Now what


#1

You can’t do anything with premeditated adultry–you would have to wait until it actually happened.

These are the situations that can be so emotionally trying. I know it’s very real. It happens a lot. It sounds like this gamming of hers has led to to ‘meet’ other folks (as with online gaming can do). She has pretty much told you she is looking for some action with her birth control purchases (and seeing you’re snipped). If she is bound and determined to separate, then you must see a lawyer so she doesn’t leave without helping pay the bills you both have. You both have rights to the house and are liable for the bills that go with that. Child support isn’t an issue with her son, since he’s not yours. If she leaves, alimony may be an issue unless you can find evidence that she indeed HAS met someone and takes up a relationship with that person.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I knew my ex wanted out and it was unbearable to live day to day like that.


#2

Thanks for the response. I don’t believe in following anyone around, however, I’ve got to have proof to avoid alimony (if it comes to that). She has stated that she will not seek alimony. However, I don’t want to fall for the “keep your eye on the shiny object” routine.

I obtained my credit report this morning and have removed her from one of my credit cards. She has me listed on one of hers, therefore, I’ve got to pay it off and remove my name. After yesterday, I’ve switched gears to protection mode.


#3

I am sorry that you are going through this. I have seen several relationships and marriages destroyed by gaming. It is addictive. The birth control thing, did she specifically tell you that’s why she obtained it? (There are other reasons that women go on birth control…)I gather that is the case with the way that you posted, but just wanted to verify.

In respect to what you can do…there is probably little. This is an addiction like any other and it can and does destroy lives. If she does not see it as a problem, you can not force her to see it that way. I have personal experience with this, but I will not post about it.

You are right to switch gears to protect yourself finacially, though there is probably little that you can do emotionally. Get to an attorney consult as soon as you can to see where you stand. Start keeping record of everything. Since your financial situation is unstable, it may be that she could stay with a friend while still helping with her financial responsibilities until the year is up…
Maybe find a counselor or support group to help you through the emotional portions of this. Maybe write up a separation agreement and have her look over it. You could leave the date blank until you know when separation can happen…this also may make it more “real” to her if she realizes that you are moving ahead with this.
I am sorry that you are dealing with this and will keep you in my thoughts. If you do find out that she has begun a relationship you do have options…especially if you catch her. How would she have time to have a relationship though if she’s on the game that much…(?)


#4

She obtained the “ring”, not the pills. She told me face to face that she got it “to be prepared if she needed it”. I understand that bc pills can sometimes have other beneficial uses. I don’t think the “ring” does.

I’m taking it day by day, still with the intent of visiting an attorney. I have a strong friendship base, have my two kids to focus on, a decent/secure job, and the gym (to vent my frustrations with a positive result).

Her son/my stepson lives with us. He’s an innocent victim and, unfortunately, could be severly impacted. I hope you’re right about the lack of time for dating.


#5

Sounds like you have your head on your shoulders straight. Keep it that way. You won’t be able to change her unless she wants to change. If she is telling you she needs to be prepared with the birth control, then that is a clear flag to me. Keep working out (it IS a great stress reliever) and keep the ties with your friends…you will need them. And yes-definitely talk to an attorney. Even if nothing happens, and she stays with you, you will be informed and educated.

I feel badly for the child. They are the innocent ones. [V]


#6

I agree. There are few who can keep a their emotions from taking control when they are faced with this type of situation. What do YOU want to do? After all this, are you still prepared to do whatever it takes to make your marriage work? It may not be up to you but if you make that decision for yourself you will feel better about what your next moves should be.
Find one friend that you can talk to about it all. One person that you trust completely. Someone that has your best interest in mind and that you can be open with. Let that person read over anything and everything about this. Your right, your stepson will be the one to suffer. What type of custody agreement does your wife share with her ex for your stepson? He is going to be what makes this separation difficult, so you need someone looking at the situation from the outside. Someone who is not emotionally tied to the outcome.

