Second guessing myself....any ideas on getting clarity?


#1

My post sounds similar to others I have read…after years of being controlled with the past year the worst…was put in jail after he called police during argument, he taped our conversations, dumped a 15K bill on me because he got a card with my name on it, was ugly to my 21 yr old daughter living at home going to school…dumped all her stuff in basement in her room, was always on her case every day, mean, mean, mean…etc, etc. Anyway, went to court for child custody first with a future date for ed, support. He’s supposed to leave our house. After our day in court, I was immediately second-guessing myself. Tons of guilt. This was never what I wanted, I just wanted him to act civil. And like in other posts, he is nice and wanting to make things work. He has started talking to my daughter, but she is so mad at me for second guessing myself, she has moved out to stay with friends. We have a 7 yr old and I am wondering, do I try? What do I tell my lawyer? Is there anything out there that would give me guidance? It is so much easier being mad. I don’t want to lose my daughter, but I want to do what’s best for my 7 yr old. Any books, resources, anything? I am sooo overwhelmed and burned out and tired of not knowing what to do. Thanks for any help.


#2

I think almost every person goes through this at some point or other during separation/divorce. I suggest that you get counseling for yourself and also marriage counseling if you decide you want to work this out.
You have to decide first if YOU want this marriage. Your daughter, while important to your life, will not have to live with the result of this decision. She is an adult and will not be with you forever. You want to base this decision on what is right for you. You should not remain together solely for the children. That is the wrong reason to remain in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship.
You have to decide if you want the youngest child to grow up being exposed to the relationship you have with your spouse. Grow up seeing that this is how a relationship works…how you treat your spouse. Whether good or bad, your child will adjust to whatever decision you make.
I suggest talking to your oldest child to find out if she’s upset because she thinks you are choosing your spouse over her as can sometimes happen with blended families. And keep in mind that at her age, she has other things on her plate that will consume more of her time than your life. She may have been looking for a reason to move out and this was just the “last straw”…I don’t believe you will really “lose” her regardless of what your decision is.
I’m sure the others on here can recommend books or other resources. My suggestion is to think about what you want out of your marriage and if there’s any way to get that from this relationship. If there’s not, then you are already set on the right course of action. If you desire to save your marriage because it’s what you want, then you should seek counseling, and marriage counseling do not quit fighting for it until your marriage is what you want it to be (within reason).
Keep in mind that you can not control his decision, his life or his actions. No matter what you decide, it takes two people to make the marriage work.
My ex promised me things would be different every time we split up…and they usually were for a while. After some time, I’d realize we were back to where we started. Looking back now, I realize that things would never be any other way with him because that was the people we were together. I’m a different person now, so is he…but I could never be this person with him. When he asked me how he could make things up to me, I told him that the only way to prove to me that he had changed was to be a better person for the next woman he was with.