Husband wants out after almost nine years


#1

I’m in so much pain right now I can hardly function. My husband told me last weekend that he wants to separate.

He has told me in the past that he thought that we were too different, but we always seemed to patch things up. His main issues seem to be that I don’t bond with him on music and that I don’t like to socialize/have lots of friends (but I have never discouraged him from doing so. In fact, I have repeatedly encouraged him to socialize and make friends).

This is my second husband. I was dumped by my first husband, too. I feel like such a loser.

Right my biggest problem is that I can’t sleep: I take Tranxenes (tranquilizers), and started taking Paxil (sedating for me) and drinking small amounts of wine every couple of hours during the night to get myself to sleep.

How do others cope?


#2

Sadly, there are a lot of us on this forum that know what you are going through. My ex of 11 years dumped me and a year later I was dumped by the “rebound” guy…I honestly thought that it must be something about me. I hurt, I worried, and I went over every detail of what happened in both relationships. Some days it was all I could do to get out of bed in the morning. I felt like someone had died, but it was worse because he was still there, I just couldn’t see him or talk to him without causing myself more pain. I’ve since realized that the only thing wrong with me was in trying to force relationships to work that just would not. Once I had some time to myself and with the support of a couple very close friends, I began to get to know myself again. I didn’t even know what I enjoyed doing because I had always been so wrapped up in my ex. I took a few chances and got back some self esteem, and eventually, about 6 months later, met my husband. My husband is like a male version of me…we are so much alike that sometimes I wonder how I was ever happy being with anyone else, but then…I guess I wasn’t really happy or content with my life before.

Please do not get into the habit of taking medications or drinking to gain relief. It doesn’t really help and will only mask the reality that you will eventually have to face. Go to your doctor, if you haven’t already and realize that you NEED to allow yourself to grieve for this relationship. You have lost something that you held very close and something that was important to you. There’s no reason to think that you aren’t going to hurt. But you have to allow yourself to feel it and deal with it or you will only be hurting yourself. Realize that you are not the only one out there who feels this way. Get some rest, whether or not you sleep. Eat whether or not you feel like it. Force yourself to go to a movie or the park. Take a weekend trip away all by yourself. I got dressed up and went to supper alone with a book one Friday night… :oops:
It is an automatic response when someone leaves us to think, “What could I do to change? What did I do wrong?” I’ve learned that sometimes, there is nothing that you need to change and nothing that you did wrong. It really was just not meant to be. I’ve actually gotten to the point where I can be grateful to my ex for the hell he put me through (what I allowed him to put me through) because I would not be who I am without those experiences. My ex cheated and I was always resentful. I believe that it is infinitely more difficult to leave someone when you aren’t angry for the right reasons than to leave when you are angry. The way your post reads to me is that your husband is trying to do what he feels is right for himself without tearing down your marriage by being unfaithful to you. It tells me that he’s felt this way for a long while and does not want to continue what he feels is not fair to either of you.
Maybe there’s a support group you can find…a pastor…a friend or a family member that you can talk to. You don’t need anyone to “fix” this, but you do need someone to listen. I don’t think I would have survived if my best friend and her husband had not been there for me, constantly telling me what a wonderful person I was and what I deserved. I eventually began to hope that I wasn’t such a loser after all and that maybe I really did have something to offer. Once you begin to believe that and realize what YOU want out of this life, the rest will start to fall into place. You won’t settle, you won’t compromise…

It does get easier after a while and with what you have posted, you may have a chance to remain friends with your ex…someone who knows you…

I’ll keep you in my thoughts…


#3

Dear stepmother;

Thanks for you kind words and thoughts. Much sound advice.

I have seen a therapist and I hope that this will help. I think that after my husband moves out of the house, I might start to feel better. Seeing him everyday is really hard.

I’m sorry for what you went through and I am really glad that you are happy now. Good for you!


#4

I agree with virtually everything that stepmother wrote save one. If you are not sleeping, then the TEMPORARY use of sleeping meds may be warranted. Lack of sleep over time can make the emotional issues worsen and will lead to more insomnia and it becomes a vicious cycle. (I’m finally starting to recover some of my old sleeping patterns after 2 years of hell.) Set a time limit, though, and make sure that you ween yourself off of the sleeping meds.

Other than that, I’ll tell you what I was told a long time ago: Each relationship is a learning experience. You are not a loser, you are learning. Each relationship tells us more about ourselves and more about the differences between our desires and our needs and how to get the latter met better.

I’m so glad that you are going the therapy route. It will help immensely. If there are similarities between your first marriage and your second, a therapist can help you see the patterns that worked and those that didn’t. We always need the support structure of our friends too, but a neutral party can be very very helpful, especially if you are under a lot of anxiety.

My prayers and best wishes are with you.