It sounds as though you are in a very stressful situation and are having some moral issues with leaving your wife.
Let me put some things into perspective for you: 1.No matter when or how you leave, make no mistake, you will be “a you know what” and probably worse. 2.Things that people can agree on when they are married, they will disagree on when divorcing, and if they never agreed on it it will be worse while divorcing. 3.The majority of divorces are ugly. Anything bad that you did while you were married, or what she percieves as bad, will be told to anyone that will listen. 4.It WILL be your fault. Get used to that idea now so it won’t be such a shock when you hear your mother-in-law or someone from your wife’s place of business say it. 5. All ex husbands are lying, cheating, low life, scum and all ex wives are coniving, money hungry, cold hearted tramps. That’s just the way it seems to be if you read enough of these forums. I know there are some divorces that are amicable and easy to deal with, but those people don’t post on here.
Keep in mind that if you have done all that you feel you are capable to make the relationship work, anyone who knows you or knows you as a couple will know the truth. If you understand this then you will not be defending yourself to everyone afterwards. We are all human and make mistakes. Know your limits on what you are willing endure to have that peace of mind while not compromising your conscience. There is no “good” time to leave. If you leave before you will be a jerk for putting her through this right before surgery, if you leave after you will be a jerk for doing this right after surgery.
If you have made up your mind about leaving, protect yourself. Start a new account at a separate bank in your name only. Don’t argue with her about money, but keep records of everything. Keep documentation of conversations and what was said. Try to eliminate any excessive debts that you can. Contact an attorney and get a separation agreement drawn up, and file for equitable distribution. This way, hopefully, 1/2 of the debt that she has help build will be on her shoulders.
This is all just my opinion. Some of the others may have different opinions. Good Luck and keep us posted.