as he has dumped all responsibilities on me, while pretending to be “in charge” and they don’t want that to happen to them. They do want to see their father regularly and would love for him to become more involved in their lives, but as a diagnosed narcissist I doubt that will ever truly happen.



I am not sure what you are asking but the court will decide the issues of equitable distribution and custody separately. Any alleged verbal abuse will be irrelevant when it comes to property division, but his allegations will be considered when you address the issue of custody. The court may completely discount these allegations.

P.S. Please feel free to bring up this or any other topic on our live call-in show every Wednesday at 11:00 a.m. EST. Visit for details

Helena M. Nevicosi
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm

4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.787.6361 main fax

Charlotte Office
301 McCullough Drive
Suite 510
Charlotte, NC 28262
Main Phone: (704)307.4600
Main Fax: (704) 9343.0044

Durham & Chapel Hill Office
1829 East Franklin Street
Building 600
Chapel Hill, NC 27514
(919) 321.0780


The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service only, a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action. The information posted on this forum is available for public viewing and is not intended to create an attorney client relationship with any individual. These answers are provided for informational purposes only, a person should consult with their own individual legal counsel before taking any action that could affect their legal rights or obligations.


Be prepared if you are going to have a custody trial. His lies will be heard and if he can he will have people write or go on the stand to verify his alligations. My adviced be ready for anything that he will bring up about you and have your attorney prepare for this. Show all the good things about yourself, have as many people you can take the stand for you. If you have any proof of his problem give to the attorney. Get his computer if you can and have someone download the sites he is on (for proof). I don’t really know if this would go against him, but try. Your child is 14? Have your child talk to the judge, but don’t coach them, and don’t tell them they can talk to judge. This will be brought up at hearing request to talk to judge but again don’t tell them. If they go into chambers and slam the Dad the judge might or think you coached them. Keep them out of anything going on and don’t say anything bad about the Dad. My biggest advice is have a good attorney: ask them point blank will you do everything possible to help me. What judge will hear your case, this is a big factor, some are known by attorneys and how they generally rule on certain cases. Good luck


Bottom line. If he wants to see the kids, no one will stop him from doing so. Your kids might be old enough to choose for themselves. Speak to your attorney about keeping this out of Court if he can possibly go with the wishes of your children! Dad might back down if the kids do NOT want to see him!

Your best bet is to try to agree to some type of custody arrangement. The Courts do not like to deal with the custody trials and you just do not know who the judge is going to believe. You could “win” all or “lose” all. It’s a crap shoot and very, very expensive…emotionally and financially. Kids are involved and it’s a drain on them too.

His accusations should not affect the financial outcome of your divorce.

What happened in the past does not matter.


My husband is holding the financial separation papers hostage unless he gets custody of the children or at least 50/50, which the kids do not, age 14. He filed divorce from bed and board in Sept of Oct 2007 and will not leave, and since then has trapped me in the home because we have numerous pets and no one will rent to me. I arranged for a home loan, but without the financial separation papers that is on hold.

Will the judge look at this as a control game, which it is. He will not negotiate about any ED until he gets the custody he wants. My understanding was that ED and child custody were totally separate issues, or should be. Will the judge view it that way?

My husband is planning to acuse me of verbal abuse because I honestly and straightforwardly tell him what I think. I do not swear. I do tell him he is acting childishly if he is acting childishly, etc…

In my divorce from bed and board I revealed a “secret” of his and I believe that all his actions from that point on, and even before since the “secret” was revealed to others whose opinion he cared about, he has continuously attacked me in assorted ways, destroying my reputation in our church and with all of our mutual friends. This is a 25 year marriage with no documented history of any kind of abuse on either side. In marriage counseling three years ago abuse was never raised as an issue for him, however, from that counseling he was given a diagnosis of narcissism and all of his actions since then have completely fallen in line with that personality trait.

He is the kind of man who throws zingers and jabs out, pushes buttons constantly and then when you respond calls it abuse. Will the judges see through this ploy of his?