I suggest that you keep doing what you are currently and make a few aggressive moves also.
Make sure that she is aware that you can sue anyone that she has a relationship with. Make sure that she knows adultery is still illegal in NC.
I already suggested writing up a separation agreement and putting it on the table. Maybe seeing all the property (assets & debts) divided on paper will make a difference. Seeing you put a value on the living room furniture, the computer, the TV, the bedroom furniture…this may cause her to confront you about it. If that happens, you are only trying to be fair and divide the assets as evenly as you can. Maybe it will get a discussion going…if possible, you can record that…

Since she apparently has made no attempt to hide the fact that she may be unfaithful (which is very cruel IMHO), you do not have to be passive about this. I understand that you may still love her, but if you want to truly protect yourself emotionally and you want to set the right example for her son as well as your own children, please do not allow her to do this while still living with you in your home. You can not force her to change but you can still react the way you would want her to. If you were going to cheat, would you brag to her about it…? Or would you leave her and the home prior to letting that situation come up and hide it from her out of respect and maybe a little humility?

The last thing I suggest, and this is going to be harsh and take a lot of determination, is asking her to leave the home. She has asked for a divorce and admitted that she is preparing to have sexual encounters outside your marriage. Keep records of everything. You can ask her, and it would not be considered forcing her out, to leave the home if she plans to be unfaithful. This would be a reason for filing for Divorce from Bed & Board also. If she’s making no attempts at hiding this fact but yet has not left already then she clearly wants you to leave. I don’t suggest that you do this. IMHO, the one that wants out of the marriage should be the one to leave if at all possible.

I’m not suggesting being mean about any of this, only that you be honest with yourself about your position. Realize that ending a marriage should not be an easy thing. Though it can remain amicable you do not have to bend over backwards to make things easy on someone who is so obviously not worried about your feelings. This is just my opinion though…


#7

Thanks for the words of advice. I know I’ll have to speak with and attorney to get the details of how to proceed. I attempted to contact the Rosen Law Firm today to schedule an initial consultation. However, when I called and made my selection, there was dead silence…twice…once for 5 minutes. I guess they’re more into the online consultation versus face to face. I’m trying to keep my sarcastic humor.


#8

Blown Away,

There is no claim for pre-meditated adultery, however you may have a claim for divorce from bed and board if she has turned her affections away from you. I am sorry you had trouble trying to contact our firm. If you wish to schedule a consultation you can send an email to info@rosen.com and Jessica Pellas will be in touch. It is possible we were having trouble with our phone system.

P.S. Please feel free to bring up this or any other topic on our live call-in show every Wednesday at 11:00 a.m. EST. Visit radio.rosen.com for details

Helena M. Nevicosi
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm

4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.787.6361 main fax

Charlotte Office
301 McCullough Drive
Suite 510
Charlotte, NC 28262
Main Phone: (704)307.4600
Main Fax: (704) 9343.0044

Sutton Station
5826 Fayetteville Rd. Suite 205
Durham, NC 27713
Phone: (919) 321-0780

ROSEN.COM

The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service only, a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action. The information posted on this forum is available for public viewing and is not intended to create an attorney client relationship with any individual. These answers are provided for informational purposes only, a person should consult with their own individual legal counsel before taking any action that could affect their legal rights or obligations.


#9

My wife has admitted that she is “wearing” the birth control and has found a new guy friend but will neither confirm nor deny she has done the “deed”. She is also advertising herself on Facebook using pictures that were suppose to be for me. I met with the attorney yesterday. Here is the kicker. According to the Rosen attorney, my wife can kick me out of the house, make me pay half, and pay for her attorney fees. The reason… I make more than she does and her son lives with that. How’s that for a kick in the pants!! She can have her cake, eat it too, and go back for seconds. I will be obtaining a separation agreement, split half the finances, and move out with the intention of the house being placed on the market. There will be protection for me from alimony and abandonment charges.


#10

I am so sorry that this is the way your situation is turning out. It sounds as though your wife is determined to make this difficult. I still think that you could file for divorce from bed & board and have her leave the home due to her actions…but this may be easier on you. Make sure that you save all the information that you have and the pictures too.


#11

Document everything. Do not be confrontational. Let her hang herself. Talk to an attorney. Stay cool. There may be a “window of opportunity” if she is saying she will not seek alimony, blah, blah. Get her so sign (notarized) a separation agreement stating such. Get everything in there that you want in there to protect yourself. You can always rescind it later via another agreement. Be steadfast. Be a good parent.


#12

Ditto everything don5327 is saying, plus:

It might be worth hiring a private investigator for proof of adultery, which could help you file for a divorce from bed & board. CYA.


#13

Be careful. If she is cheating, she may catch a disease.


