WoW! Poor kid, that he has so much anxiety about telling his mom how he feels. I sometimes wonder if this will eventually happen w/ us.
That is great if that is what he wants. How old is he? I am new to divorce so I am interested in knowing, at what age can children make this call? Good luck to you and hopefully your stepson will be able to get off of his medication living where he ultimately wants to be.
I am going through the say samething my children do not want to stay with there mother and she is making it very haard for them she told that they must make the decision and I said that the children should not make this very hard decision and it is very hard for them.
My now EX has moved and lives almost 2hrs away and the children must drive both ways everyother week 50/50 split. So hope this week I will find out what will be done with this.
Good luck with your son
He is 12 but he is much older than his years…
He made this decision because his mother began working 3rd shift a year ago. He has told us he has enough to worry about with school and the changes he’s getting ready to go through physically without taking care of his little brother. He has told us that even when she is there, she is asleep. He says that he knows she will never be happy because she can’t live without a man but yet she runs off every man that she gets. He wants to have the rules laid out for him so that he can be a kid before it’s too late. He wants to be taken care of instead of taking care of everyone else…This is not something that he has gotten from someone else, this is what he has figured out on his own.
We are not planning to change custody or child support yet. We believe that his mother will fight it more when she realizes that the child support will decrease. He had a difficult time last night because he says still believes that he should be miserable to keep her from hurting. He is not going to see her at all this week and I think this coming weekend is going to be terrible for him…
How do you make a child understand that it’s not their job to make someone else happy? How do you make them see that the only person that they can control is themselves?
Yes, his mother is hurt. But if she truly wants what is best for him she will forgive him. Get her life together and enjoy the time she does get to see him. Right?
According to the law there is no age at which children can decide but most of the time, if a child does make a choice like this, the courts will take that into consideration. Hopefully, with this situation, once we file for modification, she will agree and it will not have to go back through to court…
have you thought about getting this child some counseling? He may be more willing to share his feelings w/ someone not in the situation.
I wish we had pushed harder for something like this w/ when my stepdaughter was in her teens and we realized she had, for all intents and purposes, and certainly in her own mind, become “mom” to her sibling. It’s too late now and we are dealing w/ all sorts of repercussions and I wonder if she feels like she missed out on her childhood.
He has been asked about it but says that as long as he can talk to us he’s alright. I’ve told him to think about it because sometimes it’s easier to talk to someone who doesn’t have a role in the situation and he’s agreed to think about it. He has trouble opening up to strangers.
This may be a good time to bring that back up to him. Maybe if he could talk to someone that doesn’t have a “side” in this it may reinforce that this decision wasn’t him being selfish but self preservation…Thanks mal. It may also help if this does end up back in court…
there may already be someone this boy feels comfortable talking w/…a youth minister, teacher, school counselor…in our area there are many that deal with adolescent issues. Sometimes it takes several sessions for kids to open up but when they do it is like the flood gates have burst open. My thoughts are with you. You have been such a voice of reason and wisdom to so many here, myself included.
Well, he is going to a counselor today after all. My husband called and said that he didn’t go to school because he was so worried about his mother he couldn’t function. They tried calling and couldn’t get an answer and he got so worked up that my husband finally called the doctor. They have an appointment this morning.
THEN his mother calls to tell them that if we take the kids it doesn’t matter to her anymore, she said that she took too many sleeping pills last night and they (her mom and boyfriend)took her to the doctor and are making her go to a counselor. He doesn’t know about this yet but I’m sure that she will tell him when she talks to him next time.
This was NOT a suicide attempt…this was an attention, feel sorry for me, let’s see how bad you would feel if I wasn’t around anymore type of thing. And this makes me angry…this kid who has been through so much now is going to have to feel guilty because his mother or grandmother or someone will end up telling him that she tried to kill herself because of his decision.
What kind of parent does this to a child!!! I mean,OMG…Grow up and take some responsibility for your own actions. Instead of making excuses about WHY you can’t take care of your children, TAKE CARE OF THEM! The only way you can take care of your family is by taking care of yourself. Get enough rest/sleep, eat right, play, excercise, allow yourself to be mad, happy, sad, or just to exist. Every day is NOT going to be wonderful, some days are just going to be. Realize that you are human and your going to make mistakes, but don’t try to justify making the same mistake over and over again. Don’t be upset when someone doesn’t believe you when you tell them you are sorry for the 100th time for the same thing…It’s NOT always about you!
