How did you come to the decision to go through with a divorce?
After months of being unhappy and living with someone who was mad every other day and would “act out” and emotionally punish me, I came to my decision.
I also attended marriage counseling alone (he would not go) for about four months. Prior to that, we had gone as a couple to only 3 sessions and he quit and then was deployed. (about 1.75 years ago). And 3 years ago, I went to individual counseling for a few sessions when I was unhappy.
So, I dragged it out a bit. But finally I realized that we couldn’t buy the bigger house or have a baby together. And I tried to take the higher road, but didn’t see him doing the same (I stopped bringing up the past, I stopped nitpicking silly things around the house - well, 90 percent of them, and I tried to be a good little wife who did all the housework and cooked more - but I worked full time, and I never did enough in his eyes).
I began exploring my options and counseling this February. I started recording what was happening so I could remember in the future. Not a tattle log, but just printed emails and thoughts in Word documents. Sometimes I read them when I second guess myself. I still love him.
I began organizing our financial documents. I began planning. I went to a free Rosen seminar in APril and saw my lawyer in May. Then it became real. ANd scary. And I second guessed myself.
The day I met the lawyer, in the evening, I became physically ill and sobbed (I had not really cried up until this point). Numb arms. Horrible headache. Stomach in knots. I lost 5 lbs in a few days. That’s when I realized I needed more closure. I had been scared of my husband’s rage and we had poor communication, but I still loved him and wasn’t ready to let go completely without one last talk to beg for counseling and to see if we could BOTH change our habits, our perceptions, etc., to meet in the middle. This might not haev been wise, as it gave him a heads up that I was serious about separation and divorce. But to me, that was worth it - I needed the emotional security of having tried one more time (and to not feel like a bad person for going behind his back to create a proposed separation agreement). Although financial assets and belongings are nice, my emotional stability and decision would affect me FOREVER.
Overall, marriage is about compromise. My husband wanted a dictatorship with a 1950s wife. I wanted a partnership and someone who was fast to forgive and just move on to be happy in their day and not dwell on all the little negatives. For months he had refused to go to counseling, he had called me names, punished me with silence and childish messes, and told me all our problems were 100 percent my fault. He wanted me home all the time to cook and clean, but yet he could go to school and have more hobbies than me, but my hobbies were WRONG and he had double standards for us. And yet, still, I could not let go until I had one more talk.
So…1. Create a strong support of friends
2. Get all your financial paperwork in order
3. Go to counseling!!!
4. Meet with a lawyer or two, even if it’s just a consult and go to the Rosen seminar!
4. Communicate to your spouse to give them another chance with you if you want to - I needed it for closure.
it is normal to grieve. You are losing someone you love b/c things are not right. Doesn’t mean you don’t love them anymore. You are also losing what you thought your future was. It’s very traumatic. THey say it will take a year for me to feel normal again. I’m scared.
Hope this helps.
Thank you for being so open. You have given me a lot to think about.
[quote=“soalone”]How did you come to the decision to go through with a divorce?[/quote]It’s one of the toughest decisions I ever made. I am fortunate in that there really hasn’t been much divorce in my family. My parents have been married 37 years. My two sisters are married for about 10 years each. So I guess I am the black sheep of the family now…
I think what finally pushed me over the edge was that I can’t live the rest of my life like this. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life sleeping in the guest room and miserable with my living conditions. I wasn’t living alone but at the same time it’s very lonely. If there was such a thing as a common-law divorce, we probably would have had it already.
Of course, then comes the problem of proceeding with the separation. It’s a long path between making the decision and actually moving out. I wish you the best in your situation.