#14

I am not sure what you read on our website that leads you to believe she can kick you out of the house, but she cannot without a court order. In order to get a court order requiring one of you to leave the house there must be grounds such as domestic violence, financial misconduct, or other marital misconduct.

P.S. Please feel free to bring up this or any other topic on our live call-in show every Wednesday at 11:00 a.m. EST. Visit radio.rosen.com for details

Helena M. Nevicosi
Attorney with Rosen Law Firm

4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, North Carolina 27607
919.787.6668 main phone
919.787.6361 main fax

Charlotte Office
301 McCullough Drive
Suite 510
Charlotte, NC 28262
Main Phone: (704)307.4600
Main Fax: (704) 9343.0044

Sutton Station
5826 Fayetteville Rd. Suite 205
Durham, NC 27713
Phone: (919) 321-0780

ROSEN.COM

The response posted above is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only reliable manner to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an attorney, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an accurate opinion. The basic information provided above is intended as a public service only, a full discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action. The information posted on this forum is available for public viewing and is not intended to create an attorney client relationship with any individual. These answers are provided for informational purposes only, a person should consult with their own individual legal counsel before taking any action that could affect their legal rights or obligations.


#15

During my intial consultation, an attorney with your firm told me that my wife could kick me out. I have not cheated on her, bothered her, or as much as raised a hand at her. The Rosen attorney said that since I made more than my wife, and her son (my stepson) lives with us, she could get an attorney to have me removed from the house and make me pay the attorney fees because the courts would be looking after the best interest of the child (this dispite that I have my two children that live with me every other week). I was obviously shocked.

If this is incorrect, I strongly recommend that someone else with your firm have a frank discussion with “this attorney” about NC Divorce Law. I will not list the attorney’s name out of respect for their privacy. I would be happy to provide the name if you like, via telephone.


#16

Remember this… An attorney can’t do anything to you.

So when she says that she is going to get an attorney and get you thrown out of the house that is just bluster. Only judges can throw you out of your house (via divorce from bed and board) unless you are physically abusive.

Do not move out of the house. If she wants a divorce she can be the one to move out. Be steadfast. I know it is very upsetting to find out you are living with the enemy.


#17

I understand that an attorney can’t kick me out. It was implied that the STBX could obtain an attorney, go to court, and have me move out. I was trying to simplify what the Rosen attorney told me.

Personally, I would rather move out and start the healing process. It would be emotionally hard for me to come home to an empty house and have all the memories that went along with it.


#18

I understand that. I have been there. But, you didn’t ask for this. Healing begins inside. Everybody is different I know.

On a legal note… If you move out she will have “use” of the house until you come to a settlement on ED. In the meantime you will have to continue to pay the mortgage (I assume you have a mortgage). If you rent then things a a little simpler, but remember the children. By moving you would disrupt their lives. That may not look good. You need to be the strong parent right now. Be steadfast.


#19

blownaway -

Hopefully, Helena can clarify this situation for you. What don5327 is true about you being forced to move, but I can also see your side of this. If you are living in the home with someone who you KNOW is not going to be faithful, wants to separate and is generally making your life miserable it may be easier to move out yourself. If you have children that you get for visitations, it may be better for them also not to have to be around this woman who is so hell bent on destruction.

My husband had the home from his previous marriage. He moved and sold the home before the divorce was final. During the separation process, we both discovered that though it may not have been finacially easier to “start over” it was emotionally easier. She took the majority of the household items when she left him and it was easy for him to let her have the rest and either replace it or live without it. They argued for 2 weeks over a set of rugs that he ended up letting her have. In the end, it was easier for us to find something that she had no ties to. I am the only woman that has ever slept in his bed because she took the bedroom furniture with her. Yes, the healing process does begin from within, but it does make it easier if you are not constantly surrounded by memories of your crushed dreams.

As I’ve said previously, your stepson is the one who is getting a raw deal on this and I hope that the situation works out for his sake.
Since you are leaving the marital home, she will have to divide the equity with you unless she has other bargaining chips to work with. This is a big one too. Maybe you can use that in exchange for her not requesting alimony. If you do not have to pay her and simply divide the remaining assets, you may be able to make a “clean break” from this marriage. That doesn’t happen often so work with what you have. Good luck and I’ll keep you in my thoughts.


#20

I appreciate all of your words of encouragement and advice. I’ll continue to check in and update how things are going. I hope that the information that I provide will be beneficial to others suffering though the same set of circumstances.