Sorry, I’ll hop off the soap box. It’s just very frustrating…I wish I could shake some sense into her. I have to keep reminding myself that this is how she grew up and this is all she knows…manipulate, feel guilty and blame someone else. I suppose I should feel bad for her. I believe that eventually you get old enough to know right from wrong and to see that not everyone lives that way, but I guess that’s not entirely true since her mother is STILL this way…all I can do is pray. I’ll keep you posted…drama drama drama.[:(]
I know how you feel like today my son was dropped off at my house and the ex like most times was late (she has both of them this week) and the first thing my boy wants to eat I had dinner already made for my family. So I made my boy up a quick snacky for him and ate as fast as he could until she came to pick him up.
I know the children do not eat right and sleep right aswell but its very hard for me.
I can see how hard it is for you and your son that his mother is acting like this and in time your son will ses the light and all will come to play in time you will see as your son just I feel sorry that he must be put through this crap.
Hope the best for you and your family
Stepmpther, the Lord knew what he was doing when he brought you into this young man (and his brother’s) life. My prayers are with you and I’m sending all my positive thoughts your way.
Amen to that and I hope god will too
I think he is lucky to have a stepmother who cares enough about him to open her house up for him to stay there all the time. Everyone who is remarried with children from previous marriages isn’t that fortunate.
Thank you all for the positive thoughts and prayers. Thankfully, he didn’t feel guilty about what his mother did, he was angry. He said that she wasn’t even thinking about his brother and that she was being selfish. I think that reinforced his decision to stay with us where there is more stability. Things are a little calmer this week and it seems as though he’s sticking to his decision. He’ll be going to the counselor for the next couple of weeks at least.
We had one incident this past weekend, it was their mother’s weekend, and she took them to the Flea Market. He pitched a fit when his mother wouldn’t buy him a pellet gun and then text his father to come pick him up early. He also said something very disrespectful to her. We all agreed from the beginning that if either of them made this decision that they would not be allowed to switch back and forth for petty reasons. We told him that he needed to respect his mother whether or not she deserved it. His mother told him that he could leave early, that was fine with her, but he needed to get the rest of his clothes and not plan on coming back, or he could stay until he was supposed to leave because she wasn’t playing those types of games. My husband talked to him on the phone and he said he was having an anxiety attack but he calmed down and afterwards we figured out he was just angry at not getting his way.
His mother made the mistake a couple of weeks ago when he had anxiety and had to leave school of taking him to buy new clothes…like that was going to fix things. Now he’s trying to take advantage of the situation.
I know he has anxiety attacks, I’ve seen them…I’ve had them
myself…but keep this in mind if things like this goes on with your children. Keep a close eye on the situation. They can have legitimate issues with separation and divorce, but they learn very quickly how to manipulate and play parents against each other. My youngest stepson would say that his mother let him watch a specific TV show or play certain video games and for a short while my husband played the “competition” game. After a while, when they could speak to each other again without arguing, it was figured out that he was telling his mother that we let him do this same stuff…
This is why I stress so strongly that parents MUST work together to raise the children even though it’s separately. Joint custody will only work when the parents agree on the best interest for the child, communication, and a little compromise.
Thank you all again.
My oldest stepson told his mother today that he wanted to live with us. He’s been struggling with this decision for quite a while and we have tried to be very supportive. His mother has made him feel guilty about it any time he’s brought it up to her so I suggested to my husband that maybe he should be there with him. Even though it was his decision and he needed to be the one to tell his mother, we did not want the situation to be manipulated. My husband took him by there this morning after a serious anxiety attack and is taking the day off with him.
I figure that we will eventually have to go back to court for this, but I’m hoping that she will see that fighting this will only make things worse for him.
He has been having anxiety attacks since well before Christmas, so bad at times that he’s had to miss almost a week total of school overall. The doctor told my husband that it’s due to him struggling with this decision. He’s been on medication for ADHD but now he’s on two other medications for the anxiety attacks/depression also.
I’m almost giddy with relief for him and my heart is in my throat. It’s been difficult to watch him go through this, knowing that there’s nothing you can do. I have mixed emotions about this. While I don’t particularly respect or like his mother, she is his mother and I would never wish anything bad on anyone. I know that things come back around and that all the manipulating that she’s done in the past has essentially caused him to make this decision, but still it can’t be easy to hear from your child that they would rather live with the other parent, your ex.
I know that there’s a sh*t storm coming over this from her, her mother, my other stepson, and I’m ready for it. But would it be terrible to be happy about this for him? For us?